Dear Arlene,
I have been dating the same woman for 8 years and I want to ask her to marry me but we have a problem. When we first got together neither one of us wanted children but as I've gotten older I've changed my mind. I want a child now and she still doesn't. We've talked about it alot and she says that she never sees herself changing her mind about this but I'm not so sure. I changed my mind so maybe she could too.
So what do you think? Is there a chance that she will change or should I marry her even if she won't? I really do love her and I can't imagine my life without her.
Thanks,
Wannabe Dad
Dear Wannabe,
I understand the drive to procreate since I got a double helping and did a bunch of it. However, not everyone has it and it isn't something that is going to magically turn on eventually and *poof* your girlfriend will suddenly want a baby. Not even if that's what happened to you. She could go through life blissfully happy in her choice not to have children.
Since there is no real way to know whether or not she will ever change her mind-- and my crystal ball is in the shop -- you need to make your decision based on the assumption that no means no and she is never, ever, in a million years going to want to have children. So, once you have that fixed in your mind, where do you go from there?
First of all, you are going to weigh in the balance exactly how strong that urge to have a child is and balance it against the worth of the relationship. Do not choose poorly, however, or you could end up in an unholy mess. This is the kind of issue that makes relationships less than happy ones. If you cannot let go of the desire to have a child, and I mean really let go of it not just push it down, then you should not marry this woman.
I'm sure that she is a wonderful woman, but if you can't be the one to let it go, eventually that need that you pushed down it going to bubble up and create a sticky mess all over your relationship. You will be unhappy, she will be unhappy, the neighbors will gossip about you... Okay, not that last, but this is one of those core things that when it doesn't mesh makes people miserable.
Secondly, the last thing on earth that you want to do is try to talk her into having a child she doesn't want. She might even give in because she loves you and doesn't want to lose you but that would be worse than if you couldn't let go. Because then you end up with a parent who didn't really want to be one, and no matter how much she does love the child, that resentment will always be there in the back of her head. If you love her you don't want to do that to her. You also do not want to subject a kid that didn't do anything to deserve it to a parent that doesn't have their whole heart in the job.
So your choices are to figure out if you can live your life without children and if the answer is 100%, no reservations, yes, then marry her. If the answer is no or even maybe, then you need to walk away. Or at least not propose. I don't give that advice lightly. I've seen far too many people go into a marriage where they didn't agree on something fundamental only to have that marriage implode later. Usually spectacularly.
Whatever you decide to do, be true to yourself in it. Both you and your girlfriend deserve happiness in your lives and a partner that is in line with your needs and vision of the future.
Sincerely,
Arlene
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Comments
I have known several couples that were certain they would not have children when they made the lifelong commitment choice. Later, they did change their minds (or had the decision thrust upon them) and had a happy result.
Still, I suspect that generally differences of opinions on to reproduce or not, or ambivalence, at the the time of marriage is a set-up for disaster.
The questioner closes with "I really do love her and I can't imagine my life without her." That's hard. Anyone who has been in love knows this is what it feels like. And yet, rationally, we know that we can live life in all sorts of ways. The questioner may buy into the notion of "the one" or not. In any case he needs to realize that there is in all likelihood many other women out there with whom he will have the capacity to fall in love and live out his final days with and have children.
Sometimes we genuinely fall in love with a person we can't make a life long commitment to. And we must go on.
It is much better for it to happen before the marriage and get it sorted out then. Definitely.
Skeptic, it's funny I was just trying to explain to someone why my ex husband and I were still friends. We genuinely cared for each other but we were just not meant to be. He actually wasn't meant to be married, period, and he never has again. The failure of the marriage didn't mean the end of our affection. That's a hard concept for some to grasp. People are endlessly baffled as to why my ex is around for holiday meals and hangs out over here with us. Because for them divorce has to be some big angry thing where there is a bad guy. Not necessarily the case.
I'm curious: Why didn't you think you wanted children as a younger man? And why do you think that changed? Why exactly do you want one now? What's at the root of this change in desire? What do you expect to gain out of procreating and parenting? What do you expect to lose? What are you prepared to sacrifice to become a parent? What aren't you? Would you be willing to move your girlfriend into the "willing to sacrifice in order to be a parent" category?
I've never done it. Had a kid, parented, that is. I boggle at those who do. I'm not ready, willing, or capable of making the commitments and sacrifices that (my idea of) decent parenting require. I never will be. I'm glad I know that about myself; I've seen too many people in my own life who leapt before they looked, and the outcome ain't all kittens and rainbows.
Also, have you explored all the alternative scenarios in your own mind? Beyond the squirming 7-lb. bundle of joy, or the games of catch in the sunset late on a Summer's eve.
What if you ended the relationship, had a child with somebody else, and the child was born less than perfectly healthy?
What if your hypothetical child weren't an "easy" child to raise, but a behavioral handful requiring constant attention and discipline and guidance and your full mental and emotional presence, at all times?
What if your current partner gave into pressure, had a baby to please you, and despite her best efforts, never really got into the whole "Mom" thing?
What if you had to raise a child on your own, for any of a number of reasons?
what if you found some other way to parent/coach/nurture kids who may already have parents, but still (desperately) need some more adults in their lives? Like Alfredo and Toto in "Cinema Paradiso?" They had the closest thing one could have to a father/son relationship without actually being related.
I know that isn't quite the same, but there is a huge need.
Honestly, there is a reason that all first-time parents are amateurs; the survival of the species depends upon it. ;~)