Dear Arlene,

Last night, my son told me that his best friend had gotten arrested yesterday, for shoplifting when my son was with him. My son is under 18, however his friend just turned 18 in June. My son says he had not shoplifted yesterday, however he admitted to me that he had stolen some items last month when he was in the company of this same friend (and the friend had shoplifted then too). He said he didn’t know if he would have stolen something if his friend had not been caught. Both of them could easily afford to purchase the items.

My son told me that after the drama of being taken into the office by the security guards, being talked to by the loss-prevention people and seeing his friend taken away in a police car, he came home, retrieved the items he stole last month, and took them back to the store. He said he handed the items (a shirt and some flip-flop type shoes) to a cashier, told the cashier that he had stolen them last month, and left the store.

My son seemed remorseful as well as frightened. He said he told me about it because he wanted me to hear it from him, and not from his friend’s parents or anyone else. He said he never wanted to feel that scared, stressed and embarrassed again.

I think I am not reacting appropriately. I am upset with him for his behavior; however I am at a loss to come up with a consequence that is neither over nor under-reacting. My first response was to tell him that I appreciated that he told me, and I acknowledged that it must have been very difficult to do. I told him I would be watching him carefully for the foreseeable future and that he was prohibited from buying anything without my permission, and that he could expect that I would be asking him about his whereabouts, what he is doing, who he is with, etc. etc. for quite a while in the future. I told him he will have to work to rebuild my trust and that I was deeply disappointed in his lack of judgment.

Should I take away his car, or assign him some onerous chore (clean the garage), make him give up his iPod? His friend is leaving for college in about a week (out of state) so I don’t think banning them from associating with each other is necessary or useful. I don’t see the point in blaming his friend for being a bad influence; instead I want my son to take responsibility for his actions and face the consequences. Has he already done that? What should I do now?

Signed,

Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom-

You know how Bill Cosby used to say that all children are brain damaged? Well this is the kind of situation he might have had in mind for older teens when he said it. Kids do stupid stuff. Sometimes stupid stuff that if they get caught at it will result in major repercussions.

What strikes me about your situation is that your son, of his own volition, told you what happened. He didn't have to do that and I imagine it took a bit more than a tiny bit of courage to do so. He then went one further and told you about a time that he did shoplift. I know for a fact that as a teen I wouldn't have done either of those things. Because I did something very similar to what your son did and my parents still don't know about it. Of course, if they read this the cat may be out of the bag, but I'm going to tell you my story anyway because it has some bearing on your situation with your son.

When I was around 16 years old I went to our local Fred Meyer's store and shoplifted several small items. To this day I'm not quite sure why. I wasn't a happy teen and that could have been part of it but I could easily have paid for the items and I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was incredibly nervous about the whole thing. I zig zagged through the store convinced that I was going to get caught. When I made it out of the store I was overtaken by a crisis of conscience and went back into the store to put the stuff back. Ironically, that was when they caught me. I had, in fact, been spotted but the guy had lost me in the store and didn't spot me again until I was coming back in to make it right.

They took me to the office and the most mortifying part of it was that the company that handled theft prevention was owned by the same guy that employed my mother in another job setting. The man who caught me didn't know who I was but the man sitting behind the desk recognized me. I babysat for his boss. He'd met me. Instead of calling the police he called his boss.

The boss, Clyde, came down to the store and talked to me. He told me much the same thing that I am telling you. Which is that kids do some stupid things and that he had, in fact, done some really stupid things when he was young. The important thing was that they learned from them. He didn't tell my parents. I wasn't allowed in the store for a year and had to work to pay off the items I had taken and removed from their packaging but I got off very lightly all things considered. He asked me a year later if I had ever been tempted to steal again and I was able to tell him absolutely not with complete honesty.

In my case, and it sounds like in your son's case, that was all it took. There was no real need of serious consequences because the point of consequences is to train kids what is and is not acceptable. In that moment when I was being escorted to the office by the security guy and visions of jail danced through my head I realized exactly how stupid what I had done was. I always knew it was wrong but it took that near miss at a police record for me to really understand what the consequences could be and how not worth it the whole thing was. Fear has a way of clarifying that kind of thing in your head.

That's what I think happened for your son. He had an epiphany. The consequence of losing your trust and you riding herd on him with vigilance is probably enough. Chores, grounding, taking away stuff...they won't really teach him anything more than he has already figured out. I think that this was your son's one really stupid thing and that he showed more courage in facing up to the situation than most kids his age would. Do watch him closely because I could be wrong and this could be the tip of something more serious but I don't think so. It sounds to me that your son learned exactly what he needed to learn.

Best,

Arlene

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Dear Arlene,

I’m supposed to go on vacation with my mother in early September. Along with the fact that I’m I have a health condition that makes me feel like crap some of the time, my mother is a drunk. Her main impetus for taking this trip, besides having a weekend with her daughter, is to go to a Glenfiddich Scotch tasting. It starts at two in the afternoon on a Friday, which means she’ll be shitty by happy hour.

She bought weekend passes for us both, which could be great fun if she could maintain but I see myself playing babysitter more than participant. Friday night is a banquet followed by a dance/party all packed with music I enjoy, and I’d love to enjoy it without worrying about the state of my mother’s drunkenness and what person she’ll turn into when she inevitably crosses “the line”. Will she be angry at the world anarchist? Sobbing uncontrollably widow? Slut ready to hop into bed with anyone, typically someone my age or younger? I’ll never be able to relax and just enjoy the atmosphere.

The weekend is packed with activities, concerts, more banquets, a lot of fun. But I see her waking up Saturday a.m. hung-over and either bailing on stuff or drinking from the get-go to compensate. My husband has volunteered to go in my place if I’d like but the guilt generated from doing something like that overwhelms me. I know I can tell her I’m ill which is the truth though I am able to take the trip (at least right now I am) and she’d understand but she would also be disappointed. I realize I sound like a whiny wimp but the two of us have “issues” and I am loathe to exacerbate them.

Signed,

Undecided Daughter

Dear Undecided,

I assume there is no chance that you can steer her away from the Scotch tasting? In your place I would likely be facing the same dillema. To go or not to go, that is the question.

This sounds like something that you would really, really enjoy if it were not for your mommy issues. So you have to decide, do you go and put up with her or not go and disappoint her? If you go what you need to do is not babysit her. Let her run amok. She's a grown woman and so are you. Her drinking is not your responsibility nor is what version of Mrs. Hyde it turns her into. Easier said than done, I know, but if you are to have any chance at all at having a good time that is what is going to have to happen.

If she gets angry walk away and find somewhere else to be. If she gets maudlin hand her a tissue and find somewhere else to be. If she gets slutty, just walk away. None of those things are your responsibility to mitigate or help her through. If she has always been a drunk, and I suspect she has, you probably have a lifelong pattern of taking care of mom on a bender. Maybe this trip can be your first stab at breaking that pattern.

If there is no way that you can possibly enjoy yourself or try to detach from her drinking and the resulting shenanigans and you decide not to go, there is absolutely no reason for guilt. I know you will feel it anyway but you wouldn't be bailing on the trip because of some failing on your part, you would be bailing because your mother is a big problem. That's on her, not you. Try to remember that. Just because she likely wouldn't understand that doesn't mean that you have to feel guilty over it.

This is one of those situations where there isn't really a cut and dried answer for what you should do. I wish I had one. Whatever you decide try to make it the choice that makes you the happiest. Don't worry about what it will make her feel because if it weren't for her you wouldn't have to make such a decision.

Sincerely,

Arlene

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Dear Arlene,

Do you have any suggestions for teaching a somewhat physically fearful 6 year old child to ride a bicycle? She's starting to get it, and has pedaled for about 10 feet while balancing, but she whines and cries when she falls over, and says, "I hate bike riding! I don't ever want to do it!" I get frustrated and annoyed with the whining and end up wanting to throw my hands in the air and say, "Fine! I don't care!"

Signed,

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Nope. No suggestions. She will either finally get over the fear and learn how or she won't. My advice is to just let it go. Learning to ride a bike is not a developmental milestone. If she never learns how it doesn't matter at all. She actually sounds smarter than your average bear to me. Most children that age have no concept of their mortality and even when they do something that ends up causing them pain they seem to need to experience it several times before they finally get it.

Your daughter has figured out that falling down hurts. She doesn't like doing it and she knows that riding a bike carries a good chance that she will fall down. Nothing illogical about that. I'd have much less in the way of scars from childhood if I had been as logical as she is. So just don't push it. Or worry about it. Encourage her but let go of the idea that this is something that she needs to do and let her do it in her own time. Buy earplugs for the whining. Okay, no earplugs, but I do think if you stop expecting her to do it without complaining about the spills the frustration and annoyance with the whining will go down.

Best of Luck,

Arlene

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Questions can be sent by using the messaging system at the top left of the page or by emailing me at arlene.l.green@gmail.com. Answers will be posted every Tuesday and Friday that I have questions to answer.