As I said in my earlier blog, I haven't had much time to indulge in writing. I told you I had medical and financial diffculties. That's nice and vague. I didn't have time to explain.

 The medical difficulties are fixed. My immune system after a couple of rounds of chemo is not the most robust. I got an infection. I got cured of the infection. 

 The financial stuff? No end in sight.

 First my son got laid off. So did his girlfriend.  Who has two kids. They are living together. So I move them in with me. That's what I do. I have a paid for house. No one I know is going to go begging for a roof if I can help it.  Not even her 16 year old brother who also lives with her.

 Shortly after that my husband also got laid off. So here we are. There are now  10 people living in my home and I am the only person with a job. Sort of. I'm a contractor. And my income has dropped to alarming levels. No one wants to hire expensive old me right now. 

 We won't starve. I've got a couple of greenhouses because I always knew they would come in handy. The house is paid for. Even if we can't make the electric bill, which is a touch and go thing, we have heat via the wood stove.  Although I need electricity to make money just like I need the internet connection. I got rid of cable TV but the cable internet is a necessity.

 We'll survive. 

 But I don't like it. I hate, hate, hate having to think about what I can buy so that I'm sure I can meet the heating and light bill. I hate measuring every grocery dollar I spend against how many people it will feed and for how long. I hate being worried that one of my kids or my animals will get sick and it will break us treating them. 

 I hate it. 

And I haven't had to deal with that kind of insecurity since I was young and broke and had no resources. I shouldn't have to deal with it now. But I do.  

 The economy is screwed. In spite of all my careful planning so am I. Mostly. I won't starve, I won't freeze, I won't be made homeless. But I and all those I care for are going to suffer. 

I always wanted to be a matriarch.  The one everyone looks to in times of trouble.  This is not a good time to realize you are.  Not at all.