Hello, I'm Dr. Arnie Tudor MD, and lately I've been receiving some very powerful psychic signals up here in Alaska, signals that speak of a need for independent advice on Open Salon on matters relating to both the material and spiritual world.
As an MD, I am imminently qualifed to discuss such matters, since unlike the Pope, I have been blessed by both God and the AMA with infallibility.
For those who may be unfamiliar with my specialty, cranio-proctology, it is far more common in Washington DC and on Wall Street. Over the last eight years, there has been a virtual epidemic of cranio-posterior intrusion. In fact, I have spent a great deal of time with one patient in particular. Sorry, but professional ethics prevent naming him.
If you have any questions about cranio-posterior intrusion, or any of my many other areas of expertise, I'll be delighted to respond. However, I reserve the right to ignore harsh criticism, and comments from my competitors will be summarily deleted with prejudice.
Meantime, my wish is that each of you live long and prosper.
Arnie
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Addendum: As of 5:50 pm 1/26, there were 172 comments on this post. That has to be a record for a first post by a new poster. Yet, this has never been acknowledged by the editors, which certainly tends to confirm the suspicion that labeling your post something inane and titillating like "Where are all the missing sperm?" or "Porn Star laments "We're Goin' Down" will get even the most vacuous and erroneous poster a front cover acknowledgement.
Either that or something far more nefarious is at play here.
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Addendum: As of 12:00 midnight, this post was rated 41 times and had approx 220 comments. As of that glorious moment, we achieved lift-off and were granted a position on the front cover embarassingly close to that other MD so similarly named. That's one small step for man, and one giant leap for MDkind.
In honor of this occasion, I shall grant myself an OScar.
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Juliet Waters
Mrs. Michaels
dharmabummer
voicegal
cartouche
Kerry Lauerman
Salon.com
Comments
I don't think I need any cranio-proctological work though.
I look forward to your brilliant views and heinous prejudices.
As for your cranium, look in a mirror, if it's still in its usual place, you probably have nothing to worry about.
WOOF
(rated)
In the meantime, I suggest you type very carefully.
You must give my eulogy for freeeee?
Sobbing, shaking, bored, wild-o-eyes,
ramrod-straight, right-on, stone-hush,
is it tears of glee, or sad streams, i weep?
Maybe it's emotional? Amused/horrors?
?
I think you'll find that if you refrain from visiting certain posters on OS and maintain a healthy skepticism, it will work wonders in alleviating your condition.
Maybe some bloke will send chocolate?
A Walt Whitman sampler box of candy?
I hear Ya can purchase pink paper rolls.
No soil a panties while seekings:`Relief.
On Capital Hill place pink-toilets-tissue?
Mr. Fuchs mispronounce:`A tudor? Pew.
Tudor mean to sit in a bowl of spaghetti?
Could you please post your VERY IMPORTANT, VERY PRESTIGIOUS credentials in your profile? No need to be modest on OS.
Should you or your agents wish to view my curriculum vitae, you will have to do so in person. There are being kept in a safe-deposit box at the county courthouse in Wasilla, Alaska.
If you like, I can arrange transportation for you by dogsled.
Please let me know if you're successful, I may want to consider this operation myself since I'm planning a trip to the Mideast.
I have lost my mind. Can you replace it or grant me a new one????
I am seriously laughing here. I keep reading these weird posts that cause extensive laughter and snorting of coffee thru my nostrils.
Can you do a virtual exam and see any hope???
You are the king of scatology!
Ramble on!
You may be able to rectumfy this in the privacy of your own home with a flashlight, a mirror, and some very long tweezers. Or if you have someone you trust intimately, you would be well-advised to have them assist you in the search. Have plenty of clean towels and hot water on hand for after the extraction.
and so if I need another:`Delete? No Worry, No!
My wish, Yippee. Be going to a tattoo artist? Yes!
Ask for red tear drops streaking down the cheeks!
What's wrong with requesting:`Ugly Toe Contest?
I wish:`Be living long & NO BE FULL OF HUBRIS.
Who is right - the Israelis or the Palestinians? I am certain that you studied this in your cranio-procto residency. I humbly hope you'll answer this but since I am just a low life OS blogger I really don't deserve a response from someone as smart as you. Just hoping and praying.
Peace and long life. Your service honors us.
and/or share, to reciprocate ... a gentle.
sacral-cerebral, a healing-sacral massage?
Yup, my skull hurts. O, but it's supper time.
DAMMIT!
However, I studied for years under Salvador Dali, the Dalai Lama and Dolly Parton. Their wisdom teachings suggest that when faced with absurdity, it is always wise to skip the environs and rely on the comfort of rich friends in other places.
Therefore, if I may be deadly serious for a moment, I recommend the only solution to the Mideast crisis is to issue a warning to everyone to leave immediately and don’t look back – just as God commanded in days of yore.
Then I would bomb the area into a radioactive wasteland unfit for human habitation. Only then will religious fanatics be forced to give up their fantasies about a place they claim as the holy of holies, but a place where God wouldn’t set foot even to save his only begotten son.
In short, I think you are a sham, a hollow shadow of a true cranio-proctologist, one of which we have on OS already. Actually that physician works primarily in the sub specialty of podiatry , specializing in determining the genesis of foot in mouth disease. Based on self clinical testing no determination has been made, however.
So, my question is, how did you manage to get through the stiff vetting process designed to keep riff raff out of the OS community?
Oh, yeah, and how DO I get over foot in mouth disease, and is the rash ever going to go away?
Monte (a brain surgeon/rocket scientist posing as a theologist)
My last frontal lobotomy didn't take. Should I consider another procedure or should I just stick with my homemade electroshock treatment? My jumper cables keep over heating.
So, doctor. I've just returned from yoga class where one of my students' Downdog rear-ended another student's Updog, resulting in a very, um, BADDOG. Have you the remedy?
Mr Canfield - Trust me. baby, trust me. If Sarah Palin can get past the vetting to be nominated as VP, it's do problem for me to get the books "doctored" up here. By the way, the reason the library is empty is the Governator had all the books removed - said if she didn't have time to waste reading neither should anyone else
And you didn't catch that rash from your mouth
Mr Rodgers - If the jumper cables aren't getting the job done, I suggest putting your head in the microwave. Warning: Be sure to remove your earrings and the carousel first.
Ms (I presume) Dharmabummer - Carefull remove the bark from all three dogs, blend with a mixture of 24 year-old single malt scotch, half a turnip, and three sea monkeys, and simmer to a thick paste,
apply mixture sparingly to the posterior of all three dogs and standby while the customary sniffing begins, this should be more than sufficient to insure disengagement
However, the whole nunchuk up the back end does remind me of a true story from when my husband was doing his medical training. He was working in an ER and a male patient came in with a can of deodorant firmly lodged in his rectum. This was back in the 80s and I believe there was a particular brand that had a rounded lid.
When asked WHY he had put a can of deodorant up his back end, he replied that it was because it smelled up there...
So, for the love of all that is holy, do not allow that nunchuk problem left untreated. There are caring medical professionals out there that want to use you for their comedic purposes.
Oh thank you, doctor!
And you can jes call meh Dhaaaarma. ;)
And I hope you won't think me forward if I say you have the loveliest eyes.
So far the hat has kept me save from the aliens from Uranus.
The good (new) doc wrongly diagnosed it. You are the CURE, not the disease. Love you and new doc, too.
...so if umbrella brings the tenaculum and the doc brings the single malt.....
yogis are flexible, after all
It's your thing, do whatcha wanna do
I can't tell ya who to sock it to
They seem to have formed quite the mutual admiration society. Frankly, he seems to be doing a lot of posterior kissing....(or may it's Cranium frakkin'?) Is there some kind of Alaskan Dr. board I can appeal to?
To pee or not to pee, that is the question
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind
To suffer the stains and sorrows of outrageous restroom
Or to take a leak against a tree outside one
And by thus disposing let run
I recommend you check the malpractice records in our state, and by the process of elimination, you may be able to deduce who this posterior-frakker is. I'll wager this isn't his first venture into the twilight zone with she who refuses to admit error.
If you are indeed eating a sandwich while trying to remain sexually active, the is cause for concern, and could prove fatal if you should become distracted and choke while in a state of extreme excitement. I can't urge you strongly enough to refrain from eating in bed while having sex; it is extremely dangerous -- particularly if her spouse should happen home.
My company plans to go public shortly and my investment banker John Thain at Merrill Lynch informs me this is a sure thing. This is your chance to get in on the ground floor. Should I put you down for a thousand shares at the opening price of $100?
I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning after a good night's rest. If you want to continue this discussion then, please feel free to do so. But right now, I'm afraid I must sign off for the evening.
Sleep well.
I have this rash on my anus. I'm wondering if it is a result of my support for Gazan independence, or if it perhaps I should be using something less harsh than Fels Naptha in the shower? Do you need pictures to diagnose?
At the risk of being a bit risque (a serious breach of medical ethics), that sounds like the perfect segue to this morning's first patient, a late-night visitor troubled by "things that go bump in the night".
In other words, don't do anything rash.
As for Gaza, I will need pictures if you have them, since so few are appearing on American television for some reason.
We need a doc with a sense of humor.
There is no known cure for excessive hair growth around the anus, or in the ears, but regular use of bikini wax can remove the most unsightly expressions.
It seems obvious to me that the reason for the success of she who refuses to admit error is that she never makes mistakes, and is, therefore, awarded priority placement because the editors can rest assured, she will never embarass them.
Or it may be her poltical views that endear her to the editors.
Or it may be as I suggested on your post that the fact that she comes up on a Google query of "Open Salon" leads one to the conclusion that she is paying for placement as they say in the Search Engine Optimization business. Could it be the editors of this noble experiment could stoop so low? I wonder.
Frankly, my initial involvement here was in the hope of garnering a "front cover" or "most read" designation that might possibly land right next to the good doctor. But, alas, it appears my wishes were in vain, for I am yet again relegated to the shit pile.
But that is ever the lot of a cranio-proctologist.
Perhaps we can perfect this recipe by foodie Tuesday?
Hey ... I've got this rash ...
Meanwhile, to hell with Shell, and the nexus is Lexus.
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you."
Normally, I am reluctant to provide advice on such personal matters, but I suggest you contact Paris Pace, who in these pages has often expressed a deep and abiding affection for your species. I'm sure you will find the relationship mutually beneficial.
As for snarking, again I am no expert, as is plain to see from this post, but it would seem logical, and therefore most appealing to you, that he -- and most certainly she -- who snarks last snarks best.
It is my observation, however, that snarking -- like the Palestinian crisis -- tends to have a certain endless and fruitless aspect to it.
While your infatuation is understandable, given my erudition, education and considerable physical attributes, I must warn you to be careful about your inquiries.
It may well be that I am a CIA operative looking to get to the "bottom" of things. Or I could be in the witness protection program -- particulary since I am an expert as to proctologically enhanced torture methods, and my testimony may be required in any forthcoming war criminal trials.
Need I say more?
It will probably come as no surprise that Big Pharma is at this very moment testing a pill that is a concentrated form of resveratrol that promises to change lives and outsell even ritalin, viagra and valium. (All kidding aside, this is true.)
While waiting for its approval, you can achieve the same effect by drinking a hundred bottles of wine a day. As a physician and winebibber myself, I can promise you that even if that doesn't cure what ails you, you won't care.
"Barkis is willin'"
I'm sure you can appreciate the humor in that, given your species.
As for good writing and reader appeal, I think this post speaks eloquently for itself on both counts -- so why isn't it on the front cover instead of all that missing sperm? Frankly, I think sperm on the front cover is VERY unattractive.
Umm, if you're with the CIA and don't play for Mr. Wilde's team, can I be one of those super-sexy operatives you meet in an exotic foreign locale?
If it be the witty and brilliant Oscar Wilde, I am flattered, but quick to add, that I do not share his sexual procilivities - though I bear no ill will against those that do - and let them marry who they will; everyone should share in that joy -- and that pain.
If it be the actor Cornell Wilde, I am again flattered, his visage having throbbed a million hearts. And in case you are too young to remember, feast your eyes upon this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cornel_Wilde
If I told you, I would have to kill you. After our tryst in an exotic locale, of course. Using super-secret spyware. And wearing super-secret spywear.
Mr. C Wilde is handsome indeed, but I was referring to Mr. O Wilde.
“A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her."
I wondered if you could suggest a soapy enema for the folks here who suffer from severe constipation from laughing so hard and reading these comments.
How about a cup of Tide laundry soap and a gallon of water???
Where do I put it next?
Warning: Do not stray far from a depository while pursuing this treatment.
This is so funny I think I am losing my mind again. I think this is addicting.
Can you read palms???
Few others did, or else they did not have your courage, and failed to comment on what is a straight-forward solution to Dr Amy's long-winded and pointless inquiry. I sense a certain rigidity in her that may be due to a lack of rigidity in him.
As for your latest inquiries, herpes can definitely lead to some serious itching, but as I'm certain your genteel parents taught you, a lady does not scratch herself in public. I also recommend being very careful about scratching your privates, as well.
As for a hysterectomy being of feminine gender, it seems only logical to expect a gender specific procedure to be so described. Men have their troubles, too - women are seldom accused of being MALEfactors.
You are a god! Keeping up so long and hard with your responses - I've never seen anything like it.
Thank you for tapping me, and one day I hope to return the favor. And it's good to know that it can be re-inserted.
I am dedicated to my profession, and I pride myself on working long and hard to insure each patient is fully satisfied.
A previous commenter claims to have already befriended me, though there seems to be a small confusion as to the matter. I trust I'm not betraying a confidence by repeating a portion of our exchange, since your are unlikely to find it amidst all this verbiage.
"Ms Smithie - You overstep your bounds! What do you mean you rear-ended me instead of regular! As for that, our engagement is off! (I still expect to visit you secretly, however - my place or yours?)"
On second reading; it does appear I'm free. I'm yours if you will have me; I await your decision.
Meantime, the rest of us should be thinking of what medical specialties we could adopt. You have the best one, of course, but there might be room for some others - specialists in foot-in-mouth disease, OS-addiction counselling, repub deprogramming...
And speaking of heads, a shame that so many lovelies lost their's because of Henry's obsession with hair. More's the pity. But I suppose that was to be expected in the day before bald was beautiful.
Does anyone else feel as though were channeling characters in a Henry Fielding novel? I certainly do, but I can’t decide whether I’m channeling Tom Jones or Squire Alworthy or both.
My advice, as always, is without charge - I don't wish to afflict the afflicted.
Does this ass make my hat look big?
Every time I look at my OScar on the mantle, I'll remember you with deep, deep feelings. I think I'm going to cry.
As for the rest, there has been a running battle here on OS because a certain MD appears with distressing frequency on the front cover, an MD who is painfully opinionated and painfully unaware how clumsy she can be with commenters, including deleting some for no apparent reason.
Many simply refuse to even click on her posts for that reason, but she somehow still makes the front cover with EVERY post, which is statistically improbable and highly suspect.
My purpose here was to prick her bubble - so to speak, and in the process we've have some good clean fun -- and a little fun that was not so clean, though I don't believe it ever crossed the bounds between suggestive and slimy - at least not for consenting adults.
As for your OCD, I suggest you exercise it by reading both the post and the commentary. I would refrain from ingesting liquids while doing so.
I should also have warned you to divert the eyes of small children from some of the racier comments by some of the randier ladies. I attribute their behavior to hot flashes.
We like you, we really like you!
Rated.
I've been lurking. That's not my problem tho. My problem is my chronic tardiness. Especially to fun posts like this. Can you help me?
I attempt to avoid politics at all costs -- not good for business, you know. But since my practice consists largely of politicians and investment bankers these days, I am familiar with the others you mention, Limbaugh, Coulter, Hannity and Bill Kristol, I say never has such a Ship of Fools plied their pirate trade.
I attempt to avoid politics at all costs -- not good for business, you know. But since my practice consists largely of politicians and investment bankers these days, I am familiar with the others you mention, Limbaugh, Coulter, Hannity and Bill Kristol, I say never has such a Ship of Fools plied their pirate trade.
I attempt to avoid politics at all costs -- not good for business, you know. But since my practice consists largely of politicians and investment bankers these days, I am familiar with the others you mention, Limbaugh, Coulter, Hannity and Bill Kristol, I say never has such a Ship of Fools plied their pirate trade.
Welcome, I will now comment and not rate this as I do with the other "All-knowing One". What , no mention of a 2500 journey of persecution to arrive here? I'm a little disappointed.
Please visit my new post Inside Cranio-Proctology:
http://open.salon.com/content.php?cid=93580