My mother had a liver transplant two weeks ago today. Because her health was deteriorating for some time she has had several complications after the surgery. She is still in the Transplant ICU and on a ventilator. One day she is improving and the next she is not and something else is going wrong. My family and I are in a sort of limbo not knowing if she will recover or not or how long a recovery will take.  

With this going on, I have a lamp in my living room that I can’t turn off. I guess a better way to say it is that I have a lamp in my living that I cannot bring myself to turn off. I haven’t turned it off since the transplant surgery. Somehow having it on brings me comfort. I can’t seem to face the darkness and the emptiness the darkness brings with it. Maybe the light is fighting off the emptiness I will feel if my mother dies. Maybe the constant glow represents the hope I have that she will make it through this. Maybe turning it off reminds me that her life, like anyone’s, can end in the split second between the click of the switch and the abrupt end of the light.   

My father used to work night turn on Saturday night and he bowled in a few late-night bowling leagues also. As a result he was not home several nights a week when we all went to bed. My mother would leave a lamp on in the living room. My father would turn it off when he came home and then complain about the electric bill the next day. But somehow having that lamp on brought my mother comfort. The light protected her family from unknown dangers of the night.