It was a slow shift I never saw coming, the loss of daughterness. I have shape-shifted into a caregiver and my path back to daughterdom has grown over with weeds. I need to be the daughter, the doting daughter who visits and sits to chat for awhile over a cup of coffee or tea.
I know when this started, I willed it into reality. My crazy, self indulgent ways when faced with an obstacle and perceive a need to alter my world, I form a plan, I execute. Simple as that. I felt that need back in 2008 to fix, in one fell swoop, a couple of bothersome issues. My personal economy, my aging and widowed mother, and just a need for complete change. Control my world instead of my world controlling me. A light bulb moment! Move to Kansas! Yeah! Some family here, a decent economy, good schools for my son (not that the current school wasn't more than adequate, but it helped me rationalize my decision, if you know what I mean...)
7 months later we arrive. My mom now living with me. Yes me, the "independent one", the one who had been on her own since 17, a single mother for over a decade. Now back under my mother's watchful eye. Not cool. How did she think I survived without her?
And now, 3 years later, I find myself as the primary caregiver. This is a role I had not anticipated, should have, but often my plans involve jumping in with both feet and figuring it out along the way. And times they are a changing. I'm restless in this role. I need, albeit crave, change. Growth and evolution.
The boy is off to college in 45 days leaving me holed up here in a gargantuan house with my mommy. I didn't see this coming, I didn't picture her dying either, no I just didn't picture anything.
I began searching for options months ago. Dozens of ideas have bounced through my brain, contacts have been made but with no avail. Still I thought there must be programs, people out there that can help me navigate unfamiliar waters. Finally yesterday I believe I connected with the right person. Her name is Annice, and she is a geriatric care specialist. I loved her phone personality. She absolutely zoomed in on the dynamic with a few pointed questions. And when she told me I needed to resume my role as doting daughter and that until I relinquished my role as care giver, I could not. I don't think she knew I was crying...
We have an appointment here in the home a week from Friday. I have hope, I have Annice.
And now for some pretty pictures from my garden :) Just because.
And surburban backyard deer
And the wedding of a cool chick I just met
The man I love