So many thoughts run though my mind, some in sentence fragments and others that defy words. What do we do with those thoughts we can't organize into words? There is a randomness that defies.
My mom passed less than a month ago, I thought I had time. Time to figure it out, time to take care of her, time to burn, time to spare. But still death ripped her from me. I couldn't protect her when complications from a bump on the head would take her life.
My cousin's wife Marjory, who is dying from cancer, asked me, "you were ready for it right?" The question threw me, and I said no. At 81 and in fragile health, I'm wasn't sure why I wasn't prepared emotionally, but I wasn't. When she asked me that question I hesitated and the only explanation I had was that I was so busy being positive, I never truly saw my life without my mom in it. Oh sure, on occasionally I would allow myself to dwell on it, but after a moment of tears, I would shake it off. No, me in a world without my sweet mom was never truly visualized.
This woman I took for granted, as we all do as daughters, had touched so many lives in so many ways. A dance teacher for 30 years, a 4H leader for perhaps a decade, a never ending source for love and inspiration to all that came in contact with her. She left a legacy of love with her good works. What do you say to women who tell you your mom was like a second mother to them?
A week from today, I'll have an empty nest. A nest that must be sold and the onerous task of liquidating our collective possessions.
There is so much I want to share about her life and her passions and I think as I begin my next chapter in life, the words will come to me.
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ThroughMyEyes
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It is such a hard thing but you can honor her with your words.
I lost mine when I was in my early 20's and I don't think you are ever ready for the loss.
Your momma was so pretty. I love that painting. Did you paint it?
greenheron, I don't want to stop missing her. The painting was from the '50s I think, I do have a newspaper clipping with her holding the picture and I'm sure the artist is named there but my sister has the painting now (I've had it for years) and I'm thinking we'll have to take turns displaying it on our mantels.
i remember the awful scene over my mom's hospital bed.
she was alert and making sense after a week of ''dehydration''
they said.
i gushed, "gosh, she is improving!" to the young doctor.
he shook his head and said, "no. we got her liver tests. it is failing."
liver failure.
in that one instant, i went from hope and relief
to another place, a place i had feared my whole life,
especially these last few yrs when she made miraculous recoveries
from myriad maladies.
i called my sisters and said, precisely, " it seems that mother is nearing the end of her life"/
she died peacefully. i was not at all ready.
Rob, it does help, but it was also a real eye opener as I went through her photos and such in preparation for the 2 services we had, one in Kansas and one in Michigan, I found many incredible mementos including letters my grandpa wrote in 1909.
R
I Began My Mothers Coffin. Grief.
Tears Stains Blended into Wood.
`
Often I am tempted to Share a Photo.
You Help me reconsider sharing Mom.
There's many Beautiful Thought. Sighs.
Thanks. I best not wonder off and cries.
so much . . .
I agree with ladyfarmerjed. Mothers.
My Mother said ` You Better Work!
She said` Get Started on That Coffin.
I Think of My Mom Fondly Every Day.
I saved Wild Cherry Trees for a Desk.
I've been thinking of you -- look forward to reading more about your Mom whenever the words come, she sounds like such a lovely woman.
What a compliment to hear others felt to close to her, but I can see wanting to say, through grief: but she's *my* Mom! (I might've felt that way anyway...)
Art, dear Art, please do share if you wish. We have to hold those memories close to not let them fade away. There's no one like mom.
JT, when I first read your pm back a few (several?) days ago, you mentioned feeling like an orphan and I thought, oh, I'll be ok. It took a bit of time for that to sink in. And yes, orphan, disconnected and ungrounded. Ugh.
As far as sharing her, I guess what it did was make me feel like I missed something along the way, that I had taken her for granted. Which of course I did, and I think its quite normal, but it made me wish I'd appreciated her more.
Who can know what ready means ... when we lose one we so love ...
Thinking of you as this time passes for you ...
Scarlett, it felt so sudden. I've never experienced brain fog like this. It just feels so unfathomable.
It's a different kind of absence. And the rest of the world is obliviously normal, which makes no internal sense at all.
Haven't lost a parent. Lost a kid in January. Different, but I have a better understanding of death than I used to. The Not There isn't gradual and it doesn't exactly make sense. The world was one way and now it's completely different.
Death happens too easily. It should take so much more to get there from here.