(I’ve been needing to get this out for years!)

Dear John,

Stop it.  Just stop it. 

You’re awful.  Do you even realize that?  Your lyrics are laughable.  It sounds like some crap a stoned frat boy would write.  Your body is a wonderland?  Well your face is a freakshow.  I could wash down a bottle of Xanax with a jar of gasoline and still come up with lyrics that would make yours look like Sheryl Crow’s bowel movements. (I’ll get to you yet, Sheryl Crow.)  You are doing a terrible disservice to the world at large by pretending to be “the sensitive guy”.  You’re not.  Just because your lyrics make you sound like a pussy wrapped in a candy-ass covered in bullshit, does not make you sensitive.  A truly sensitive guy would keep his yap shut about his relationships.  You’re just skinny and creepy and you were probably a big dork who couldn’t get a date and now you revel in being all the man-whore you can be.  Well, good for you, you lollipop-headed freak.  I’d like to find the person that dubbed you “singer/songwriter” and punch them in the taint.  And a variety show?  Give me a break, man.  You’re not funny.  People aren’t laughing with you, John.  The only show you would do well in is one where people take turns breaking chairs over your inflated head.  You’d be the big winner then!  So I guess I’m saying what I need to say.  And I say to shut your trap already. 

PS – You look like a street trick too.  And that’s not a complement.

PPS – I’m sorry to all the John Mayer fans…. Sorry you have such awful taste in music.