Straight men have no idea what they're talking about when it comes to women and sex and why we like what we like.  But straight men ESPECIALLY have no idea when it comes to straight women and gay men.  Stephen Marche of Esquire wrote an article about how women like vampires because we want to have sex with gay men.  ?????  REALLY?!  (I'll admit, I didn't even read the article as I forsee that it's full of generalizations and short cuts to thinking.)  But it set me off on this here rant.

This isn't about vampires.  It's about straight men who think that women are only friends with gay men because we want to turn them straight. (HA!  I dare anyone to try it.)  It is infuriating and insulting to women and gay men alike.  For women it sounds like we're delusional and can't see what's in front of us.  For gay men it sounds like they can just up and make a decision to change their sexual orientation.  We all know that a gay man doesn't wake up and is straight anymore than he wakes up and is gay.

I've been best friends with a gay guy for over 10 years, and I'm so sick of straight men who think they're enlightened when they tell me "you're never going to change him."  I should hope not.  We're best friends because of who he is, not who I want him to be. 

We met when I was 17 through a mutual friend.  He'd never been with a girl because he wasn't sure about his sexuality, and I was still a virgin, so our friend thought we'd make the perfect couple.  Which we kind of do.  It obviously did not work out romantically, but we did become friends.  We lost touch for a year or so, and then he called and needed someone to talk to.  I went to his house that night and every night after that for many years.  We've been best friends ever since.  He's hilarious and awesome and very cute.  (But no matter what he tells you, I'm the Mary.) We've lived together several times and still haven't driven each other crazy.  He can make me laugh till I cry.  The only other person who can make me laugh like that is my sister.  We can tell each other things that we wouldn't dare tell anyone else, and we know there'll be no judging.  Teasing, yes.  We can make fun of each other and not get (too) mad.  We're each other's confidants, wedding dates when needed,  shoulders to cry on, and we can watch horrible TV together that no one else will watch with us.  In short, we're what best friends are supposed to be.

But the idea of us sleeping together fills me with icky.  He's the brother I never had.  He's part of my family.  At my sister's engagement party she introduced him as our brother.  My family knows him better than my boyfriend.  I would never want him to be something he couldn't.  Even if it were something really cool, like a fire eater.  Same with him.  Even though he really wanted me to be a lesbian, I'm just not, and he's okay with that.

Now, I'll admit there are some seriously delusional ladies who really do think they can change a gay man.  And there may even be gay men who are letting the women think that way because the attention is nice and they do love those women, just not in that way.  There could be any number of scenarios.  But the majority of women who are friends with gay men are just that - friends.  He's not my accessory; he's not my little pet. He's not some bauble that I flaunt because it's hip.  Friends treat each other with respect and love each other unconditionally, like friends are supposed to, whether they're gay, straight, black, white, spooky, kooky or Chinese. 

My thought is that the men who think this way are the type of men who can't be friends with women because of the sex issue.  If you think you can't be friends with someone because there's a chance of sex, or lack thereof, then I don't want to be your friend. 

As for vampires, I do find them sexy (but in homoerotic way), but I would not want to have sex with one.  Why?  Because vampires are dead.  They are the walking dead.  Just because their skin isn't falling off and they can fight the urge to bite, unlike their zombie brethren, doesn't mean they're not just as dead.  Maybe I'm weird, but necrophilia is not sexy.