I knew this moment would come, She would figure out that things were different…

I hoped to fill her growing mind with new thoughts, new traditions… but I guess it was bound to happen.

She figured out that no one was coming to our house this Christmas.… Read full post »

In the morning, I rise and go downstairs. It’s a new fancy coffee machine, no measuring, no judgment call needed. Just insert the little cup, press a button. 2 minutes later, fresh coffee. I had to learn to put the right amount of cream inside.

I take it upstairs, and set… Read full post »

My first kiss came under the moon.

I kissed before, not like this.

She stares, dreaming.

The moon.

The magic stage was lit.

Universe and needs.

She stares, dreaming.

The moon.

Discovered beauty.

Always meant to be.

She stares, dreaming.

The moon.

Lost myself to that kiss.

Lo… Read full post »

Dear Asking Boy;

Well, things have calmed a bit, although it’s possible that another roller coaster is looming. In this transition time, I thought I would take a moment, and share thoughts I have had over the last few weeks. As they arrived in my head, I wrote… Read full post »

The car in the driveway.

As I held you my soul sang free

I walked, you were beside me.

The light faded into your eyes.

Wine moistened your lips

I fell deeper than ever before

I awoke, you stole my breath

The wine has dried.

I walked, you were beside… Read full post »

There’s a song on my iPod. I listen to it every morning. It’s the first thing that plays as the car backs out each morning.
 
Well, life's like a road that you travel on

I am getting ‘kinda’ sick of it.. yet I keep playing it, morning after morning. I can’t help… Read full post »

I am honored and touched by all who noted I was not around… I will remind you all again, I am no writer, I am just a guy who writes.  I lost my wife… (who hated me, by the way, did I mention that?) and now, I am desperately trying… Read full post »

Look, let me lay it out for you; 

She hated me, okay?  

She called me names, made fun of me, threw me out, told others intimate private details about me, insulted me, kept me from my friends and family, then blamed me for her disease and everythi… Read full post »

In my previous life, I saw only sunsets.  

I watched as the day closed, stories ended, the past clouded my mind. 

Death has a subtle quality that seems to invade your existence - you find yourself consumed with endings, desperate to discover the escaped meaning of life. &nb… Read full post »

For years, every time I stepped foot in my former father-in-law’s house, he always pointed out his plant. It reminded him of a person he lost to cancer. He kept it alive after the funeral. “12 years”, he said.. “No... 14... I think.”  He was very proud of tha/… Read full post »

Slowly - room by room, wall by wall, I take down every picture of you, and hide them far away from little eyes.  

As each room is emptied, each memory hidden, I get closer to her room, the pretty pink and green one. You remember - the one where you picked out… Read full post »

Sleeping in the bedroom again was strange and unfamiliar; we hadn’t slept in the same room for over two years. That night, I slept on ‘her’ side of the bed. I really don’t know why.

At dawn, I woke up and something wasn’t right. I felt.... a presence, and a pinch… Read full post »

My 6 year old daughter asked me in the days before if Mommy was going to die… and each time, I told her that I honestly didn’t know. I told her that Mommy was very sick, and we were doing our best to make her better.

I returned from Hospice… Read full post »

August 26^th, 2009

9:00 am –  

IT HURTS!!.. FIX IT!

Okay,  call the ambulance, we are going to Hospice

When are they coming?

It’s going to get a little bumpy for a minute, okay?

11:00 am –

Let’s get her in this bed.

The doctors will be i… Read full post »

She went to the funeral home alone, and chose the room, the flowers, the music
She selected the vessel, and the inscription we were to remember her by.
She visited the restaurant, and told the owner about the 'party' for her sister.
She wrote a letter to her financial planner, giving him ins… Read full post »

You said the most horrible, hateful things. You called me names, insulted me, my family. You crushed the things in life that I value most.

The final straw... the last thing -  I didn’t realize until months after you were gone.

I began to breathe again... star… Read full post »

For almost 5 years, she had chemotherapy every week.

For almost 5 years, on chemo day, he would swing by a florist.

For almost 5 years, on chemo day, he handed the flowers to her as she was tethered to toxic bottles.

For almost 5 years, on chemo day, she… Read full post »

I remember the day you stopped kissing me, it was just like yesterday. What an incredible, magnificent feeling that was!... I felt so loved, so cared for. I truly didn’t want that day to end.

Do you remember the day you kicked me?... man, that was so special. I… Read full post »

The deck out back needed to be cleaned. The backyard was a mess. The lawn had to be mowed, plants trimmed.  

Weekends where I could work outside became a haven from her anger. I was free to clean and repair and make things look great.  Most of the time, there was… Read full post »

For 5 years, she had weekly chemotherapy. Afterwards, she would get sick and really tired, then after a few days, she would feel better. We were on an endless cycle of get sick, get better, get sick, get better... over and over again... like some sort of oncological Groundhog Day.

If you… Read full post »

The Asking Boy joins OS, and tentatively writes things. He expects no one to read them. 

He learns that someone reads them. 

The Asking Boy begins to tell the story of his past relationship, ruined from cancer. 

He learns that by sharing his story of cancer, the pain leaves, one tale… Read full post »

For months after she was gone, they could be heard saying… 

“How did she die so quickly?“  they whispered…    “It took 5 years”, he answered quietly. 

“She looked fine….she even threw that party…”  … Read full post »

Immediately after, I began changing as much of my life as I could. I found a certain sense of calm in changing things drastically, and even a year later, these changes are still underway. Lately I have been cleaning out the house in preparation to sell and to move away from/… Read full post »

I only remember our relationship and our lives together as an afterthought in your heart.

I became an afterthought that night you had already eaten; the rest was leftovers.

Leftovers. I could pull them out if I wanted to, heat them up… but to tell you the truth, it was… Read full post »