There's not really much to say right now.  I'm lower than low - lower than I've felt in a long time.  Some of it is chemical, I'm sure.  But the truth is that  I am low because I feel kind of empty. 

Overseeing the needs of a special needs child is all encompassing.  It is a full time, frustrating, rewarding, loving, hating seige. It seemingly never ends.  Only for a brief moment -- it has.

Now that my Asbergers son is off to college, I feel very lost.  He is not communicating his needs, experiences, or whether he is living up to his agreements.  There were no thank you's, see you soon, I'll let you know when I need something, comments.  After 19 years of watching his every move, band-aids on every scrape, advocating for his needs and rights at school, in organizations, etc.  Well, I just feel dropped flat.  I feel disappointed - I'm sure not unlike a million empty nester moms.

Did I realize that this was all so much a part of my own identity?  I guess I really didn't.  Caring for and about my son was innate - the tasks I fulfilled on his behalf simply became woven into my daily life and my being. The joy and pain of living with him daily became routine.

Now I find myself doing work I hate, and in an industry that I often detest.  I'm an Aquarius for heavens sakes.  I'm a fighter, an innovator.  I march to the beat of my own drum and want to save the world from all wrong.  My background is working with the elderly, alzheimers and hospice.  At least I was contributing something to society back then. 

I daresay, the addition of another cream, device, or product for narcissistic middle-boomers, doesn't exactly check that altruistic box.  So, I need to find out what to do, to bring joy back into my life -- to bring purpose.  All of my apptitudes say "counselor" or "psychologist".  Like I am really going to go back to school again - at age 52!  Not that my husband would allow it.  Not that I could afford it, or fit it in.  So, I need to find purpose again in my life.  A sense of purpose and passion that was drained from the psychological burden of being the parent of a special needs child.   A HIGH functioning special needs child.  Some people would say that I am lucky that my son is so high functioning.  Yes -- in many ways, I am. 

What they don't realize is with that high function and super-intelligence comes the most skewed logic, reasoning and frustrating verbal gymnastics known to man.  It's like trying to reason with an Alzheimer's patient.  You can't force them to see the world the way you do.  Their reality is THEIR reality.  Those educated in the field know that you just jump into their fantasy and re-direct from there.

Well, that is almost easier.  Because an Asbergers individual DOES have to try come out of their alternate universe long enough to function, communicate and participate.  It is the hazy in-between that is so difficult for friends, family, and co-workers.  Like most sufferers of mental illness, they alienate all of those who care most about them.  They alienate, mis-treat and abuse to the point that they are alone.

 I guess that is the real fear I have for my son.  He can be a real jerk.  He can be volatile, demanding, un-bendng, unappreciative, and on and on and on.  I fear he will be alone.  I fear he won't make it through this process and end up under a bridge somewhere. 

So this journey will continue.  I suppose we are both self-actualizing on different planes.  If I could just get them to intersect on occasion - think I could learn to be content with that.  Meanwhile, it is time for me to go on.  I have opportunities available to me to earn a good living.  None of them however, bring passion to my being.  I think in order to find some iota of happiness, I have to feel passionate about what I am doing.  I guess it is time for me to dust of my credentials, and see if I can bring service to others. Service is always the best salve for sadness.  Take the focus off of yourself and give to others.  At least that is what I have heard.  At least that is the advice I give others!

 I guess we will just have to see where the road takes us...