At 4:30 PM today I got a very strange phone call from my son. Safely deposited at college, settled in his dorm, attending classes -- so I thought. He wanted me to drive over to the University to pick him up. NOW. Didn't matter I hadn't finished up my work-day or the time wasn't convenient for ME -- just insisted I pick him up with no explanation.
I managed to arrange for his father to swing by and get him and bring him home. I was met with a less than satisfying conference. My son announced that he withdrew from college, received an 85% tuition reimbursement, returned books and arranged to move out of his dormitory. He wanted us to give him his savings bonds and anything else of value of his we might have. Sounded almost eerily of the Prodigal Son Story...
He announced that he wanted to cut all ties and to have no further "forced relationship" with us. Apparently we "don't believe in him, his dreams, or capabilities... and that we were trying to force him down the path WE thought he should take...."
Funny, I clearly remember telling our son that we loved him, and no matter WHAT he wanted to pursue whether it be a vocation, college, or trade -- we would be supportive. The most important thing was that he find something he enjoyed doing, become self-supporting and a contributing member of society.
I know his reasoning was bull-shit and patently untrue. Perhaps it was necessary to wound us so deeply in order to facilitate his illogical decision and departure.
The world can be a very dangerous place and $1,400 in savings bonds doesn't buy a lot of security. I feel absolutely impotent. He wants to be on his own and sever all ties, but still wants us to provide him with transportation. You can't have it both ways. In my heart of heart I want to provide him with what he needs to be successful out there, but I can't. If he wants to sever, then he needs to sever. He needs to figure out on his own what value we can be to him as parents and friends. The only way to do that, is for him to be COMPLETELY on his own.
So, here we remain - as we have for the past 19 years. Standing by to love, support and encourage. But, you can't lead a horse to water and you can't make someone see the glass as half full if they want to see it half empty. Instead of looking for the numerous things we have done out of love to facilitate his success -- he only sees his perception of what he DIDN'T get.
Maybe WE fucked it up - I really couldn't say. Professionals all said provide structure, limits and consequences for behavior. There wasn't a guide-book to his condition. We did the best we could with what we had, and what information we could gather.
I have no idea where the road will take us... or him at this point. I just pray that he remains safe and well while on his journey of self-discovery. I hope that deep-down, he knows we love him and will pick him up wherever he falls...
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"Maybe WE fucked it up - I really couldn't say. Professionals all said provide structure, limits and consequences for behavior. There wasn't a guide-book to his condition. We did the best we could with what we had, and what information we could gather."
Maybe you did fuck it up, but probably you didn't. There really wasn't a guide-book, and I have no doubt that you did the best you could. Of course you did. Try not to forget that.
This is where he is at today, this week. I wonder what tomorrow, the weekend will bring. I have to wonder.
All my best to you.
Frankly, I think something upset him about the college scene and that's why he's come home. Tell him that if he leaves, he won't get very far on $1400, so he'll need to get a job soon. If he stays home, he has to pay rent from now on, so he'll have to get a job soon. College might start looking really good to him.
There is no road map for this. I wish your family the best and will be following your Odyssey.
as a keen observer of human nature, i'm getting the impression that this is just a phase. i went through the whole detach from my family phase. maybe it is because your son has aspergers he is more outspoken and harsh about it? seems normal to me, but way more intense.
but what do i know?
either way, love, hugs and prayers to your family
You probably did everything as right as could be done...and remember (very droll tone here) If his opinion was so very reasoned and informed why is he calling you then? I'm a big fan of 'shut the wallet' and presenting him with the savings bond is something I'd just keep putting off and redirecting him as much as I could. (I know easier said than done)
He's behaving exactly like a 19-year-old... without Aspergers! He's selfish, self-involved, paranoid and convinced he can do anything on his own. I am pretty sure I remember feeling very similarly at that age - and I don't have Asp.
However, since he does have Aspergers, I absolutely relate to your fears about how he will find his own way. And how others who don't know him will react as he finds that way.
You can keep an eye on him without him knowing. Perhaps he needs freedom... it did me a world of good. I spent one semester working full-time at a job one can get without a college degree and I quickly got my ass back into college so I could earn more than minimum wage without bennies.
Right, well, you're in America, so I'm assuming *you* paid his uni fees.
If he hasn't given you that 85% back, then I'd be getting it back. The $1400 is a good start to that, and then he can see about getting himself a job *without* a degree. The wages of which he can then give to you to repay the 15% of the fees he didn't get back.
A semester of paying rent/bills/fees and he *should* be ready to go back to uni after that.
You're *not* a bad Mom, by the way. He's *not* a bad kid either. He's just at that age. We all go through it *sigh*.
You could try negotiating part-time classes at a local college with him, that way he's still collecting credits, and has moral/social support, and he gets "his own way" and keeps his options open.
Good luck to you.
I hope your son is safe.
PS- Did you gently remind him that no forced relationship means no help from you? (If you don't talk, he can't ask for help.)
'He announced that he wanted to cut all ties and to have no further "forced relationship" with us. Apparently we "don't believe in him, his dreams, or capabilities... and that we were trying to force him down the path WE thought he should take...." '
That had to be hard to take. I am new to your blog, so I don't know you even a little bit, and the reverse is probably true. I hate giving "advice" because every situation is different. I also have only very limited experience with Asperger's. My one kid that left home at barely 17 came back in Feb at 19.5...pregnant. It's a whole different situation, but I feel like I sorta know what it's like to have the good stuff you've done for one get thrown back at you like so much garbage, because she did that for quite a long time.
So even though I won't give advice, I'll tell you what *I* would do.
If I did pay the tuition, I'd demand that back, and I would inform him he could give me the wasted 15% when he's able. I'd give him his savings bonds. $1400 is a hell of a lot more than I had when I left school and got married. Though it'd certainly hurt, I'd honor his wishes to sever ties, but assure him that while I'll not be used, I will be there for him if he ever changes his mind.
Whatever you decide, my heart hurts for you. Nothing in this world hurts more than being rejected by your own child.
I don't have anything to offer, other than what has probably already occurred to you. A "cooling off" period, before any money changes hands? A third party conversation partner?
A friend of mine with a young adult who had a death wish-- drugs and sex with strangers-- told me once that she viewed her job as keeping her daughter alive until she was old enough to be smart. Whatever it took. That story had a happy ending. The girl got to her late 20's, alive and much smarter. She'll always need help, but she got past the really, really dangerous time.
I wonder what set him off.
Best to you.
We don't know what precipitated the action. Perhaps he had a bad social interaction that mirrored High School. Perhaps he knew that as long as we were paying his bill, we had a "say" or the right to minor expectations of performance, etc.
I know that severing is necessary at this age - I realize a certain amount of this is normal. I guess we need to back away from one another far enough, so that we an truly "hear" him... We'll see...
Just for a minute, listen to what he said and take it at face value. Sometimes good intentions don't matter. You think you believe in him, but something has gone haywire. Were options open other than college this year? Real options, not "go or get the hell out" kind of options? Were there options for where, when, what to study? Real options? What kind of demands and ultimatums, spoken or unspoken, might be lingering in the background?
Some parents send, unintentionally, a very loud yet silent message, "comply with this path or you're a waste" or "comply with this plan or else we will always look down on you" etc. Look very carefully into your souls. You're angry and wanting answers and wanting to demand things, lay down the law, cut the ties "fine then have it your way" etc. But step back. Maybe what he is saying is, we need to move into our new roles slowly, somehow, and this way is not going to work for me. And maybe he has found that you have not heard his message at lower volumes.
Anyways...this tough love approach did not work. Upon returning home I left for good 6 months before my 18th birthday. It was the start of a rough life, young parenthood and Im am just now finally catching up to being a real, responsible, productive adult. It also created a rift in my family that continues to this day.
Im not the best person to give advice on parenting a difficult teen, but just remember that it could be a whole lot worse. He could be on drugs, or hanging with destructive friends, etc. It seems like he just needs a little freedom and confidence that he can be a functioning adult. I know the temptation to cut him off financially is great, its frustrating to sit and watch your boy fuck up and can make you angry. I would just let him drift for awhile, be supportive and if college isn't his thing perhaps help him explore other options...work, maybe just a few classes at a local community college where he can stay at home while attending. The whole college thing was probably overwhelming for the poor guy and he freaked.
You sound like a good mother, and I'll pray for your family.
It's hard to go it alone--he will learn. Try to not judge.
Best to you all.
And Geebees comment best mirrored my own take on all this. This is likely just a kid who suddenly felt he was in over his head and panicked.
But the good news is that your kid knows that your door is always open and that your support will never waver.
Things will get better sooner rather than later I expect.
Oh and by the way, you two are wonderful parents.
Hang in there
My oldest son wanted to graduate early from high school. We could see that he'd taken what he could from that experience, and we knew that a bored older teen could get into a lot of trouble in this town, so we said, "Fine, but you need to leave for college in January." He did, and struggled a little but eventually found his footing. Years later, on a visit home, he brought his undergrad diploma (by then he had an MD/PhD) and said, "You should keep this, because I really did it for you." We couldn't figure out whether to be appalled or proud, but eventually we sorted out the message: "You kept me on the right track until I could figure out for myself what I wanted to do." About all we can do as parents of college-age kids is try to help them avoid choices that will permanently block paths they later want to take.
whatever is going on in his head, he wants to sever ties and move along with his life. all our kids do it, move along, sometimes ready sometimes not. that's growing up. try and fail, try and succeed, growth either way. your son has grown up, probably not sufficiently but hey, what can you do? maybe he's not doing what might be best. or maybe he is.
no one will know until the deed is done. and really in a way, it has to be that way, painful as it is.
so mom, stay stay strong, keep loving, be pissed if you want, but don't hold it against him. he's just a kid with a whole life a head of him.
ps...you probably fucked up. so what. you're not perfect. HE fucked up too. everyone fucks up. we're human. it's not what you do (unless you manage to drop a kid on it's head repeatedly...then maybe it's a little suspect). in the end, it's your INTENT. and it sounds to me that your intent was love.
good luck. :)
I also thought the part about his wanting no contact with you, but please pick him up now, sounded familiar. I believe there is a book on parenting adolescents called something like I HATE YOU, LEAVE ME ALONE, BUT FIRST COULD YOU TAKE ME AND JENNIFER TO THE MALL? Just about sums it up.
So buck up, put your big boy or girl pants on and carry on. I guarantee that the sun will rise tomorrow. Even If it doesn't what the hell are you going to do about it!
Best of luck to all of you and please, don't stop living your own life as you watch him struggle with his. Take care of yourself in that empty nest.
Sometimes my kids have done best when I run out of options...
What a worry.
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The truth is I did something very similar with my parents a few years ago. Albeit, I was in my late twenties, with a graduate degree, and a pretty decent paying job.
He needs to do his own thing for awhile to figure things out. You really need to let him. Also understand folks with ASD don't place the same importance on family relationships. Which is one of the cold hard truths you will have to realize, you are no more important then anybody else, and if your actions towards him were constraining, you put yourself on thin ice with regards to him as an adult. Its the cold hard truth...blood is not thicker than water for somebody with AS, and we are not nearly as sentimental when it comes to family as many NT. To me...family has to earn my love, it does not come automatically. Selfish as it may be, I chose the people I love, it is not something that comes out of circumstances such as birth.
Remember this is a development disorder, and an odd one. His intellect may be light years ahead of even you, but the way he lives life is very different. Many people with AS go through thier reblious stage in college or in their twenties...not in High School when they are teenagers. The difference is how that rebelious stage is handled has to be VERY different from NT kids. The only way he is going to grow is figure this out on his own. Remember, AS is basically a case of being very introverted, in many ways, when we figure stuff out, it is best when we do it on our own.
Love is not guaranteed. Nothing is. And even if you are parents...you are very much disposable. Just remember that. This is very much a one way street with him...there is only one way to go. Unconditional acceptance.
With that being said...it is the love you show when he comes back, that you need to show. An open mind. Again...love has to be earned, and being controlling is the last thing you need to be now and in the future. He has gotten to a point which can make or break any future you have on your part. It will require infinite tolerance and acceptance on your part. If that is not there...you can very well lose him forever.
That said , I disagree with TSS that AS is a disorder. It's another way of functioning. In some circumstances, it may be a better way. And shouldn't respect be earned?
We all fuck up and we all do right and we all deserve to be loved right where we are. I see people "fuck up" with me all the time and for the most part, I let it go and we move on. Let me hope others do the same with me. Or you. Or your son.
We're all flawed and highly perfect.