A few weeks ago I was having drinks with a good friend of mine. We share a significant age gap of approximately forty years. Nevertheless, he keeps up, he's still a visionary. He said to me, "you know, there's a notable difference between your generation and mine."

Of all the things he could possibly mean: iPods, Pokemon, Twitter, hybrid cars, Morningstar products...he chose not a one.

"What's that?" I asked.

"The butt." He said. "Your generation is obsessed with the butt. When I was your age, we wouldn't consider putting it in the ass."

"Oh, my friend, you're sorely mistaken. Not all of us are obsessed with the butt. In fact, I value it more highly than my own baby-maker. I'm saving my anus for marriage."

It sounds like a prolific statement of massive implications to human sexuality and today's strata of sexual pre-marital "hand outs". The blow job! Oh yes, that's a gimme. The hand job? Of course. The rim job? Well, maybe. Vaginal dick-travel? Yes! Though one realm remains controversial: the anus.

Why such a sensitive topic, the anal sex?

Oh right, because it fucking hurts.

To endure such pain for a man, it must truly be worth something. More than the breaking of a hymen, more than the refusal to create throat babies (read: swallowing). A woman's anus is a narrow sanctuary for the penis that must be salvaged at all costs. For thou shalt be smote upon by the anus gods if this tight temple is stretched beyond it's capacity for defecation (by a dong) prior to marriage! A wife's anus would be worthless to her husband!

Your dowry will not be paid. Your family will be shamed!

Additionally, I don't want my man to potentially give me an enema prior to legally locking him down. Pooping all over him in the heat of excruciating passion is grounds for him to bail. I'd best have factored in his financial risks prior to allowing him to enter my ripe pink ruby star fruit of an asshole.

Girls, protect your anuses carefully. There is no such thing as anal ben-wah-balls for as far as I am aware. There may be re-virginization surgery, but there is no such procedure for the anus.

It still remains controversial and thusly, considered by some to be sacred.