A few weeks ago I was having drinks with a good friend of mine. We share a significant age gap of approximately forty years. Nevertheless, he keeps up, he's still a visionary. He said to me, "you know, there's a notable difference between your generation and mine."
Of all the things he could possibly mean: iPods, Pokemon, Twitter, hybrid cars, Morningstar products...he chose not a one.
"What's that?" I asked.
"The butt." He said. "Your generation is obsessed with the butt. When I was your age, we wouldn't consider putting it in the ass."
"Oh, my friend, you're sorely mistaken. Not all of us are obsessed with the butt. In fact, I value it more highly than my own baby-maker. I'm saving my anus for marriage."
It sounds like a prolific statement of massive implications to human sexuality and today's strata of sexual pre-marital "hand outs". The blow job! Oh yes, that's a gimme. The hand job? Of course. The rim job? Well, maybe. Vaginal dick-travel? Yes! Though one realm remains controversial: the anus.
Why such a sensitive topic, the anal sex?
Oh right, because it fucking hurts.
To endure such pain for a man, it must truly be worth something. More than the breaking of a hymen, more than the refusal to create throat babies (read: swallowing). A woman's anus is a narrow sanctuary for the penis that must be salvaged at all costs. For thou shalt be smote upon by the anus gods if this tight temple is stretched beyond it's capacity for defecation (by a dong) prior to marriage! A wife's anus would be worthless to her husband!
Your dowry will not be paid. Your family will be shamed!
Additionally, I don't want my man to potentially give me an enema prior to legally locking him down. Pooping all over him in the heat of excruciating passion is grounds for him to bail. I'd best have factored in his financial risks prior to allowing him to enter my ripe pink ruby star fruit of an asshole.
Girls, protect your anuses carefully. There is no such thing as anal ben-wah-balls for as far as I am aware. There may be re-virginization surgery, but there is no such procedure for the anus.
It still remains controversial and thusly, considered by some to be sacred.
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Amy A
big fat trauma queen
Sheldon The Wonderhorse
BikeLizard
WriteNOWMom
Del Stone
Salon.com
Comments
You're doing it wrong.
Don't worry many people are. Please allow me to illuminate the subject for you.
I absolutely agree with your no entrance before marriage policy. I too had that one, then I got married, and well one thing led to another and my husband got the all access pass. Which he earned by being a very, Very gifted lover. Which is why he is my X, he felt the need to share that particular gift with other women as well.
We are now divorced, and I am spoilt forever! Once you have had it soo good, trust me you want it again!
There IS a method to the maddness though...Here I am going to get a little graphic, I will try to use prose to make it palatable.
First you must have trust for your first time (after the first you know the swing, and trust me there will be a second!).
You must be with someone who knows you and is attentive to YOUR needs, this is key, because you need to have one of the biggest O's of your life! Store it up, work it out abstain for a few days...build it up.
Once 'oooOOO...O GOD!' is established and you have released your sweet necter it is time to embark on a very pleasurable cruise.
There are some tips and tricks:
1. Preperation: douch...regular douch just front And back this time. No special equiptment needed. Void before hand, douch then shower...it takes the body about 6 to 8 hours to process a meal, keep this in mind when you are getting ready for your 'first time'.
2. Method: he sits with his back against a wall with you on top laying back, this is a relaxing position, as well it gives full access to finger play and an even greater O experience once he is in. (make sure a towel is either down or handy, just in case)
3. Remain in Control, you need to be the one pushing Not him, also make sure that you are very well lubricated (use water based products as they will not stain and usually have a higher viscosity). 4. Go slow, if it hurts a little it's ok, it will only be for a second. Don't tense or clench! just relax (think gyno appt. relax, everything down there needs to be slack).
5. And most important! Relax, enjoy it, never be ashamed to express your self sexually. If slip ups happen, messes what not, remember its all just body fluids, nothing to worry about.
6. Get ready cause once you join the butt slut club you really never want to go back;) Once you get into the rhythm of it trust me it Really does feel good.
This is a beautiful wonderful way to expres your love and your trust to your partner...
And once you divorce the lying cheating sack of shit, its also a great way to get back at him! By having mind blowing sex with the next Hot ass guy you meet (hopefully his best friend!, not that I planned to, but it was good, OH so good!).
As always I love that you give me inspiration to elucidate upon, you are my muse.
Thank you as always for your input, and your praise. However, this blog is an effort, 100%, in satire. It's hard to communicate that, over the internet, especially when my blog is somtimes serious. But not in this case, no ma'am.
Like if this were stand up, this "saving my anus for marriage thing" would be one entire bit.
The joke being, the irony of sanctifying one orifice but not another. Religious people are funny.
xoxo
Asta