I don't mean you. You reading this as this exact moment, no siree. You probably don't apply.

I mean the you, you lot of women out there who at some point in your adult lives proclaimed, "I want to be treated like a princess." Or "I am a princess" or some variation of the whole thing.

I've seen a lot of you in the media. Especially as wedding season approaches, on wedding related programming, to be more specific.

What does that mean? I wanna be a princess. I can't help but hear it in a whiney sing-song tone.

Does it simply mean that you're vapid? A fucking black hole of common sense? Does it mean that you have high self esteem? Does it mean that you have an absolutely inflated sense of self that should not be tolerated, or placated, at any costs? Maybe you're a money pit? Or are you literally, a woman that was born and bred to marry royalty and will marry said royal ugly dude because you're 'spoze to?  

Clearly, I could go on pondering what the fuck this insufferable sentence means. But let's just all agree to quote Mandy Patankin in "The Princess Bride", "That word...I do not think it means what you think it means."

You, you lot of women who decide that this is a good aspirational thing, being a princess, are making the rest of us look bad. For two reasons: 

1) This word...princess...it does not mean what you think it means.

...and

2) If you knew what it meant, you'd realize how badly it would suck of ass to be a princess.

Thusly making you look like a pile of brain matter to which oxygen to which your chromosomal make-up was not so kind.

Remember in the fabulous film "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" in which the dynamic duo of dudes, Bill and Ted, went back in time to rescue the princesses they met? They said, "We are to be married to horrible old men today!" Yup, that's pretty much it. Kinda like Brittany Murphy and Simon Monjack. 

Hey, I wonder if she wanted to be a princess, too?!

Being a princess was awful. Think of Anne Boleyn. She was forced to marry an old fat dude. Perhaps forced is the wrong word. Let's say - socially coerced. Still, modern day princesses ain't got it so great either. Princess Diana had to marry a super ugly dude, then die because of her fame. Her fate was not unlike princesses of yore. Anne Boleyn was accused of infractions which we did not commit (treason, for one) and killed off (see: executed) effecitvely because she didn't produce a male heir. Therefore the king had to move on, find another wealthy and rare young uterus to impregnate with his hobbit sperm, and hope for a male heir from that womb.

So basically, you're raised to be a really well educated uterus. Easily disposable at any time for a more preferable uterus. Congratulations. You're moving moutains for the women all around you.

I find this phrase "I wanna be a princess" used most often in the bridal context. If this is the case, do you assume your husband is marrying you for your uterus? Maybe. If so, do you find your uterus to be disposable? And the you that it exists within? I doubt he thinks of you that disrespectfully, but think long and hard, do you think of you that disrespectfully? Do you really think that you need to be showered with dresses, shoes, and shiny shit to feel like you're worth something? 

If so, I feel very very badly for you and implore you to address this issue.

You are not a princess. I don't say that to mean. I say that because you're fucking lucky not to be a princess.