Asta Charles

Asta Charles
Los Angeles, California, USA
December 12
Myth Maker
A foul-mouthed commentator on life, society, politics, pop culture, and economics. I spend a lot of time in bars. I wrote a manuscript about the perils of online dating and its ultimate cost to society. It's not published. Meh.


JUNE 21, 2010 12:40AM

I Want to be Reincarnated as Glenn Beck

Rate: 7 Flag


I realize the intense obscurity and irony of this statement. Glenn Beck, as most of us in this liberal blogosphere would believe, is an over-hyped entertainer crusading as a conservative political and economic evalgenist. He know his audience will believe anything he says. Because like Rush Limbaugh, he's taken small atoms of what they want to believe and blown them up into a fusion bomb of "I suspect that I don't like immigrants" and "I suspect that the reason I am poor is becuase the government is taking all my money." By using these two sensitive political-emotional stati, they can connect semi-reasonable questions to radical conservative opinions. The sinewy bits in between be damned. Details and logic suck after all. They aren't too helpful to entertainers.

Logic is not a tool that these pricks employ. They do a fabulous job of coercing Americans via fear rather than fact. 

Facts will never win over those that are afraid.

I'm fucking scared of two things: becoming fat and flying. 

My future husband does a bang up job of trying to convince me that both are considerably retarded fears. I don't eat more than 1300 calories per day, and I work out, so the likelihood of becoming fat is extremely slim (pardon the pun). The likelihood of my dying in a plane crash is also extremely slim. The facts are that, well, it just doesn't happen very often.

To change the minds of people that are afraid is nearly impossible. Especially when the abusive person that has exploited their fear also, creepily, appears to be helping them: by finding more shit for them to be afraid of. This grows paranoia. Which can start to feel like logic at some point. Unfortunately, all this happens so quietly and subconciously that it's nearly impsosible to stop before it's too late. By the time Beck or Limbaugh or Palin have turned a person into a Buffalo killing, immigrant hating asshole, they're completely unaware of their transformation. 

Also, they can't be turned back into normal people with slight suspicions unless they're re-programmed by their trusted political pundit. Socialist economics mavens can't wedge logic and basic tenets of supply, demand, and taxation into their little skulls if we trepanned them and physically shoved them in.

So here's what I would like: to go back in time and be reincarnated as Glenn Beck. Or any conservative political pundit would do.

It would be totally awesome. I'd plan my life out to be a liberal masquerading as a conservative. I'd be like Stephen Colbert except even more covert. I wouldn't be a satire, I'd be a fucking spy. Also, I would magically know that I was meant to do this from a very young age, because y'know, I'd be reincarnated.

I'd school myself at Bob Jones University. I'd study political science and religious studies, then maybe get my masters in economics. I'd be properly educated and then get a job inWashington DC in some journalism capacity. Eventually I'd start doing speeches and lectures. They would be conservative in nature .They would pander to the fearful.

With much work, I'd get on Fox News. I'd be wearing almost nothing, because I'm a woman. All their female anchors seem to be relegated to clothing that is worn in the exact opposite climate that their male co-hosts clothing would be worn. This is because they have boobs.

But I digress....

Here's where the magic happens. I'd eventually start to sneak in some liberal ideas. I wouldn't identify them as liberal. I wouldn't identify them as new. They'd simply be my own. My own precious advice that I'm imparting to the commoners out of the goodness of my heart. 

"Write to your congressmen and women about healthcare, tell them that they're so horrible with money, this is the only thing you'd like to see them do with it." 

Yes, yes, something like that. I'd be so sneaky.

This is the only reason I can see to procreate at this juncture. I'd have to mold this very small human sprung forth from my loins to do my political and ideological bidding. 

Sadly, as I wring my brain like a dishrag trying to figure out how to eliminate polarization in politics and to again insert the logic of consumer incentivization, I don't see any other way.

Maybe it's a job for the CIA?  



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A fine take on the stupification of America. As dumb and unworthy as I believe Glenn Beck is, does not eliminate the fact that Glenn is part of what I believe is the most fantastical propaganda machine of all time.

They exploit weaknesses and create divisions, it's really something to behold and study... then we identify weaknesses and create divisions until the whole thing implodes.

Maybe then humanity can accomplish something for the greater good.
I think religious studies and political science are the same course at BJU. (BJU -- interesting initials)
@Bonnie Russell: Ok done. I added Joe Barton. Thank you. :)
And thank you for reading!
@jay busse: For that reason, I can't agree with people when they say "oh just ignore him, he's an idiot." I can't ignore him, because he is impactful, in an extremely harmful way. He does matter. Just as much as stepping in a piece of shit can ruin your day.

Thank you for reading!
@john blumenthal:
Haha yeah...

Christian kids like blow jobs just as much as everyone else.
Ugh. Glenn Beck. I wish he'd start drinking again. He'd be a lot more fun. You know why his show comes on at 5 o'clock? Because most of his audience is in bed by 7. He mostly scares old people. That makes him even worse. He and Limbaugh likely got the shit kicked out of them daily on the playground and this crap is how they get even with the world. Beck's a clown and clowns are creepy and can't be trusted.
@Michael Rodgers:
All thoes talking heads are totally clowns. All clowns do provide a strange visual characature that, in a way, preys on our fears as well. I'm freaked the fuck out by having colored seth rogan hair and a red ball nose. Oh wait, clowns also look like alcoholics. So that's two points for proof that Glenn Beck is a clown.
come back as jenny appleseed. stride across america secreting history books in public libraries. real ones, i mean.

if americans were less ignorant, they might be less frightened. but it might be genetic: since ww2, americans have gotten shorter, europeans taller. i suspect diet is starving the never robust american brain. whether diet or genes or both, you can get a more sophisticated world view in your average french farm village than in american, anywhere.
@al loomis:
That would be lovely.

I definitely understand why the French can be perceived as assholes. They're not much different from the rest of us, in any nation, who have left our homeland at least once and tried to live farther than 100 miles from our parents.
This is brilliant.