by Athena Bradford
When I first saw the Hello Kitty vibrator, I dismissed it as just another novelty sex toy, but it keeps popping up like a twisted pez dispenser. And I’m starting to get really annoyed.
What’s next? A Polly Pocket rocket? A baby doll vibe that cries “Wahl” if left unattended for too long? Or maybe the new tween version of Dora will come equipped with a mini rabbit so she can start exploring her own prime real estate?
Sure the Hello Kitty vibrator plays nicely with “I Rub My Duckie,” and it's a better bridal shower gift than another damn fondue pot. But scratch the pretty pink surface of this mechanical device and you’re left with a pretty ineffective vibrator.
The poor design and the two AA batteries just don’t produce enough power, which means that you’ll be punching in and punching out on your rhyme clock with little to show for it. The whole point of using a vibrator is to achieve orgasm. Why would you want to work so hard at it? I’m not in it for the cute; I want acute precision and power.
The underlying question, however, is why do females balk at claiming their sexuality as mature adults? It may seem that I’m reading too much into the semiotics of sex toys, and that I should chill out and adopt an attitude that is more sangfroid and less sangFreud. But ask yourself this: Can you imagine marketers of male sex toys tapping into little boy fantasies to increase a product’s sales potential?
“Wow, You know what would really turn men on? A Lord of the C-Ring vibe? GI Blow condoms?” Elmo’s Erection extender? (Wait, did I just hear hundreds of legs crossing?) Not a chance.
Men don’t want or need to cloak their sex drive with a scrim of childishness. Nor do they collect kitschy sex toys that send their friends into paroxysms of giggles. They don’t just embrace their sexuality; they inhabit it. Women should take note because sexual women are powerful women. They have knowledge of their innermost inferno’s Morse code, and they understand that sex is as much about taking and taking as it is about giving.
As for me, I don’t need Buzz Lightyear’s promise to take me “To Infinity and Beyond!” I just reach for my Jimmyjane Form 6. It is a loaded gun with the safety off, and my pleasure spots are clearly in its crosshairs.
So, sorry Hello Kitty. Our pussies won’t be meeting for a play date. I’ve put away my childish toys and only engage in recreational equipment that satisfy the siren that rouses me from sleep and ignite the powder keg of my sexuality.
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Comments
I'm so with you on this.
;p
MTN, reading, said to himself: "Male sex toys?"
There are only two "male sex toys" - our partners, or (when we're less fortunate) ourselves. And, really, a woman is a veritable super-Swiss Army knife version. I don't have the math to calculate all the permutations and combinations.
Men don't need, want, or want to hear about any other kind of "male sex toy". May I say this? Ick! For a number of reasons.
Now, conspiracychic said: "I think men have a vested interest in making women think vibrators are ridiculous."
What?! What are you thinking, conspiracychic? Men will leap over a table, knock down our buddies, or crawl over broken glass, to get to a woman with a collection of these implements. Ownership of such products is one clear indicator that a woman has (at least some of) her priorities straight.
So, to summarize: Toys for women: Good. Toys for men: You've got to be kidding.
The last time I went to an adult store to find something I was so appalled at the revolting colors, names and designs, I left with nothing.
Rated
When it comes to vibes and other toys, function is first, foremost, and really, all that counts.
K. I'll stop now.
It's all about function and effectiveness. When it comes to giving myself an orgasm, I'm all about getting the job done. And there are soooooo many "bad vibes" out there.
Can I make a plug here for the Eroscillator? Powerful, effective, *quiet* and non-numbing. Rather than vibrating is oscillates (as the name implies), which is not a pounding motion, but a motion more like your fingers makes. Mmmm, hmmmm!!!
Out of all the vibes I've collected, the only two I use are the Eroscillator and that old standby, the Hitachi Wand (which I have appropriately nicknamed Jack . . . . . Jack Hammer).
Hello Kitty??? Good-bye pussy!
Thanks, Cartouche!!
I'll never be able to see Hello Kitty again without thinking of these vibrators.
Ugh. Blecch.
' Women have all these wonderful toys to play with and the only option men have is using their other hand and pretend they are having sex with a spastic.'
There's a Martian Love Doll on the market. She's a blue, blow-up doll with three tits and "ass-shaped" ears. She's the "hottest love slave in the galaxy."
Don't ask me how I know this.
Can you imagine a "hello kitty" themed Maternity Ward at a hospital? Thats a new hit over in Taiwan. This post cracked me up, it is a great piece.
Rated.
You clearly have not seen the large collection of blow-up gag dolls that exists out there. Some time ago, I found a blow-up sheep in one of the local LA sex-shops that a friend and I frequented.
Thank you. Someone had to say it. Who needs innovation.. just what works. Although watch your suggestions for guy toys get picked up on now and end up in supermarket aisles while the women's stay loudly too cute in private stores.
I saw Jimmyjane at Babeland, but woooo! I don't have that much green to spend on my orgasms. God bless my sturdy, cheapo silver bullet. And my rabbit. And my Thumbelina. And my...... :D
Rrrrrrrrrrated!
"I think it's part of the infantilization of women."
No more than the penis shaped pacifiers you see at bachelorette parties. :)
They've had these Hello Kitty monstrosities over in Tokyo for years.
I guess the message is that we women are supposed to be cutesy, wear our hair in pigtails, and dress in school-girl uniforms? Oh, and giggle a lot......mustn't forget the giggling.
:D
After I used the Eroscillator® for the first time, I actually called the owners of Aphrodite’s Toy Box (www.Aphroditestoybox.com) to thank them for recommending it. I wasn’t in the market for a new toy, especially one that costs $130, but they kept raving about its virtues. Not technically a vibrator, this device produces a side-to-side oscillating motion as opposed to the up-and-down movements of a vibrator. Believe me, you’ll be doing your version of flying sit spins after you try it! Now I normally don’t turn to Dr. Ruth for sex advice (make that never), but the Eroscillator® is the only sex toy that she recommends and sponsors.
Here are the top 6 reasons why I love it:
1. It’s so quiet that every other toy you use will sound like a jackhammer in comparison.
2. The flexibility of a 12-foot cord.
3. It’s waterproof so you can clean the entire device (minus the power converter, of course) with soap and water.
4. Three speeds and several attachments so you can vary the intensity and sensations with ease.
5. Very lightweight and streamlined design.
6. The company has a 30-day return policy that allows you to try it out, and if you are not satisfied, you can return it and get a 50% refund.
If you conclude that I'm a big fan, I'm guilty but charged!