Athena Bradford

Athena Bradford
Atlanta, Georgia, US
November 07
Athena Bradford is a writer, explorer, researcher, and the author of “The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Vibrators.” She suffers from delusions of candor and longs for days when there is no embargo on pleasure.


JUNE 29, 2009 6:44AM

How to Give Great Phone Sex

Rate: 19 Flag
phonestockxpertcom_id15571311_jpg_2d96b13b61c0673680e6eb56ff15107fWhile phone sex comes naturally to some women, others find it to be worst kind of aural exam. “Will I sound silly?  Am I doing it right?  What if he starts laughing instead of panting?  Only you can determine if this is the spice your relationship needs, but if done properly, it can spark a sexual revolution.  Here is my best advice:

1. Do your homework.  This is essential If you a true crude prude, and seldom are heard any x-rated words from your mouth. How do you get comfortable with the mainstays of all dirty conversations?  I recommend that you go to see a David Mamet play, tune in to Howard Stern, and/or study George Carlin’s “The 7 Words You Can’t Say on Television.”  Remember that you need to feel passionate when you say them, so insert them into your everyday thoughts,” e.g.,  Time to get that asshole Jimmy out of his crib.”

2.Think outside the box and expand your focus group beyond your vagina.  There are dozens of sweet spots and each one is crying out for attention.  Start with the parts furthest from your home plate—nibbling toes, tonguing ears, fondling breasts and work toward the jackpot.  When you feel comfortable, consider adding combo-moves, e.g.” I love it when you squeeze my tits while you suck on me.  This one comes with my personal guarantee.

 3. Practice.  Schedule your annual physical and mammogram NOW.  During your appointments, engage in a lively inner conversation.  Grind that speculum, Baby.”  “You think that hurts? That's how I like it.  Now, squeeze those puppies harder.”  You call that a rectal exam?  Try three finger and then we’re talking.”

4. A picture can be worth 1000 words.  If you’re still feeling shy and awkward, consider this.  Take a photo of yourself holding a vibrator.  Send it to his phone along with the text message. “Don’t make me use this,” and wait for his call.

5. Avoid cute phrases.  “My honey pot wants a visit from Mr. Bojangles” might be adorable in the bedroom but you’re trying to scorch the airways. Your goal is to get royally laid, so call a spade a spade. Try whispering “I want you to fuck me so hard that I’ll scream,” and see what happens.  I promise you that, “I want you to put a finger up my ass and my pussy the next time we have sex” will win out over “let’s do that double thumbs-up thingie,” every time.

6.Remember your motivation. You’re not trying to get elected into the canon of great works; you want to fire a cannon of trash talk.  Start out using an old standby, i.e., “ I want you to ram your _____ in my _____."


Phrases to Avoid

Salami; lunchbox

Tongue; tonsils

Fingers; kidneys

Penis; neocortex

7. Never say in 2 words what you can say in 20. This is called building the tension.  Don’t just tell him you want to straddle him—add some filthy flair.  Expand your repertoire by focusing on adjectives that end in “est” and verbs ending in “ck.”  Need some inspiration, rent 9 ½ weeks and take notes. 

8. Avoid all food references, unless you’re planning on dripping chocolate and whipped cream on his body and licking them off.  Leave food analogies to the doctors.  “The tumor was a big as a cantaloupe,” just doesn’t bode well for wild monkey sex. “ My God, your balls are as big as grapefruits,” or “ I want you so much that my clit is as big as a chicken nugget,” are best left unsaid.

9.  Use some judgment.  Which would you partner prefer? “ I can’t wait for you to get lost in my human hair farm” or “The heat from your breath on my pussy makes me so horny for you.”  Similarly ”I love when you massage your flea stick in my face,” is unlikely to win out over  “I want you to come all over my face and hair."

10. Stick to the subject.  You’re after one thing—wild, crazy, rip your clothes off with your teeth kind of sex.  Do not conflate this with a heart-to-heart about sharing and caring and renewing a long-term commitment ala Dr. Phil. Nothing like hearing “I’d like to bear your pigeon-footed children,” to shrink a man faster than cashmere in a dryer.  You’re creating a spontaneous passion play, so leave the spooning, crooning and honeymooning for another call. 

11. Get in the mood.  Before you call, put on something sexy and stretch out like the sex kitten you are.   When he asks what you’re wearing (and he will) you don’t want to admit you’re clad in sweats and those awful carrot slippers your mother gave you as a joke.  Set the stage with candles, soft music and dim lighting.  Avoid all distractions and please make sure your phone is completely charged.

12.  Have fun.  This is a perfect opportunity to act out your fantasies. It’s just two voices teasing and tantalizing so make the most of it.  Russian spy? (Get out the trench coat, Mata Hari), or maybe you’ve always wanted to slip on the ruffled panties of a schoolgirl who keeps dropping her damn pencil.  "Oops, I’m so clumsy Mr. ____. "  For those 15-20 minutes, you’re a seductress. Period. No reminders about errands, no complaints about kids, no nagging about life’s irritations.  It’s about getting what you want and giving him what he craves—a brazen admission of how much you love sex with him.  Who could resist that?

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There's a lot of great stuff on Open Salon this morning! Loved the “My honey pot wants a visit from Mr. Bojangles" line. Good thing I wasn't drinking milk at the moment otherwise it would be flying out my nose at the moment.

This is now on Reddit for all who are interested it takes less than 30 seconds to sign up and rate a person there. No e-mail address required.
"Schedule your annual physical and mammogram NOW. During your appointments, engage in a lively inner conversation. "

Uh, inner conversation?? Oh now you tell me. I did this in outer conversation and now, I think my proctologist has a thing for me.



Good advice. Yeah, that laughing thing during phone sex I've heard is bad.

Smart and funny, Athena. Now, if only I had a man to call.
Okay, that was just damn funny. . .and instructional. A couple of the suggestions nearly brought me to tears. . .laughing. . .thank you
"Never say in 2 words what you can say in twenty." Sounds like something they teach in law school.
"Flea stick" nearly got me to spray coffee all over the screen! This is brilliant - as usual, Ms. Athena. And great advice. Rated, of course.
Great stuff. I thought most phone sex operators weighted 300 lbs, and couldn't put on something sexy and lay sexy on a couch with a crane. But you've changed my mind. Now, your number is, I lost my wallet, you'll have to PM it to me!
I would have loved being able to listen as you did the research and practice to come up with this stellar list of suggestions--can you send it directly to my wife?
I'm so glad "neocortex" went out of favor in the 70s.
Excellent tips Athena! I confess to having some experience in this area and it can be fun to use phone sex as an outlet for fantasies that are so off the wall that you would never attempt to act them out.

It's amazing to me how the human male will respond so easily to my sexual commands from thousands of miles away but "forgets" to pick up the dry cleaning when asked to do it "in person."
It figures. NOW I learn that "salami" is not a sexy word. Pfft.
I've been waiting for this all my life! Can hardly wait for the phone to ring. And...what's a 'double thumbs up thingie?' Rated!!!!

I would advise this:
remember that we are all in this world together,
all the little boys & little girls...and the big bad meanies
run the world, and they tell the little boys & little girls,
especially the little girls, that there is something...dirty
about them, about their bodies...

well! nothing could be further from the truth,
in reality....for you see, in reality, all the meanies WANT all the little boys and girls to
THINK that they are dirty, and that they are doing doirty filthy awful things....
because that's the way they make a living, all the meanies....they sell temporary reprieves...

AND ...well, of course lots of nice drugs to keep those dirty
sinful bodies running.....and.....well, basically, things...


well, the fact of the matter is that there has been a big con pulled.
God gave you a wonderful beautiful body that can feel all levels of pleasure,
including infinite......he gave you an EXPANDING body....senses that reach out & fill up Creation.....he gave you SKIN....

SKIN, not things!!!!!

Invite your phone client into the secret:
that the Apocalypse begins with an increase in sensual enjoyment...
the old "make love not war" argument,
only taken to extremes!

For God's sake, show yr client there is nothing to be ashamed of...
love & bliss & a great fuck & a really really great fuck
and a nice blowjob and alot of sucking & stroking & wallowing in come & then fucking again

could be a nightly occurence! Think how refreshed you'd be in the morning when you go out & help the Soft Revolution
overthrow the entire order of Man & usher in the Kingdom of God....

Look: sexual love is the door through which most of us enter into the Imaginative World....
for many it offers the ONLY glimpse into that world....
It is very pathetic when a chance for love is thwarted....mating and copulating may be "animal" or "dirty" or "sinful",
but imaginative love is our divine birthright,
as children of God...

"The Female searches sea & land
for gratifications to the male Genius,
who in return clothes her in gems & gold
and feeds her with the food of Eden...
Hence all her beauty beams..."

Tell 'em that!!!!

omg- #3 prevented me from reading the rest, as I simply could NOT stop laughing.....


Ah the memories of "lunch break" phone calls . . .yum!

@Travis Darby thank so much for the reddit
@Jim Emmerling. The last paragraph is a killer. I will tell them that.
I think from now own I should put my own rating system up. If if makes you spray coffee from your mouth or nose, it gets a definite thumbs up.
@Walter Blevins, send me her email address!
Much of this also will work in person :)
Normally, I hate lists like this, but I knew that coming from you it would be good, and of course, it was. You are too funny, woman, and as good at writing prose as you are at writing poetry. Rated!
athena, earthy, girly, how earthy!...confess to knowing/doing some of these...think my vibrator might become jealous...shhhh...not a bad way to get one's self off, either...(have you read my phone sex post, from months earlier?)
"Never say in 2 words what you can say in 20." Lesson learned. Funny and educational to boot! What more can you ask for? :}