1. Do your homework.  This is essential If you a true crude prude, and seldom are heard any x-rated words from your mouth. How do you get comfortable with the mainstays of all dirty conversations?  I recommend that you go to see a David Mamet play, tune in to Howard Stern, and/or study George Carlin’s “The 7 Words You Can’t Say on Television.”  Remember that you need to feel passionate when you say them, so insert them into your everyday thoughts,” e.g.,  “Time to get that asshole Jimmy out of his crib.”

2.Think outside the box and expand your focus group beyond your vagina.  There are dozens of sweet spots and each one is crying out for attention.  Start with the parts furthest from your home plate—nibbling toes, tonguing ears, fondling breasts and work toward the jackpot.  When you feel comfortable, consider adding combo-moves, e.g.” I love it when you squeeze my tits while you suck on me.”  This one comes with my personal guarantee.

 3. Practice.  Schedule your annual physical and mammogram NOW.  During your appointments, engage in a lively inner conversation.  “Grind that speculum, Baby.”  “You think that hurts? That's how I like it.  Now, squeeze those puppies harder.”  You call that a rectal exam?  Try three finger and then we’re talking.”

4. A picture can be worth 1000 words.  If you’re still feeling shy and awkward, consider this.  Take a photo of yourself holding a vibrator.  Send it to his phone along with the text message. “Don’t make me use this,” and wait for his call.

5. Avoid cute phrases.  “My honey pot wants a visit from Mr. Bojangles” might be adorable in the bedroom but you’re trying to scorch the airways. Your goal is to get royally laid, so call a spade a spade. Try whispering “I want you to fuck me so hard that I’ll scream,” and see what happens.  I promise you that, “I want you to put a finger up my ass and my pussy the next time we have sex” will win out over “let’s do that double thumbs-up thingie,” every time.

6.Remember your motivation. You’re not trying to get elected into the canon of great works; you want to fire a cannon of trash talk.  Start out using an old standby, i.e., “ I want you to ram your _____ in my _____."

Phrases to Avoid

Salami; lunchbox

Tongue; tonsils

Fingers; kidneys

Penis; neocortex

7. Never say in 2 words what you can say in 20. This is called building the tension.  Don’t just tell him you want to straddle him—add some filthy flair.  Expand your repertoire by focusing on adjectives that end in “est” and verbs ending in “ck.”  Need some inspiration, rent 9 ½ weeks and take notes. 

8. Avoid all food references, unless you’re planning on dripping chocolate and whipped cream on his body and licking them off.  Leave food analogies to the doctors.  “The tumor was a big as a cantaloupe,” just doesn’t bode well for wild monkey sex. “ My God, your balls are as big as grapefruits,” or “ I want you so much that my clit is as big as a chicken nugget,” are best left unsaid.

9.  Use some judgment.  Which would you partner prefer? “ I can’t wait for you to get lost in my human hair farm” or “The heat from your breath on my pussy makes me so horny for you.”  Similarly ”I love when you massage your flea stick in my face,” is unlikely to win out over  “I want you to come all over my face and hair."

10. Stick to the subject.  You’re after one thing—wild, crazy, rip your clothes off with your teeth kind of sex.  Do not conflate this with a heart-to-heart about sharing and caring and renewing a long-term commitment ala Dr. Phil. Nothing like hearing “I’d like to bear your pigeon-footed children,” to shrink a man faster than cashmere in a dryer.  You’re creating a spontaneous passion play, so leave the spooning, crooning and honeymooning for another call. 

11. Get in the mood.  Before you call, put on something sexy and stretch out like the sex kitten you are.   When he asks what you’re wearing (and he will) you don’t want to admit you’re clad in sweats and those awful carrot slippers your mother gave you as a joke.  Set the stage with candles, soft music and dim lighting.  Avoid all distractions and please make sure your phone is completely charged.

12.  Have fun.  This is a perfect opportunity to act out your fantasies. It’s just two voices teasing and tantalizing so make the most of it.  Russian spy? (Get out the trench coat, Mata Hari), or maybe you’ve always wanted to slip on the ruffled panties of a schoolgirl who keeps dropping her damn pencil.  "Oops, I’m so clumsy Mr. ____. "  For those 15-20 minutes, you’re a seductress. Period. No reminders about errands, no complaints about kids, no nagging about life’s irritations.  It’s about getting what you want and giving him what he craves—a brazen admission of how much you love sex with him.  Who could resist that?