If you posed that question six months ago, the bells would have rung, and I’d go home with all the prizes because the answer would have been me. We have every age-appropriate book ever written on the subjects of sex and the human body, and I’ve always answered my 12-year-old daughter’s question with great candor and ease. Years ago, when she came to me requesting more information about her “Virginia,” I was all over it. Two days later she was explaining body parts to her bears. “Repeat after me. This is the vagina.” Now, I have a rival, and she has an unfair advantage: she’s got street cred. Her name is Jenny, and everyday she holds court at the back of the bus. This where she practices her art of dispensing fallacious and salacious information while her acolytes whisper urgently and nod their head in agreement.
Picture a mini-Betty Davis with pink and black hair, peering through her cigarette smoke” and proclaiming in a world-weary voice, “Put out, honey, or be shut out.” Her puberty came early (of course) so she’s got plenty of curve appeal. To the sports bra set, this is all the qualification they need, but Jenny offers so much more. “Who’s doing it?” “Who wants to do it?“ “And who better do it soon?” Jenny sees and tells all. A mobile maven who is part sex therapist, part relationship coach—it’s so new millennium.
I first became aware of my nemesis when I took my daughter to see Juno. Great movie with lots of teaching moments, or so I thought until she uttered these words: “Jenny-from-the-bus said you can’t get pregnant the first time you have sex, so I think this movie was stupid.” I turned purple and through clenched teeth asked, “What else does Jenny-from-the-bus have to say.” This opened the floodgates. Everything from “you can’t get pregnant standing up because the sperm can’t swim that fast” to “ the only way to know for sure you’re pregnant is if McDonald’s fries make you puke” to “word to the wise—don’t chew gum if you’re doing your guy. It can get caught in his pubes and make a real mess.” Gee, thanks Jenny for those tips. I so totally get your point-- Love/sex isn’t for sissies and it requires some help to make it happen.
I managed to keep my cool as I calmly explained that Jenny was a stupid little so-and-so who should mind her own damn business. Since then I’ve tried to right my enemy’s wrongs. Now, like a soldier on the eve of battle, I’m stockpiling ammunition. I completely reorganized my Tivo line-up so that The Secret Life of an American Teenager and I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant are feature presentations. We’re starting with the basics. but this time I’m injecting them with extra awesomeness!
I’m not sure who’s winning, but at least I’m in the game. Yesterday, my daughter came home with news from her source. The headline was that Mark broke up with Serena because she wouldn’t give him a blow-dryer for his birthday. I asked if those were Jenny’s exact words. “I’m not sure. I mean why would Mark get so upset? He doesn’t even comb his hair?” So we sat down for a delightful conversation on oral sex, and I felt so much better. As long as she keeps asking, I’ll be there with the answers.
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Comments
"But isn't this what you said you wanted?"
Great to have you back.
Excellent piece.
Rated
My son has his very own (and growing) reference library of books, and we have lots of conversations. The other thing I keep saying (he's probably sick of it, but I keep saying it) is that it's OK to not understand something that some other kid says. It's also always OK to ask us privately what they're talking about, and I'll explain.
I highly recommend "It's So Amazing" and "It's Perfectly Normal" by Robie H. Harris, illustrated by Michael Emberley. There's another book in the series for younger kids called "It's Not the Stork."
:)
In today's culture, this is one powerful little arch enemy. I wish you all the luck in your war.
Rated.
:( ~L~
"“you can’t get pregnant standing up because the sperm can’t swim that fast”"
Yeah, that sounds about right, Jenny getting her sexpert advice from the same place a friend of mine in high school got hers, especially the "First time can't get pregnant" uh, yeah, lets just say, her kid is like 21 now!! :)
Also, please warn her about precum- Karen and an early boyfriend were playing around naked and he penetrated her slightly and then exited (that was literally the extent of friction- with no visible sign of semen or him feeling anything other than happy to play) and she got pregnant.
Great post, and as long as your daughter feels comfortable talking to you about sex, you should be proud and not worry too much. Highly, highly rated.
Then one of the nice girls from one of my Catholic school's "good" families told her mother that I was telling people about sex on the playground, and she got told not to believe me, because I was a dirty kid and I didn't know what I was talking about. Then I told her to ask her mother about pre-ejaculate.
Then I got branded a REALLY dirty kid for actually knowing the score and got called into the office for this, even though it really was all book learning.
I'm being serious. Congrats. Your tiara is forthcoming. (And no, Tink, I did not say forthcumming)
http://open.salon.com/blog/gracielou/2009/06/04/mama_aint_raising_no_grandbabiesa_repost_of_sorts
I see you're from Atlanta. Hell yeah. At least our daughters won't be teen pregnancy stats in Georgia.
A lot of mixed feelings amongst several of us. We know it is only a matter of time before the little girl either starts talking or other kids start asking. I'm at least hoping that we can hold off at least another year or two.
But this article and several of the comments below are going in my "keep on file" pile. I am taking notes!
Thank you!
:)
(Btw Did you know that if the girl douches with coca-cola right after sex she can't get pregnant? It seems the man's sperm eggs can't survive the carbonation)
We're pretty much willing to answer anything, and the questions from the question box almost invariably contain some version of the misinformation your daughter was hearing. And we begin and end with warnings about the "Jenny's" out there who will misinform them.
By the way, we teach at rural public school in a very conservative community, and we send letters home every year informing parents that we will make alternate arrangements for their kids if they do not want them to participate. Only about one in 50 parents ask that the kids be excused.
Wish my folks had done more than read from an encyclopedia when they had that talk with me. I had to settle for on the job training.
My parent's couldn't have The Talk with me. It was more than they could handle. My mom gave me a book about menstruation and my question was, "So where does it come out?" Great little book, that one. Thank heaven for Sex-Ed, the one class in my school that wasn't taught by a nun.
It sounds like the issue is not about the physical part of sex, but the emotional, relationship part. Studies show that girls who develop early tend to have low esteem because a) they stick out in an uncomfortable way, b) get a lot of attention from old boys, c) those boys are losers who can't connect with girls their own age, d) when they get older (age 12 or so) the other girls have caught up, body wise, and they get ignored by the good boys because they have reps, low self-esteem and haven't developed a personality. So, your daughter is doing fine. Consider the friend to be like a good teen romance, in that the other girls are living vicariously through her and learning the pitfalls. Now, I wouldn't let her go to a sleepover or anything....
That said, and this may be what you present here, you seem to be going a bit overboard with the lessons about the straight path. What will help you daughter is being a kid; playing a sport, spending time with friends, and the like. She needs to celebrate who she is as a person, and have confidence, to follow her own mind. There is a fine line between answering questions and having books, movies and information available (good) and pushing good-for-you media on her (bad).
It sounds like you kid is in a good position, and a large part of that success is you. Many kids do not ask questions (I didn't) or stop; your daughter seems comfortable. Now, the hard part is going to be when she wisely and confidently chooses to make the mistakes that come with life regardless of what our head says. She'll be fine.
@Noah - Don't feel bad. When I was a kid I never put the sex and pregnancy together. I just thought a woman woke up and *poof* she was pregnant.
In any case, good luck with your own daughter.
BTW-This kid is very fortunate to have a mother who is at once intelligent and unafraid to tell her the truth.
It is the parents who are the opposite who exacerbate the various problems kids have growing up or avoiding having to grow up.
I applaud you, Mom.
What little advice I have to give on junior high girls I blogged here:
http://open.salon.com/blog/dontblamegrima/2009/06/25/shes_in_junior_high--lord_save_us_all
Clearly I was convincing, because one day he asked me, "What's a blow job?"
Trying to hide how uncomfortable I was, I answered him as honestly and as calmly as I could muster. He seemed satified with my answer, and it never came up again.
Until a few years later when my daughter asked me, having heard the reports about Clinton and Monica, "What's a BJ?"
Being the good parent/asshole that I remain, I replied, "Ask your brother."