The AtHome Pilgrim

Musings at a Slower Pace


Philly area, Pennsylvania, USA
"Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita," I find myself still asking some of the same questions I did when I was just a punk kid. The Big Things confuse me. Fortunately, though, many little things delight and amuse me, and some Big Things--my wife, our kids, our bird and bunny visitors, food, baseball--make me very, very happy. In my pilgrimage, I try to be guided by the wisdom of dear old Auntie Mame: "Life is a banquet!"


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MARCH 16, 2012 7:39AM

Friday List: 25 Things You’ll Never Hear or See in Ads

Rate: 21 Flag

1.         In a commercial from Big Pharma: “May cause comic side effects. 

2.         In a campaign commercial: “You’ll always know where I stand—right in the pockets of Big Oil!” 

3.         In a commercial for a movie sequel: “What the critic really said was, ‘If you loved the first two duds in this series, you’ll love this turkey.’” 

4.         In an ad for a thriller novel: “What the critic really said was, ‘I was terrified he’d write another book, and I was right.’”  

5.         In a spot for a classic rock radio station: “Thank God you’re still listening to this crap!” 

6.         In a commercial for a reality TV show: “What is it? You don’t have a life?” 

7.         In a commercial for local TV news: “Trust us. You don’t really want to know what’s going on.” 

8.         In an ad for a software company: “We don’t see you as a person, we see you as data we can sell.” 

9.         In an ad for a certain software company: “What do you see when you Google sucker?” 

10.       In an ad for a certain software company: “We open the world to you—until we go blue screen.” 

11.       In an ad for a certain software company: “You might as well face it, you’re addicted to us.” 

12.       In a commercial for an automaker: “’Cuz your daddy’s was better made than this one.” 

13.       In a commercial for a certain automaker: “Brake problems? You don’t care about brake problems! Look at how stylish this car is!” 

14.       In a commercial for a lite beer: “More water than the average lite beer!” 

15.       In a commercial for a regular beer: “For when you really want to get drunk.” 

16.       In an ad for a hard liquor: “For when you want to get hammered.” 

17.       In a commercial for a jewelry company: “’Cuz that’s the only way you’re going to get a kiss, dude.” 

18.       In a cereal ad: “It’s an irrelevant part of a nutritious breakfast.” 

19.       In a fast-food commercial: “We name every animal Angus just before we slaughter it.” 

20.       In a donut company commercial: “Course, you’d be better off if you began with a walk.” 

21.       In a commercial for a snack food: “That’s right—0 trans fats! 0 nutritional value, too!” 

22.       In an ad for a meatpacking company: “Fillers means blood, bone, gristle, stale pet food, recycled paper, unsold mulch, and the occasional clumsy worker.” 

23.       In a commercial for an investment company: “We like to play with your money.” 

24.       In an ad for a bank: “We don’t think of you as our customer, we think of you as our personal ATM. 

25.       In an ad for a rival bank: “We’re the rainbow. You’re the pot of gold.” 

Contributions are welcome.  


Words © 2012 AtHome Pilgrim. 

All Rights Reserved.  

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It's to early to think of any to add BUT thanks for the early morning laugh!
For any cable or satellite TV company---"Surprise! We ALL Suck!"
One of the funniest things I've read in ages!
good ones!

ad for a certain seafood restaurant chain "The Dead Lobster."
7, 19 and 22 made me fall off my chair! Very funny.

At the beginning of every commercial: "Please don't hit fast for.... goddamnit."
An ad for the NCAA Basketball Tournament on TV: We know it's only a game, but if we can convince you that it really matters if Acorn A & T beats the Allegheny Alligators, then maybe you'll also believe our commercials.
Love the last one the most. Actually, love isn't the right word.
Love #6 & #7. Oh, so true! Thanks for the laugh!

Brilliant! From Lexus: It parks itself, but you'll never be able to drive out of the space.

oatmeal ad "eat this with your morning cup of coffee and "run" to the closest bathroom. Pun intended."
When I read #1 I thought of the following ad you will never see from an oil company - "May cause Cosmic side-effects." Or maybe even "Karmic side-effects!" Great fun!!! A delicious end to the week!!
#22 is going to make me forego meat, too! please, stop!!!
Did you hook up an ad man to a polygraph?
maybe i'm just in a really weird mood (what else is new?), but this made me sad. i'll read it again in a day or two and see if i've gotten over myself. xoxo
A riff on Monty Python's review of Australian Table Wines? "This is a bottle with a message in it and the message is BEWARE".
Lovely everyone....Bravo!
.........(¯`v´¯) (¯`v´¯)
............... *•.¸.•* ♥⋆★•❥ Thanx & Smiles (ツ) & ♥ L☼√Ξ ☼ ♥
⋆───★•❥ ☼ .¸¸.•*`*•.♥
Great list, but there's one more. For a prescription drug - "Don't worry, the side effects from taking this will make you forget all about your condition".
Why can't advertising really be like this? I might pay attention.
An ad for Chevrolet Corvette:

"Keep in mind that you'll go fast but your chances of hooking up are zilch. You missed your best chance when you couldn't afford to by a Corvette."
Like your first comment and quite timely for me.