I've been mute for awhile now, held hostage somewhere in my soul by the circumstances that have become my life.  Once upon a time I had a normal life, willingly fettered by a family of children, pets, and parents, with a house in the 'burbs, a modest mortgage, and the expectation of retiring some day with the hope of pursuing all those interests I dabbled in but failed to pursue as Life got in the way.

I've also had a Big Life surrounded by the things I loved, and the people I loved; traveling in certain circles where recognition offered some nice perks like vacations on yachts, trips to wonderful places, and a social life that kept my weekends occupied. The operative word there would be 'had' because as time passed, I shed many of the relationships, and some of the jobs, that provided these fringe elements in my life.

The Big Life requires commitment to materialism. The right dress and accessories, the right list of friends to invite to a charity event, the right connections to advance ambitions, the right clients to enhance the bottom line.  There is a not so subtle emphasis on acquisition whether it's a house in a particular neighborhood, or a certain brand of car and clothing.

It didn't take long for me to discover I am somewhat of an aesthete, desirous of a few comforts, and wanting to live a Small Life in a nourishing way with the freedom to choose my pleasures sparingly.  It suits me.

The phrase 'be careful what you wish for' has tripped off the end of my tongue in so many scenarios, moments of gratification, and moments of uncertainty.  I have wished for a simple life in a cabin on a beautiful body of water.  I have wished for less 'stuff' in my life - emotional and physical.  I have wished for love, and acceptance, a sense of security, and peace.

Did I anticipate bankruptcy when my voice called into the darkness for simplicity?  When I landed in Connecticut for a year, was it foreseeable that the job would end in two months, sending me to another town where I lived in a cabin on a pond? Should I have imagined unemployment when I yearned for some unstructured time in my life? I can say with certainty, absolutely not.

Now, very cautiously and in a considered way, I ask for unlimited horizons, for fulfillment, and for opportunities to be as much as I can be, and am ready to accept the circumstances of having my wish granted... even if it encompasses 'less than' circumstances because, in the end, I'd like a meaningful life. 

Is it possible to have a Meaningful Life while wishing for a Good Life?  I sure hope so. I miss normal.