"Being single is pretty good. It's a nice sense of irresponsibility."

~ Michael Douglas

 _{^{My daughter, skipping solo across the Moeraki Boulders, NZ - 2010}}

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^{I was perusing Sunday afternoon and into the early evening, apparently in a contemplative mood, because I was struck by this invitation...}

^{"I invite you open callers to reflect ... on your feelings of love, friendship, loss and rejection".    ~Oryoki Bowl}

^{I read her most recent post and had some thoughts of my own, some of which made it into this response to her open call on love...}

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In a story of infidelity, JD Smith spoke about sexual betrayal and one crass individual who produced a list of his office conquests, including one of JD's married friends. Later, as she shamefully apologizes for her indiscretion and plans to tell her husband, I returned to the days, then years, of my own marriage, thankful I never had to have that discussion with my own long ago spouse. 

I can hear Sinatra crooning, "Regrets?..I've had a few", and I surely know one of mine is that I wish I had held out for the kind of love where that question - infidelity - just never comes up. For two reasons. I cheated myself, and I cheated our children.

I knew it then, the moment we married. We didn't share the kind of love we needed to have before making vows of marriage. We married b/c we didn't want to be alone, still two singletons several years out of college. We were uncommonly fond of each other, happy in one another's company, we had common interests, rarely argued, and we were simpatico - the two of us.

There was philia between us, a brotherly love of friendship, best friends, and the sense of comforting fellowship that's part of being with someone you enjoy. Of course, philia is wonderful but it's not reliable, held captive by the sifting sands of situations, perceptions and expectations.  Everyone has had friendships that waned or were severed because of time, distance, harsh words, hurtful actions, etc.

He and I, we didn't have the sexuality or intimacy of eros or the selflessness of agape.  Two children later, the love of a family surrounded us but as time wore on, this storge was not enough to sustain a partnership. 

I had no business standing up with another person in marriage knowing, and I did, that we didn't share an inclusive, spiritually connected love. Love in spite of, not just because of. Love in the ancient sense, a bond of agape that is marked by an ardent intention to be the best and to want the best for one another in all things, above all things. 

Infidelity doesn't take root in the loam of this type of love. Even when the winds of reality beat down, intention rules the day. Storms can take this love to a deeper, stronger place.

I've been fortunate to see agape in marriages I've known over the years. Not every celebrated marriage has this kind of foundation - some people are just really stubborn - but where agape exists, it will run off thoughts of destructive acts that will take a marriage apart. 

Mistaken love can leave the soft underbelly of marriage exposed, giving the disenchantments, resentments, and frustrations that occur in all relationships a chance to grab hold, then work like acid and rust, eating away at the one-time feelings of closeness we thought would take us all the way.

I think I'll always regret my half baked decision to marry without the necessary kind of love. I would have liked to have given my children the gift of confidence in love, and security in knowing love can last.  Having lived without agape in my life, I'm aware my outlook and attitudes have been harshly influenced at times.  Relationships have run a predictable course, ending in the usual tears. Cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it was the lesson they learned from me.

Of course, on the flip side, there are other things to consider...

"In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it."     ~anonymous

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^{Author's note - I recognize marriage as a spiritual union and make no assumptions about its legal requirements and limitations under the law, as they currently stand. I hope people in the GLBT community will read and share their experiences as well.} 

_{Words and photo by Gabby Abby - All Rights Reserved, March 2011}