12 Things I Could Really Live Without

1. The Irish.  I've had it with the so-called "Irish." That ridiculous accent. That phony red hair. The terrible whiskey. The fatuous writers. The IRA. U2. Shamrocks. Leprechauns. Pierce Brosnan. Father Ted. The next time I want to visit someone cute, funny and talented, I'm heading to Bosnia. 

2. The News.  All “News.”  It’s either irrelevant or depressing, or both. I think we should go back to the “siren” method of news dissemination:  if you hear a siren — go to your basement. Otherwise, just chill and eat pizza.  Another siren will tell you when the hurricane, tornado, biker gang, Jehovah’s Witness,  etc. has passed.

3. Child Prodigies.  Great. More proof that I suck.  I do, however, like the prodigies  who are really good at chess, or playing the bagpipes  or sautéing turnips, or whatever they do, but then they are also really deficient at something else.  Like they still poop in their pants.  That seems fair.

4. Olympic Silver Medalists.  I don’t know how to feel about them. They make me feel weird — am I happy or sad? Are they happy or sad? On the one hand, they are amazing athletes. On the other hand, they are big losers. I’m glad there are no Olympic medalists in my apartment building.  They must be disappointed, right? No one is ever  trying for a silver.   I think the silver medallists are not happy because they keep coming back every Olympics to try to get the “real” medal.  When I hear the phrase, “Three time silver medalist,” I get really depressed.  I don’t even want to hear about the bronze medalists.  I don’t even think they keep those bronze medals. They probably pawn them after a few years for crack.

5. Fiddle Players.  Everybody loves fiddle players. They look so happy and everyone loves them automatically, and they can start a dance party or call up a reel or a dance a jig  whenever they want. They never get kidnapped or murdered or  anything — because they can just start playing the fiddle and everyone starts to laugh and smile and everyone puts down their guns and opens all the cell doors. I hate them.

6. Vegans. I don’t want to get into it. It seems like you either are a Vegan, or you find them annoying. Some of us are working on become more 'Vegan Tolerant,' but it’s hard.  Really hard. Every minute with a Vegan is like ten years of Catholic school, only without the molesting.

7. Optimists. God, leave me alone! Can’t you see I’m perfectly happy like this? Being annoyed and complaining and looking on the “dark side” make me happy! I find your Pollyanna perspective tiring and naive, but I don’t go around trying to change you, do I? I know it’s hopeless anyway, so I give it a rest. Why can't you be more like me?

8. Bathroom Mirrors That Are Directly Across From the Toilet. Where am I, in jail? Who thought of this?  “Oh, it makes the room look bigger.”  Not if I have to close my eyes to keep from watching myself take a wizz!  And why is that so embarrassing, anyway? It’s just me in there.  I know who I am.  “Oh, excuse me, I’m peeing!”  "Yeah, I know, it’s me too, watching.”  “Oh I know! This is so weird!”

9. Plastic Surgery Perfectionists.  These are people who were already pretty darn good looking, but then, just to rub it in, they go and have plastic surgery so that they are absolutely perfect. There’s a silent accusation in all that perfectness that says, “Look at you, you sad, average-faced chubby human! If you weren’t so lazy and poor, you wouldn’t have to stay so unattractive.”  Well, I’m just counting the years here, because one of these days I’m going to look like a perfectly normal wrinkly 80-year-old woman, and all around me are going to be these weird, misshapen, lumpy, scarred-up people with breasts on their backs and fat in their ears and pec implants on top of their heads.  Then who’s going to laugh, eh? One of these days, Alice, one of these days!

10. People who always arrive early. God, look at ‘em over there, all early and smug. So pleased with themselves and their earliness, all cool and collected. Look at the pitying looks they give the late people who come in all flustered and rushed, with their hair in a tussle and chips flying out of their pockets. Well, listen up, you early birds, some of us don’t want worms, all right? Some of us are living life to the fullest and maximizing every minute we have on this earth to live and love and eat chips!   Some of us see showing up a half an hour early to be a tremendous waste of time and sign that somebody in the room has no life. You can keep your silly old worms. Nobody wants ‘em but you, anyway, so there!

 Bonus Irritant:

  11. Love Stamps.  Sometimes, I don’t feel the love. Sometimes, when I’m sending a check to Citibank for example, I really wish I had a  “F@ck You” stamp.  Maybe with  a picture of a nice fat middle finger on it.