Thousands Stranded as Rhode Island Enacts Tough Immigration Laws

In a surprise move that shocked the White House, the  state of Rhode Island passed the toughest immigration laws in the nation late Thursday night.  Not only has Rhode Island  made it a felony under state law to be in the United States illegally, but the Ocean State has also decided to crack down on United States citizens from other states as well.

“We are tired of being ignored, overlooked, and overshadowed by bigger states that hog the spotlight -- states like Arizona, Alaska, Texas, New York, New Jersey, New Hampshire, Vermont, Connecticut, Delaware  . . . well, all the other states actually,” said Rhode Island Governor Don Carcieri,  in a speech announcing the new laws."So they can keep the spotlight, and we'll keep Rhode Island."

DHS immigration officials estimate the Rhode Island has approximately 67 illegal immigrants in the state, but the majority of these undocumented people seem to be on day trips from New York City.

“Oh, no, I would never live here,” says Esmerelda Fausto, 54, an undocumented laundry worker from Guatemala. “I just wanted to come out to Newport and see the mansions. That Vanderbilt house is fantastic.”  Esmerelda lives and works in Brooklyn, New York. “One of my cousins tried to live in Rhode Island, but it was too boring. There’s a reason we left Guatemala, you know.”

“We don’t want these people here,” says Ron McInerny, the spokesman for Rhode Islanders For Rights And Freedom (RIF-RAF). “These people, whether they’re from Mexico, the Ukraine, or Kentucky– they just don’t appreciate Rhode Island, they make fun of Warwick, they erode our highways, use our water, pollute our air – and in an hour and a half, they’re gone – and spending money in Fallbrook or Mystic.” 

Under the new laws, the strictest in the nation, only existing legal residents of Rhode Island can live, work, shop or study in Rhode Island, and no new residents, or tourists, will be admitted. 

In a move that surprised many residents of nearby Massachusetts and Connecticut, a 20-foot-high steel wall was erected overnight around the entire state, with Interstate I-95 being the only remaining legal border crossing. Temporary two-hour transit visas are being issued to allow travelers on I-95 to traverse the state, but no stopping is allowed, and the price is steep, $1500 per person.

President Obama, speaking from the Presidential limo in line at the I-95 border checkpoint near Pawtucket, Rhode Island, said only that he was  “Disappointed that we can’t all work together to solve our problems” and also that he thinks the $1500 per person is too expensive. “We’ve got to work to bring these cost on things we shouldn’t have to pay for down,” he said, while playing NCAA Basketball ’09 on the presidential Xbox.

 Singing the state song, “Rhode Island, It’s for Me” Rhode Island immigration officials today began a door-to-door status check of all one million Rhode Island residents – and those with out-of-state drivers' licenses, green cards, or even just a “sarcastic look on their faces” are being taken to Block Island for eventual deportation.

The state has already sent 37 people to the tiny island, where The 1661 Inn & Hotel Manisses has been converted into a detention center.  Deportees can enjoy a free breakfast and a relaxing soak in the whirlpool tub while awaiting flights to Boston or New Haven.

“It’s actually pretty cool, getting deported,” says Dominic Testa, 22, a University of Rhode Island student from New Bedford, Massachusetts, who was picked up outside of the Pizza Pie-er in Providence, RI. “I’ve got finals coming up, and this is the excuse I was looking for. Maybe now I can just drop out altogether.”

Eventually, Governor Carcieri says he plans to completely close the borders. “We hope that travelers will just learn to go around. Frankly, highway maintenance is a big chore.”  When asked if he would allow current Rhode Island residents to leave the state if they wished, the governor replied, “Well, maybe, I’ll think about it. I mean, we’re not the Soviet Union here after all. I think.”

Rhode Island is also looking to crack down on other groups it sees as causing problems in the state: namely women and the elderly. “For one thing, we have too many women here already – 52% of the population is women,” said Gov. Carcieri.  “They’re taking all the jobs, they work for less wages – Rhode Island needs them out of here.”

Old people are also on the governor’s short list, “Frankly, old people are just boring and I don’t like them. That’s all I have to say about that.”