Why are all the cars named after something stupid?
“ When did we run out of good names for cars? I remember when cars were named after real things, things you could see, like animals: The Mustang, the Cougar, the Barracuda, the Pinto . . . well, I’m not so sure about the Pinto -- could’ve been the horse, could’ve been the bean.”
You know, I live in Los Angeles, and so, of course, I get stuck in traffic all the time, like every day, like every five minutes. And the most irritating thing about it is that it is always my fault. Always. After six years, I really should know better by now. The problem is -- I never leave the house early enough.
Like today, I should have known that if I didn’t want to get stuck in traffic, I needed to leave in the Spring of ‘75. I was just having a little trouble with my car, you know? The time machine button on the DeLorean wasn’t working right.
And today, the whole time I’m stuck in traffic, I’m stuck behind this Chevy Avalanche. An Avalanche. What a terrible name for a car! An “avalanche” is a bad thing, isn't it? As in, “Run for your lives, here comes an avalanche!”
Who wants to drive an Avalanche anyway? Who does this rolling disaster appeal to? And how do you test drive this thing -- take it up to the top of a mountain, put in a neutral and just let ‘er rip? (“Ok, kids, buckle up! We’re gonna to see what this avalanche can do! I think we can take out the whole village!”)
I hope they don’t come up with any more disaster names for cars like the Kia Cholera, or the Chrysler Chapter 11. Or the Toyota Toyota.
I mean, what ever happened to car names? When did we run out of good names for cars? I remember when cars were named after real things, things you could see, like animals: The Mustang, the Cougar, the Barracuda, the Pinto . . . well, I’m not so sure about the Pinto -- could’ve been the horse, could’ve been the bean.
But now, cars are named after things that don’t even exist, things you
can’t even see, like moods and emotions, like the Esteem or the
Aspire. (“Gee, I really hope I can be your car someday!”)
Or the Mirage. You go out in the parking lot and you’re like, “Hey, is that my car over there . . .no, it’s over there now. . . come on kids, bring the water!”
What are they going to think of next, the new “Honda Ambivalent?” (“Uh, I don’t really know if I want this car”) Or maybe the “Ford Melancholy?” (“It’s kinda blue!”)
But the worst name of all time has to be the Sportage. What does Sportage mean anyway.. is that a noun or a verb or what? I think it’s just a word that some advertising executive made up because that’s the way he talks: "Hey dude, wanna shoot some hoopage, go to the barrage, pick up some babebage, if she’s got baggage it will fit in the Sportage with the Luggage!"TIP:
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Doug Socks
Carrie Bennett
Maria Scrivan
GeeBee
Nelle Engoron
john blumenthal
Salon.com
Comments
Wish I could remember which comedian commented on the Ford Probe: Nothing like a name that makes you think of a rectal exam.
Rated, 'cause you're funny!
if I didn’t want to get stuck in traffic, I needed to leave in the Spring of ‘75"
Love this post.
R
“Ford Melancholy?” (“It’s kinda blue!”). HILARIOUS! R
I think most products are thought up by focus groups.
Except the Ford Focus.
R.
Funny article.
Has one ever been named "Zephyr"? That would actually be a good name.
Maybe we should name a compact a "Portage" - you can get out and carry it over rough roads.
And anyone who drives an "Esteem" obviously has none.
Yes, it aspires to be a car.
Phoenix Caridad
April 28, 2010 10:23 AM
Lincoln used to have the Zephyr name back in the 30's.
There was also a Mercury Zephyr in the 70's.
Is is now being used under teh Licoln brand today.
r
R
The Toyota Miley, the Subaru Lohan, the Ford Limbaugh, etc.
My two favorite cars ever were my 1974 doodie brown Dodge Dart and my 1971 VW Beetle. They were exactly those things, a beetle and dart. My Honda Civics, nice cars, civic enough, yawn. Current car is a robin's egg blue Mini, which it surely is, mini. No one asks me to drive these days. Sweet.
However, if it had been a Nuance...
3
5
6
7
RX8
9
and coming soon: 2
Seems to me Mazda is missing a 4.
(See my post from a few months ago on selling one of the worst vehicles of all times--the Pontiac Aztec)
And since you picked on the Sportage from Kia--consider the newest Kia, the Forte. Do they want it to be loud? Make it bigger and give it flowmasters and call it the Fortisimo?