Brought to you as a free (FREE!) service by the Society of Social Darwinists for a Compassionate Conservative Government.

 

 

First, there is no such thing as poverty. Just get that myth out of your head right now! If you really, really, have nothing to your name, it's called "homesteading" and you should be proud to be part of such a great American tradition!

Secondly, you should keep in mind that, generally speaking, you will never, ever, ever, be so bad off that you actually deserve to accept public assistance.  If you still think you might deserve to be "on welfare," and so bring untold heaps of shame upon your family,  take this short quiz to make sure:

1. Do you pay any state, federal or local taxes?

a. if Yes, see question 3.

b. if No, go to next question.

2. If you pay no taxes, is this because:

a. you live totally and completely in an underground, black-market economy with no fixed address, property or identity, and you complete all of your transactions through barter and cash, never dealing in any way with The Man, Society, or the Establishment?

b. OK then, I guess I do pay some taxes.

3. How much, in dollars, have you paid in taxes during your lifetime: 

a. less than Mitt Romney?

b. or more than Mitt Romney?

The correct answer here is "b." Only those people who have really, really contributed to our system deserve the benefit of those tax dollars in the form of roads, schools, water systems, electricity, air-traffic controllers, military and police protection, farm subsidies, clean air, etc., etc.  If you pay less taxes than Mitt Romney, you are just free-loading on the system, and do not deserve public assistance.

4. What is the purpose of Government?

a. A method of collectively and voluntarily organizing a society in order to pool resources and so make living conditions better for all people in terms of health, wealth and overall happiness.  

b. An obstacle to a natural Darwinian free-for-all where the strong prosper and the weak build pyramids.

Both answers are wrong. Government exists to funnel and concentrate the scattered offerings of a feudal society into the larders of the wealthy.

4. If you still think you deserve free food from the government  -- have you exhausted all other opportunities for free nourishment including:

a. roadkill,
b. trapping pigeons, mice, snakes and insects,
c. digging through the garbage,
d. scavenging, 
e. fishing,
f. gathering nuts and mushrooms in the forest. Some mushrooms are poisonous. Be careful.
g. keeping chickens illegally,
h. gleaning, or
i. nothing.  I have done nothing to supplement my food resources and therefore do not deserve a public handout.

HINT: (FREE!) Watching where wildlife such as crows, vultures, seagulls and pigeons gather may help you to locate food. Keep on eye on hawks and other birds of prey -- sometimes they drop tasty morsels! You'll have to out-compete the ravens, though. Think fast! If you live in an area where wolves have been introduced, follow them to their kill and eat the scraps. Since the Federal Government re-introduced wolves into our National Forests, you can think of this as federally provided (free!) food if you would like.

5. If you think you still deserve public assistance from the government  -- have you exhausted all other opportunities for  income including:

 (Please note this list is not exhaustive -- there are many, many options available for those who are out-of work!)

a. joining the Army (age limits do apply)

b. becoming a bounty hunter,
c. selling your organs on the black market,
d. selling your body directly by selling your blood, eggs, and/or sperm,
e. selling your body indirectly through prostitution,
f.  selling any and all of your meager possessions,
g. renting out your womb,
h. becoming a concubine,
i. dealing drugs.
j. None-of these. 

 

You really haven't tried very hard to find work and money, have you?

5a. BONUS QUESTION:

Which profession listed above is win-win for people without a lot of resources? Drug dealing, of course!  If you are a success at it, you will undoubtedly make a lot of money during your short life.  But if you fail at it, you will either be killed (FREE!) or go to prison and get  shelter, food, health care and even a college education.  It's a win-win-win!

6. If you are homeless, have you exhausted all avenues of potential shelter?  Before you cry to the government for help, you should consider:

a. caves,
b. living in your car,
c. Slab City,
d. a dumpster,
e. a tent in the (Free!) National Forest,
f. a "sod" house like the one in "Little House on the Prairie."
g. Just not having a house at all. Think of all the money you'll save!

7. Are you concerned about your living conditions because you have children with you?  Well, first, we applaud you for not using birth control or resorting to an abortion, but really, what were you thinking? You must have known before you had the children that you were not a rich person. And to keep them was even more irresponsible. The poor are not allowed  to have sex, you must have known that. Nonetheless, here are some options for the poor with children:

a. Give them away. It's never too late. Well, after age 18 it might be too late, but other than that, it's never too late!
b. Put them too work gathering food and working. See above #s 4 and 5.


8. Are you concerned about the state of your health? Well don't be. Your life is hard, why would you want to prolong it? Death will bring you sweet relief.

9. Are you worried about education for yourself or your children? See above. Neither they nor you will ever need it.

10. Are you worried about being homeless?  Have you ever considered the benefits of homelessness? You already know about the freedom, the lack of responsibilities, the intoxicating daily mix of danger and adventure, but have you considered this:

When you are homeless --  any money you make, every dollar you earn, every penny you find  -- it's all net.

Think about that. That's freedom. That's America.