Sometimes I want a baby in a vague way, sort of like an old hockey injury that aches when it rains.  Sometimes I want a baby in a sharp and immediate way, like a knife between the ribs.

I can’t have one myself.  Something is wrong with me, and I also have antibodies to my husband’s sperm.  I went through the infertility tests and one IVF cycle (done in China, without anesthesia) and the cycle was not successful.  The antibody issue came up after that, and they couldn’t resolve it here in China so the doctor suggested that I not try IVF again (at least not here).  

After that unsuccessful IVF round, I went through stages of anger, depression.

My husband even bought me a special chair to sit in when I was getting ready for the IVF run and I though it was so cute --- he was nesting!   I used to dream that I was sitting in that chair, heavily pregnant… I could literally feel the round hardness of my huge stomach, with the baby moving inside--- it was so real--- and there would be such an upwelling of love and peace that I’d wake up in tears.

Then after I lost the embryos and quit IVF, I spent a period of time being angry at myself, and angry whenever I’d see a pregnant woman on the street.  Especially if she looked tired or complain-y, I always wanted to shout at her, DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE?  

The US Consulate in Guangzhou used to process all the adoptions from China to the US, and there would be “tour groups” of US citizens staying at a local hotel while they finished up the 10 days of in-country paperwork and bonded with their new baby or child.  Our corporate account used to be at that hotel so I’d be there a lot, having dinner with customers or checking them in or out of the hotel.  I spent a lot of evenings with customers in the hotel restaurant while at the next table would be an American couple or family with a newly adopted Chinese baby in their arms or in a stroller by the table.  It was hard to hold back the tears, especially when I’d see the baby snuggling with its new parents.  I’m a little teary even now and this was all of 10 years ago.

I am still resentful when I look at the battery of suitability and readiness proofs an adopting couple has to go through before they can qualify--- it is so unfair--- if only I had a set of working equipment on board I could have a baby without reams of documentation and home studies and waiting.  If they don’t require all those documents for people to conceive a baby, why do they make it so hard to adopt one?

I always imagined myself with a baby girl.  Not that little boys aren’t wonderful, but whenever I have dreamed of having a child it was always a girl.  I used to dream all the time that I didn’t work outside, that I stayed home with my little girl, that I would buy her clothes and give her baths… things every mother does, and I hope they don’t take it for granted.

So as of now I still don’t have a daughter, and at nearly 39 I have gotten used to it.  I don’t know if I ever will have one by adoption or not, but I do know that if I found myself pregnant after all these years (sometimes it happens!) I would be the happiest person on earth.