I've been thinking about my Mom, a lot. She died of, well, 2 heart attaches after surgery for a huge hernia.

She and my Father were married almost fifteen years. My father left "us" for another woman. My Mother never got over it. She became bitter. She stopped taking care of herself. I know she was stressed ALL the time. Taking care of three kids, on her own. No money, no job. The last thing my Dad said to her, per my Mothers words. "Now maybe you'll get off your fat ass and get a job". I do not pretend to know about their marriage. All I know is what my Mom told me. True OR not.

My Dad played the bass in many different types of bands. My Mom thought he had many "dates" before leaving us for "his high school sweetheart". I’ve never asked my Dad and I don’t really care. It’s done.

I was born in Texas. That's where my Mom and Dad met. He was in the Air force. Away from home for the first time.

They met, dated, got a marriage license..kept it a secret. On the last day the license was good, they went to the court house and got married...but kept it a secret.

I always wondered why.

Mom got pregnant so the secret had to come out.

Dad was discharged from the Air force and went back to California. My Mom, pregnant with me, stayed in Texas. Dad wanted to get a job and a house before bring us to California. Well, Mom had complications during the pregnancy, so I was born several weeks early. My Granny called my Grandparents(Dad's folks) to let Dad know I was here, Mom was sick but so far we were alive. Dad was out so she left a message with my grandparents.

Mom and I moved to California when I was five months old. This was the first time my Father saw me. My Grandparents sent the money for our plane ticket. During this time my Dad was a life guard at a local swimming pool and attending college. They lived with his Folks for awhile. My Mom hated it. They had no privacy. They slept in the dining room.

My Mom always felt alone, an outsider. My grandfather wasn't always an easy person to be around. He could be very critical. But I think my Mom's low self esteem contributed a lot to her feeling the way she did.

Anyway, two more kids, many fights and Dad staying out late on weekends, and who knows what else, destroyed the marriage. I always wondered if Dad ever REALLY loved my Mom OR was it a case of him being far away from home and family.

I'm going to put in my two cents:  I think my Dad felt trapped.  Here he  was, a kid of 22 years. Away from home for the first time. He meets a girl who likes him.  They think it's love.  They get married and now she's pregnant.

Personally, I think that theory is correct.  I see so many red flags.  Why didn't she?

I remember one night/early morning, my Mom woke me and said she was going to look for my Dad. I had to sit in a chair in the livingroom while she was gone. I was fourteen. I don't remember much after that morning. My Dad left and my Mom dropped so low it scared me.

I kind of took charge of my Sister. She was 6 years old.

My Brother, so desperate for our Dads approval, began to "follow" my Step Brothers path. Though, I’m sure that’s not how Dad and his Wife see it. But I know what really happened.

We all drifted a part.

My Sister now is so wrapped up in "status. She always complains, and always has, about how she has to do EVERYTHING. Though, when she was young, she did very little. It was me who did for her and my Mom.

My Brother is lost. He got into drugs. I pretty sure he is now clean but he works a demeaning job for a boss who takes advantage of him.

The only thing I am sure of is , OUR lives were changed. None of us were ever the same.