There are only three rules for my four children: always tell the truth; think about others; and, be brave.  Over the years I’ve found these three rules will cover just about anything that comes up. 

I’m pretty sure I’m about to throw the first one out the window.  You see, my children are pathologically honest with me, and as three of them are either through or in the throes of puberty, I’m almost positive I don’t want to talk to them or answer their questions anymore if they’re going to insist on being this honest.

We had all the checklist good parent/child conversations when they were age-appropriate.  STD’s. condoms.  Emotional attachments.  Respecting yourself and your partners.  I was the queen of responsible honest communications.  But then they wanted to respond in kind.

It started with my oldest, my son, Tyler.  He’s always been a little bit disappointed when he can’t shock me.  I love my oversized, gangling boy, I really do.  I was fine with his being bi.  I was fine with his romancing both genders at once as long as everyone knew.  But then the (non-theoretical) sex questions started.  Yes, gently cupping balls during fellatio is always a good move; don’t know what to do with the female sex during the same sort of foreplay? I broke down and explained the alphabet and ice cream cone tricks.  When he complained about how uncomfortable condoms were, I made an educated guess and made sure that he knew there were different sizes; he’s been an enthusiastic magnum customer ever since.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA! 

(this is what I sing when I put my fingers in my ears).

The oldest darling daughter doesn’t ask for technical assistance – she just wants long, involved, no holds barred conversations on why dating the older man with a child (legally separated from his wife) might not work out.   And why she was attracted to the transgendered girl who was presenting and fully dressing as a boy at college (the logistics on that were amazing).  And why giving endless hand/other jobs as a way to avoid having to go on daily birth control isn’t really that good an idea.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA! 

(this is what I sing when I put my fingers in my ears).

I know I should be touched, right?  I know that we all think that we want our children to come to us with anything that they may be curious about or troubled by; but really, I have to tell you – not so much.

But ok, oldest two are out and living fairly productively on their own; four year old wonder boy has declared that he will marry me when he has a job and a house; and ten year old Lucie, the Charming Demon Child is living with her father this year attending the strictest of British schools and is nannied up to the ears – looks like I might just have a bit of quiet space in which I could breathe.

(emergency call from LTCDC last Thursday)

Mommy!  I have to ask you something but Daddy is right here!  I have to talk to you (in a loud whisper) it’s about S.E.X. (spelling it out, so her father with two graduate degrees can’t possibly understand).

Ok, Lucie, go in the bathroom and run the water and talk to me.

(sound of running water and a bathroom fan)

Moooommy!  (loud whisper) S.E. X. (apparently confident that I can spell).  You can’t tell daddy, he’ll lock me in a room forever!!!!

(I’m starting to get worried at this point).  Ok, Lucie, what about (loud whisper) S.E.X.?

I’ve been having these dreams!  These crazy (well, you get the idea) S.E.X. dreams!

Who’s in the dreams?

Well, I am.   I am in these dreams!

Ok, anyone else?

A wild teenage NAKED boy!

Is it anyone you know?

No, I don’t know him, but he looks like Charlie!

(I should probably explain here, that since she could barely walk, Lucie has adored ‘charlie and the chocolate factory’.  Charlie was the name of her favourite teddy, imaginary friend, pretend boyfriend, so, fair enough that its Charlie as the ‘wild teenage NAKED boy’.  I’ve explained to her that he is now a veterinarian and is older than I am, but she is still sure that he is about ten, beautifully blonde, owns a chocolate factory and that they are soul mates.)

Are you being hurt in these dreams?

No, but I am having them!   I am having the crazy S.E.X. dreams every night!!  What is wrong with me?!!

Nothing’s wrong sweetie, it’s just hormones.  We’ve talked about hormones.

Hormones give me crazy S.E.X. dreams?

Let me tell you a secret, sweetie, one of the weirder things about being pregnant is that you often have the crazy S.E.X. dreams every night.  Things happen in those dreams that I can’t tell you about until you are approximately thirty-two.  Those are the really crazy S.E.X. dreams, so don’t worry, it’s perfectly normal.

Well, you can’t tell daddy, I don’t think he knows about the hormones.

Daddy knows all about hormones, Lucie, he just doesn’t want to believe you have any.

Thank you, mommy, goodnight!

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA!