I have to confess that when “Knute” that European zoo pet polar bear died, I felt a twinge of relief.  And not just because it was named after Gingrich.  Bears that weigh 2,000 pounds, never hibernate, and blend in perfectly with their surroundings are a menace to the human race.

So when I heard that NASA has quietly abandoned its theory that all SUVs are making all the glaciers melt, (which would result in polar bear extinction) I checked to make sure the story was real, and not just a bunch of disinformation from oil companies.

Yup – it’s real.  NASA is now saying in effect : “never mind – the earth hasn’t warmed since 1997, its getting colder, and it will get a LOT colder before it gets warmer.”  Sunspots and solar cycles are the reason.  Here’s a link, for global warming groupies: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2093264/Forget-global-warming--Cycle-25-need-worry-NASA-scientists-right-Thames-freezing-again.html

Not to belabor the point, but NASA now says that temperatures could – in the near future – plunge by as much 2 degrees Celsius.  Taking us back to the era when Brits used to ice skate on the Thames river.  

I can’t afford to go to London of course, like Al Gore does so often (is he using an electric plane, I hope?).  And anyway, every time he shows up some place to give a pep talk, there’s a blizzard.  Didn’t they have the worst one in a century last year in Britain?  Anyway, Al Gore – perhaps hoping to shake off his jinx - is headed to Antarctica (for real) to document “global warming”, probably in hopes of snaring another academy award.  Let’s hope he doesn’t get attacked by a polar bear.  (disclaimer – BA is aware that polar bears only prowl the arctic, and not the Antarctic.  But if you saw Gore in a white snowsuit trying to get close enough for some penguin snapshots, you might do a double take too.)

But this rant is about polar bears, not how Al Gore remains in total denial, and now wants to degriend NASA on facebook.

There are more polar bears now than at any time in history.  How do we know this?  We don’t – nobody knows how many polar bears there are, because they are almost impossible to count.  They never hibernate, blend in perfectly with the snow, and roam day and night.  Unless you tranquilize one breaking into your dumpster and put a radio collar on it, you’re out of luck, scientists say.   There are "at least 20 or 30 thousand".

Another thing I learned while trying to cope with my polar-bear-a-phobia is that they evolved just a short while ago – during the last ice age.  They’ve been around less time than homo sapiens.  And with the glaciers disappearing, they might have disappeared to. Except now its getting colder.

Realistically, I don’t expect to be attacked by a polar bear here in Baltimore.  But people who gear up for ice skating on the Thames probably should include bear repellant in their kit.   The real reason I hate bears is that I love those cuddly furry seals.

Especially the seal babies.  Those big innocent eyes.  They just lay there looking so helpless and innocent.  Until a hulking, evil polar bear weighing a ton sneaks up behind the snowdrift and pounces on it.   In a fight between seals and bears, I’m always rooting for the seals.

Let the polar bears de-evolve back into grizzlies and brown bears from whence they came, I say.  And even then I’m not signing up for any of those Alaskian Kodiak Bear watching nature hikes where they attack you at random because they have an overdeveloped mothing instinct and  if you come within 20 miles of their cubs or a spawning salmon they think you need to be mauled to death.

I’m starting a new movement – to prevent global cooling.  (Working title – “Don’t Chill Out”).  My mission is to keep the Thames ice free.  And also prevent massive crop failures in Canada, the Russia, and Northern China due to the cold, and the massive starvation that would come with it. 

If NASA scientists are right THIS time (as opposed to last year’s “fireball earth theory”) then the resulting human misery is going to be mind boggling, and we're all going to wish we had a personal oil well in our front yards.

(Full Disclosure – my boyfriend recently bought me a 2000 Lincoln Town car, so don’t blame me if you’re attacked by a polar bear.  I’m doing my part to add greenhouse gases to the atmosphere.  How about you?)