(This is the anecdote with which I close "Tongue Ties That Bind", and it has recently been suggested that it was the only part of the overlong post worth reading. Herewith, edited. JC)

 During the SARS crisis, a friend of mine - a tall, good-looking rake, a native son of Philly who at the time was just beginning to shuffle-off his China-illiteracy - entered a Japanese-style KTV-lounge/brothel in the Jiading District of Shanghai, looking for a drink and someone to wash it down with.  When the pandemic-scare reached fever-pitch, this particular KTV-lounge/brothel  was one of the few bars that remained open. He and I usually drank at the Yi Fan ("One Sail") Bar, which along with just about every other hostelry, massage parlour, and little restaurant had suspended operations.

This is the story he told me. It might be true.

My friend walks in to the lounge and discoveres immediately that all female service staff - who doubled as the female service staff - were, because of the SARS-scare, wearing surgical facemasks. (The irony.) The waitress/prostitute brought a drink list to my friend, and asked him if he would like a kou'jiao ["KO-JOW" = facemask]. As noted, my friend was then studying Chinese languages via comparative anatomy, and so he knew that this phrase (or one sounding very very much like it) meant 'oral sex' -- although it is rumoured that back in 2001 not many mainland Chinese men performed oral sex on their female partners, and so kou'jiao pretty much just meant 'blow-job'.

"Shen'me?", he asked in joyous surprise  -- "What?"

"Kou-jiao, kou-jiao" she replied, elongating each vowel and enunciating each syllable great care. She pointed to the facemask she was wearing, but it seemed to him that she was gesturing to her mouth. Given the nature of the establishment in question, this was sufficient to confirm for him that he did indeed hear what he thought he heard, which was what he'd hoped he heard.

"Zhe'li ma? Xian'zai ma?" -- Here? Now?

"En -- shi 'a!" -- Yup.

"O,...na hao ba -- hai you yi ping Lao'hu'pai pi'jiu" -- Er, ok -- and I'll have a bottle of Tiger Beer with that.

She returned a few moments later with the beer and the facemask. Here now the remainder of the dialogue, as he told it to me, in English only:

[She attempts to hand him the facemask] "Oh, thanks -- I don't want this".

    "But, you said you wanted a kou'jiao".

"Oh, yeah -- so, I need to wear this?"

    "You said you wanted a kou'jiao".

"Yes, er, well, ok".

 [He takes a long sip of his beer; she stretches out her hand, which is holding the bill, and continues speaking]

    "Ok, do you mind paying for this now?"

"No -- no problem." He looks at the slip -- RMB35 for the beer. That's not too bad, he thinks -- but she hasn't written-up the blowjob. Wondering what that will cost, he considers for a moment whether the sex workers in this joint bill separately for parts and labor.

"What about the kou'jiao?"

    "It's free".

"So... then... I need to wear this, right?"

    "Only if you want to".

But I want the kou'jiao.

     "Crazy! I just gave you the kou'jiao!"

Apparently it was at this point that she worked out that there was a bit of... misunderstanding. She burst into a fit of laughter that her facemask couldn't conceal, and called over a coworker to explain to her what just transpired. At least that's what he thinks happened, since the two young women spoke rapidly and in a local dialect. As he tells the story, they found him so lovely and charming that they both sat and drank with him.

Later that evening, he claims, one of them gifted him a  free facemask.