Holy Shit!  We all know that God is punishing the Haitian people for one (most likely apocryphal) incident about a pig sacrifice that happened 150 years ago.  Everyone knows when one person slaughters an animal and that person's side wins a conflict, your whole country is damned for eternity.  No one is disputing this; its just a fact.  One of the continued punishments for the 1800's pig killing (that scholars like Pat Robertson know was actually a notarized contract with Satan) is of course the recent earthquake measuring 7.0 on the richter scale. 

I woke up this morning to the news that there was a massive 8.8 magnitude earthquake in Chile this morning.  My first question was, "Holy SHIT?  What must they have done to anger the lord!!!??"

 Since the Richter scale is logrithmic, they must have been approximately 80 times more evil and heretical than Haiti to warrant that kind of wrath!  Did their founders kill 80 pigs in the 1800s?  Maybe... I dont know alot about Chilean history so I decided to look up some events and facts that might explain why God and Jesus evidently fucking HATE Chile!

Chile's coastline stretches 2,700 miles long. Chile is never more than 110 miles wide east to west.

Aha!  the classic phallic shaped country!  Everytime a school child looks at a globe they have to see Chile's long flaccid land mass hanging southward off of Bolivia (el cojones).  Everyone can agree that Chili is the most penis shaped country in the world, that alone may be reason enough to smite them!

It was not until the 1880s that the Mapuche Indians were completely subjugated.

Aha!  God likes subjugation of heathen Indians to happen quickly and efficiently!  I can't believe these Chilean lazy asses waited until the 1880s to finish converting (what was left of the decimated population) to the very religion of the people who were killing them.  For their slothful subjugation (as compared to America, God's Country) they should be smited!

Chile ousted (after years of brutal and horrific rule rife with human rights violations) CIA backed Gen. Augusto Pinochet and replaced him with a president from the SOCIALIST party!

Well there you have it, need I go any further?  Going against the US's (and therefore God's) wishes by not keeping Pinochet in power and putting in place a member of the socialist (more like satanist) party instead.  Yeah, a clearer recipe for earthquake-based wrath, I could not conjur up in my wildest dreams.  I think that must be it. 

Author's note:  As I am writing this a tsunami from this quake is headed for Hawaii... Humm... need anymore proof?  The Chilean earthquake was Jesus's vengence for Socialism in Chile and going against the CIA, now we have a socialist/communist/fascist/satanist president in the USA FROM HAWAII!!! (Author's note again, at least he SAYS he is from Hawaii, wink wink!).  I would hate to say that I know God's plan, but in this case, God is fuckin spellin it out for us!  Praise be unto him and his prophet Pat Robertson!