Yesterday morning at work I was feeling unusually sluggish.  I needed a pick me up big time.  Against my better judgement rather than simply buying a 'traditional' caffeinated beverage, I decided to try an energy drink.  I have never had one before (other than a red bull and vodka, but that hardly counts), in fact I am a little grossed out by their general look and their emerging popularity at gas stations and convenience stores.  At the coffee shop on campus, I grabbed the energy drink that seemed the least offensive to my eyes:  NERD energy and focus beverage. 

My first tinge of disappointment and regret came when the lady behind the counter told me my 12 oz beverage would be $3.25.  At that precise moment, I was opening the beverage and preparing to drink it.  The timing here is important because had I not opened it, I would have put it back in the cooler and grabbed a soda.  Had it been a second later (while I had NERD in my mouth) I would have sprayed fluorescent green energy drink all over the lady's face in a halarious spit take.  Fortunately for her, she sprung the price on me at precicely the right time to ensure both a purchase and a clean face.  I incredulously asked her, "$3.25, is there gold in here?  I sure hope it does the trick..."  A smile came across her face as she then enformed me that "It was created by a pre-med student, so it should work."  My heart sank.

She seemed to think that the fact that this green liquid was formulated by a pre-med student would impress me or reassure me of its attributes.  Having spend A LOT of time around pre-med students, teaching them, studying with them, and briefly (for one embarassing semester) being one, my immediate concern for the beverage's usefullness as a pick-me-up was usurped for the concern for my health and well being.  Would I survive this drink?  A PRE-MED STUDENT?  I am sorry, I would sooner trust Jim Jones to concoct an energy drink than your average pre-med student.  At least you know what you are getting with Jim Jones serving the kool-aid.  The only thing I have known pre-meds to excel at is asking "Why do I need to know this?" in every class they are in, and bitching profusely for every single point in every single class.  Forgive me if I question their drink making prowless....

Moving on....  I get back to my office, and begin to drink NERD against my own better judgement.  NERD is supposed to deliver not only energy, but focus as well.  After a few minutes of drinking, I do feel a little more energy, jittery energy, as if I have had too much caffeine.  It seemed to be delivering on the "energy" part, focus however.. not so much.  A few minutes later I found out where the "focus" came from.  My stomach started rumbling and I had to "focus" quite hard on getting to the bathroom before I shit my pants!  

Yes, NERD energy drink shoots energy and focus straight through your colon.  I'm sorry... I ordered an energy drink, not super-lax.  After returning from the bathroom, I start looking at the ingredients...The first on the list is Huperazine A.  What the hell is that you may ask, well its a terpinoid, an acetylcholinesterase inhibitor and a NMDA antagonist evidently.  "Possible side effects may include breathing problems, tightness in the throat or chest, chest pain, skin hives, rash, itchy or swollen skin, upset stomach, diarrhea, vomiting, hyperactivity and insomnia. Most adverse events were cholinergic in nature and no serious adverse events occurred."  Awesome!  Thanks, I wanted a pick me up now I am up at 2 am with diarrhea...beautiful.  Thanks pre-med student! 

Lets check out another ingredient Vinpocetine... "Side effects of vinpocetine may include indigestion, nausea, dizziness, anxiety, facial flushing, insomnia, headache, drowsiness and dry mouth. Vinpocetine may also cause a temporary drop in blood pressure"  Sweet!

At least I was spared the rash and hives, but who knows what tomorrow will bring, it may be days before my liver can break down some of the ingredients. 

To summarize this post:  Do not buy NERD energy drink!

bloggers note:  I would usually not write about anything this mundane, but my experience with NERD energy drink was so utterly dissapointing that if I can convince/warn one of the literally dozen of Banteriffic readers to not buy this product, I feel I will have done something good for humanity.