So... lol, isnt that always the way it starts. So.. I havent been in a bad place lately.. but I havent been in a place period. I havent lived.. I havent laughed I havent loved. You know why.. there really isnt a reason to love or laugh.

 

Now, before you all start in on the beautiful kids thing, yea I know. I love my babies, they love me. They make me smile more than they make me made, but you know I have a friend that wanted to get Live Laugh Love tattoo'd to her wrist, in german mind you.. *rolls eyes* thats all fine and dandy, if you believe in the 3 L's. But when you feel empty and broke its really hard to do. But you know what I can do... No what I will do!

 

Hold my own.

Know my name.

Go my own way.

Everything will be fine.

 

  Theres no point in chasing after people that cant, wait.. refused to be loved, and that goes the same for us who do the chasing. We claim we arent looking and we want to be happy, but we know deep down we are the only ones holding ourselve back. Now Im certain Ive dug my own hole, I accept that, I know that letting my family pull me down for so long has caused some perminent damage, now the only thing left is find a way out. Hold my own.

 

I remember last year about this time I was friends with a person who didnt really like me for me, she liked me bc she didnt think I was as pretty as her, as skinny, popular or attractive to guys. Thats why she kept me around, and at the time I dont know why I put up with it. Sure we had some good times, but it always pissed me off to go out to a bar or a club with her only to have her steal or attempt to steal the spot light then complain when she wasnt the center of attention. She will never be her own person if she continues to live thru others or off of others suffering. Ive never been a follower. I have friends, but I do my own thing and I dont pretend to be anyone else to fit in with a group.

Know my name.

 

Now what I have to do is break free. I have to find a way out. I have to get the girls and myself our own place and just the strings. I love my family but I cant keep taking care of them. I have to get my daughters out of this house. How is the hard part, but we can do it. My daughters pre-k teacher is offering us a trailer, sure its still in town, which means Im not completely away from the family, but its a start. If we arent here all the time it helps. The only problem with that is that the trailer probably wont be open till the spring because even though she is renting to people who havent paid her in almost 2 years, well not regularly that is, she cant really kick a family with 4 kids under the age of 13 our in the cold.  Maybe on the way home tomorrow Ill see about that sign I keep seeing for the free forclosed homes list by where I work. I hear bad things about forclosed houses, like the people that live there before you trash them, but it cant be any worse than what I live in now. So what if i have to scrub the house and re pain some walls.  Gotta be better than what we have now. I know we have no furniture, or anything that we wold need but Im sure I could get some deals on couches on craigslist or something like that.  I know it wont happen until probably this spring just bc christmas and all that. But if I start moving my ass for once I could do this. 

Go my own way.

 

Everything will be fine.

Everything will eventually be fine.