SEPTEMBER 14, 2010 12:38AM

Patreus Fights al Qaeda, the Taliban, Morons

Rate: 3 Flag

Critics Ponder: When You Point Out That Someone

is an Idiot - Doesn't the Idiot Get Offended? 


America is being held hostage by idiots. This is not news, of course. But in a welcome shock, General David Patreus apparently can do something about it. 


Certainly, no one else has been able to slow the bounding march of cretins yelling things that are factually wrong or mentally unbalanced. "Barrack Obama is a Muslim." "Barrack Obama was not born in America." "The Ground Zero Mosque is, in fact, on Ground Zero, and is, in fact, a mosque." We've all waited in vain for political leaders, mainstream commentators or just a licensed mental health professional to rank these people low on the cognitive scale, get them into a special school of some kind and allow the rest of to move on.


But idiots vote. So when more and more people start thinking Barack Obama is a Muslim, even left-wing NPR types ask, "How will this affect the Democrats?" rather than the much more cogent and fruitful question, "What the f**k is wrong with everybody?"


Particularly illustrative was when Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center in Florida threatened to burn copies of the Koran unless construction ceased on the aforementioned non-mosque at non-Ground Zero. The biggest thing the national media did wrong with this story was cover it - catapulting Jones from his cozy position as local embarrassment into the lofty heights of international power (much as 19 other religious fanatics did nine years earlier). NPR found itself asking how this might distract the Republican Party, instead of wondering whether Jones has to have his head pulled out of a bucket every so often because he gets disoriented while taking a drink of water.


That’s when Petraeus made a pretty obvious point: Burning someone else’s sacred book maybe, possibly, perhaps, kind of might "endanger troops, and it could endanger the overall effort [in the war]. ... It puts our soldiers in jeopardy very likely. And I think, in fact, images from such activity could very well be used by extremists here and around the world" (Source: ABC News).


With that single blast of common sense, the wind shifted, and we could all stop treating Jones like he had a legitimate point of view rather than mild retardation.


But this is only one of the many idiocies Petraeus needs to point out, since apparently he's the only one who’s allowed to. I've written up more comments the good general can read on other symptoms of cognitive damage, all of them high matters of national security.


* President Barack Obama was born in the United States. Ignoring evidence of this just puts our troops in danger – and this is literally true, by the way. A lieutenant colonel named Terrence Lakin recently refused to deploy to Afghanistan because he demanded more evidence of Obama's origin (aside from the live birth record, official verification of that record and a couple of newspaper birth announcements from 1961; that can all be faked for Obama - as well as for Lt. Col. Terrence Lakin).


The lieutenant colonel, by the way, is an Army flight surgeon, which means pilots are keeling over midflight from undiagnosed heart murmurs because Republicans still can't believe their side lost.


Another threat to national security: Birthers keep sending in for more copies of Obama's birth record, and the clerk's office in Hawaii is about to break into open revolt. We could drop back down to 49 states.


* The troops are sickened and embarrassed that some copy editor somewhere recently had to write the headline “John Mayer Quits Twitter.” It does not bother them that he quit Twitter, nor that he joined it. It just saddens them that they belong to a country where this exists as a national headline.


* Please stop clicking on those stupid "Get a free iPad" notices on Facebook. Nobody is giving away iPads. It's spam. Jimminy Christmas, who doesn't know this by now?!


* NBC screwed up The Tonight Show, causing our troops to doubt America's capacity for sound reasoning. This is a very serious problem - though current viewers of The Tonight Show need hardly be told not to laugh.


First the network yanked Jay Leno from the hosting slot, even though he still led the ratings. Then they put Leno in place of all their prime-time shows in the 10 p.m. slot, leaving a creative vacuum that al Qaeda would be only too happy to fill. Then they screwed over Conan O'Brien by shoving Leno back into his old spot and edging O'Brien out of the network altogether.


As part of his defense, Lt. Col. Terrence Lakin is demanding proof that this made any sense.


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Rated for truth. I would have rated for humor but since it's all true, it's actually quite sad.
Funny and true. I'd like it even more if you spelled our President's name correctly. It's Barack.