President Barack Obama is making a last-minute plea to undecided voters, warning that a Republican president could misuse the extraordinary powers contained in his recently publicized “Disposition Matrix”.
The warning came in an exclusive sit-down with an anonymous trusted journalist – the time-tested method for disseminating selected classified information.
The Disposition Matrix, it was revealed by the Washington Post, is a “Kill List 2.0”, detailing people accused by someone of being associated with someone who may engage in activities that some would describe as terrorism.
All deliberations on the fate of these individuals are secret, but the President himself ensures that if listees are targeted for a drone strike, they really had it coming to them.
Reliable Anonymous Stenographer: Mr. President, tell us about this matrix – who developed it, and what exactly does “disposition” mean?
President of the United States: It’s a great name, isn’t it? I can assure you that we had our best people working on this.
RAS: Your top intelligence experts?
POTUS: No, no, our very best branding team! It’s really perfect! It’s got nerd appeal for those Silicon Valley types, a hint of Hollywood thriller, it sounds kind of menacing, so everybody knows that we mean business … but it doesn’t really give away a damn thing.
(continues below fold)
Poster used in focus groups by Disposition Matrix branding team
Now, as for “Disposition”, it’s a mistake to think that just means “land a drone on your head”. We’ve got a whole range of things we can do, like put 'em in solitary till he forgets his own name. But of course all that’s classified, so the short answer to your question is, “I’d like to tell you what ‘disposition’ means, but then I’d have to dispose of you!” Ha Ha!
Speaking of good lines, what about Eric [Holder], when he did that public spiel about our secret drone program? He says, “some people complain that these people didn’t get due process, but due process isn’t always “judicial process”! Cracked us up!
But seriously, you have my word that anybody on that list is a terrorist, and a terrorist is an enemy of freedom, so if they are in the way of a drone, they got their due.
RAS: Mr. President, do you see any dangers in the long term, when these executive powers of yours have become standard policy?
POTUS: Excellent question! I’m so glad you asked. As the nation’s top constitutional scholar, I fully comprehend the dangers. I mean, these are awesome powers, no doubt about it. There is nothing to stop a future president, if he’s crooked, or stupid, or off his meds, whatever – he could lock up or blast people for all sorts of reasons, and just say “we have classified information that these guys were terrorists”, and they don’t have to provide any evidence, and there’s no court in the country that can review the kill order.
So sure, there is some downside. If you, um, in the future if you’ve got a President who isn’t highly principled, and isn’t completely honest, and might not be totally above the corruptions of absolute power, he might not be really wise, far-sighted, someone who doesn’t completely understand all the complications in world diplomacy, someone …
RAS: You want me to write down all of that?
POTUS: Hey sorry, I was a bit over the top there wasn’t I? But make sure you get this next bit:
I’m Barack Obama, and four years ago you joined me in saying, “The executive power abuses by our Republican president must stop, now!” And together, we made that happen. No Republican president has threatened the foundations of our justice system for four years now!
But today a grave danger faces us. In just three months, America could have a Republican president who claims the right to tap your phone lines and emails without court orders; who says he can capture and detain anybody, anywhere, for as long as he wants, without ever providing any evidence or ever giving that person a chance to defend their name; a Republican President, my fellow citizens, who even claims the right to assassinate anybody, including Americans, anywhere in the world, without review by any court!
I’m counting on you to prevent that from happening. Vote for me, Barack Obama, on November 6, and together we will keep the Disposition Matrix safe.