I haven't done laundry in weeks, perhaps months. Luckily I am creative at making outfits out of the piles on the floor. and I don't sweat much. or at least I hope I don't.
I go to work almost every day. If I did not work, I could not pay rent or buy food. But I go in late and often do not do a good job. I have been there awhile so autopilot is not impossible. But I live in fear of being fired and its consequences, every day. because then I would become completely unmoored and the options are not many or pretty. Life is meager now but I know it could be much, much worse. I have a job that is mostly a safe place. And allows me to rent a small (mostly) safe place with my kitty. and pays for the meds that allow me to eat and sleep almost like a normal person. But the day has been like uncooked porridge for years now. and it gets more porridgey as the years go by. The only thing that broke up the monotony and brought some joy was the nightly half bottle of red. It allowed me a bit of transcendence, and occasionally to clean so the place was only semi squalid. But no wine tonight. I have a cold. and although there are no negative consequences of the wine yet- no hangovers, no regrettable situations - I fear becoming too dependent on it so that one day there will be bad things coming to roost and it will be too late. So here I sit. No tv. Intermittent internet. Nothing on the radio tonight. damn pledge drives. Stone cold sober.
I don't feel like doing anything tonight, not even curling up in bed. The night is just like the day today. This is a half life at most. I need to do something. But after years I can sincerely say I have tried most things. I am not going to list them here but I have searched widely, the traditional and the alternative, for all kinds of healers. I have searched deep inside myself and in the world. I remain open to anything with promise. I have experienced little oases of relief, brought on usually by medications which I would discontinue after an appropriate interval- correctly and safely under a physician's supervision. Lots and lots of therapy before during and after. Maintenance with therapy, exercise and diet. and then crash hard until the cycle continues. 6 years ago I had the biggest crash of all. This time the medication only helped a little. So I switched, tried others, other physicians, second, third opinions.
The same result. More therapy, more exercise, more salmon, more soul searching. I even tried God but I can't fake that. Meditation. Sitting with the pain. It never got better. Books. Increased the dose. I still feel like a piece of shit porridge.
Now what do I do- Go up on the medication? The only thing that has provided relief. Or discontinue in hopes of at least not feeling like porridge? Is intense constant ache better than feeling numb (it's not if the ache never goes away). Try a seventh or eighth therapist, even though they have helped little in the past (psychodynamic, somatic and CBT) and even the ones still in school cost money I don't have right now. Try a new med? perhaps. I read psychiatric journals and know they rarely perform better than placebo and one is hardly better than another.
Perhaps more alternative treatments. Hypnosis. EMDR. Fly to Peru and take ayhuasca. Take more neurobiology classes to try and understand what is going on inside my head. Make peace with the fact that my depression has wrecked havoc with my life and love.
I will do all the things I am supposed to do. I will see my doctor tomorrow. I will drag my ass to the gym after I get over my cold. Eventually I will do laundry. Keep going to work. Gratitude journal. Be social. Act as-if.
After all, someone's got to feed the cat.
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Comments
You wrote that piece well.
Do take care. I'll shhhhhhh now.
Take care tonight.
It's cool you're blogging. It's not always easy but it gets easier and, dumb commenters aside, I think we're a good little community to be part of. One of the worst things about depression is how cut off you feel from other people so connecting with other bloggers who know, understand and care what you're going through is invaluable.
I like the title because I share its sentiment. I've been viewed as a wee bit controversial in the past for saying depression is something I try to live with, not fight against, and I suppose to some people that sounds passive and self-pitying. But my reply to them is that I don't fight battles I can't win, and I won't win against depression. I don't want to live running scared of the black dog. I'd rather make my peace with it, try to tame it if I can and, yes, lie down with it if I have to. When it's time to get up, I get up.
And when it's time for my cat to eat, for sure I get up then too =)
Reading this entry, I feel grateful I live in a country with socialised healthcare (as varied as it can be sometimes) and where I'm not forced to work full-time just to pay the bills. Don't underestimate how much work takes out of you. I really admire you for being able to hold down a job.
I think the gratitude journal is quite an American concept and I'm doubtful how much it mitigates *clinical* depression. For me at least, gratitude comes with a hefty dose of guilt, which just plays in to that depressive thought cycle. It's all relative. I always say if there's an earthquake in China and you have a headache you still take an aspirin. By all means, live as "mindfully" as you can but did knowing there were starving children in Africa ever make your broccoli taste better when you were a kid? (I think growing up and learning you don't have to boil vegetables to a mush did that, MUM.) I got into a minor bunfight with a nominal American doctor over this issue. She accused me of being 'negative'. Maybe so but I thought she was full of shit =)
The trouble with trying to think positively when you're depressed is that depression is defined by the absence of positive thoughts, by the inability to think positively. It's like telling someone who is immunocompromised to make with the white blood cells.
Maybe that sounds passive, maybe that sounds negative. I certainly don't mean to say that you don't have any control over your life. But it helps me tremendously to know that depression is something that happens to me, not who I am.
There's such a difference between feeling depressed and having clinical depression but people tend to relate their own experience to yours (and I'm guilty of that myself.) A friend of mine spent a long time trying Pollyanna-like to 'fix' me before he finally got it and he put it brilliantly: cats and tigers are a lot alike, too, but one is much easier to keep as a house-pet.
Anyhoo, I've kinda forgotten where I was going with all of this =)
*note to self: stop writing comments longer than your own blog posts*
Hope to see a second blog! and hope today is a good day!
la
So this is la. That is all. *fades out with national anthem*
Though I did steal the sloth from her, without asking, pretty cheeky.
When I was in the UK, I heard a lot of grumbling about the NHS.
I grew up shall we say "underprivileged" and the first time I had real health insurance I was 22, so to me the NHS was amazing.
I was lucky to find nice Dr.s who gave me "samples" when I was uninsured and needed meds. But I know if I were to lose my job and not find another, the odds of finding insurance on my own with my prior history of depression are slim to none. This is pretty openly acknowledged.
If I lost my job, I would lose my benefits and probably my home. My job also anchors me and forces me to adhere to a somewhat regular schedule. Sometimes weekends are worse than weekdays . So I fear the loss of that as well.
I was half kidding about the gratitude journal. I have tried it. With my limited energy, my first priorities are things that work better for me. The positive thinking thing doesn't work so well for me either.
No wonder I disliked growing up near LA and left as soon as possible. :)
Today is better.
three or two toed?
My sister had CFS and searched relentlessly for 16 years, trying absolutely everything: psychics, doctors, healers, mditation, vitamins, I can't begin to name everything; her persistence amazed me, and she finally found something that worked. So hang in there.
and Mumbletypeg. Aging does help. I'm still relatively youngish but things are so much better than in my youth. I had more anger and shame about the depression, more anxiety. Now there is some acceptance. I just don't want to slip into complacency.
and cats are very very good ;) "Kitty" was my first word as a child, I was a crazy cat lady from an early age.
o'stephanie. I stole the sloth from the lovely lassie la of lettersfromexile.wordpress.com. You can find her in my links. I can't quite make out the toe-age. I saw him and I had to have him. Before I decided to blog. and then he just fit.
Kit and Kat. I'm so glad your sis found something that worked. She must be awesome to be that persistant. I don't think any one thing will help me but I hope to find the optimal combo of factors plus some life maturity may help. I'm not gonna give up yet. Perhaps if nothing changes and its been 20+ years. My current depression is sort of like CFS. Because the most troubling symptom is the fatigue and it leads to other issues.
Ooh! I see cute kitties in your avatar. Must check out ;)
Yeah massages rock, the deeper the better. I've been curious about Rolfing. Unfortunately, I've cut them out of my budget for now. I've never smoked and I didn't drink much in my 20s but in my 30s I've become a bit of a wino. I figure I will need to cut it out or at least severely taper at some point. I'm one of those who has to eat every couple hours or I get super light headed and bitchy (well more than usual ;) ) , no fasting for me. But I agree seafood (although god I am sick of salmon) + fresh fruit/veg +any possible exercise+ no need for repression. ;) = as much decent mood as available.