I am single. 6 years ago I had a serious relationship end. He was the only man i have ever been in love with, he wanted to marry me. In the end, he broke it off because he could not deal with the other in my life- my depression. I don't blame him. I'm not sure I wouldn't have done the same. He married and has a child. I have dated since our break up but have never met anyone with whom I felt a tenth of the same. I tried online dating. I even became a bit of a slut, having casual hookups with friends. Me, who first had sex at the age of 20 with my first boyfriend (also a virgin). I've dated many kinds of men. Younger, older, yuppie, hippie, single fathers. A few did not feel right but I gave them the benefit of the doubt and continued seeing them so long as there was a smidgen of potential. But mostly they end it. It starts somewhat exciting. I am not beautiful but I am comfortable with my appearance, I am bright and kind. But soon they get a glimpse of the other man in my life, my black dog and they back away, making excuses. Or I never hear from them again. Except perhaps late night texts wanting sex. Intellectually, they may not even know what is wrong. Something just seems off, maybe the animal nose gets a whiff of the darkness. Darkness= death not the fertile maiden evolution needs me to be. Or maybe I push them away unconsciously, because I know I will ultimately prove an unfit partner. It's ok. I still think of my ex but I never spend longer than a night thinking of any of them. Perhaps that is just natural after your first love. But I am no longer looking for knock your socks off love. My expectations have been suitably lowered. I would like a friend, a companion. Sometimes I wonder if I unconsciously choose to be single. Its easier and when a good day consists of doing a load of laundry, you already have too much on your plate. Looking good for dates takes precious energy. And what would another intense breakup do to my already shaky sanity? I've met a couple men who wanted to rescue me, to save me. And although tempting that is not what I want. I want to be an equal partner. I may be depressed but I have my pride. A friend I have not seen since high school recently contacted me. He found me on Facebook and has been sending flirty texts and emails my way. He texted me this weekend and told me he would be in town and wanted to meet up. He seems like a nice guy but I finally sent him a text that said " hey, if you met me I think you would be disappointed. I may be cute-ish but I get depressed a lot". He still wants to meet. I haven't ruled it out yet. But I am tired of offering sex as a consolation prize.
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nazz nomad
Persephone13
autumnmoon
Siobhan Curious
Queen of My World
latethink
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Comments
Peece,
David
HH: I am actually not very pissed off, wish I was. It feels better than molasses. Unlocking is a good idea at any rate. I've had many therapists but maybe there is room for one more.
Thanks for stopping by. I've read a few of yours and enjoyed them mightily.
and the Cheshire Cat was one of my first loves. I relate more to the Dormouse unfortunately.
I think you're right to be wary of the white knights wanting to rescue you. Not only because of the basic unequality of that type situation, but because, in the end, you already know it just doesn't work like that. I hope you find a way that does work for you.
jj, interesting comment. I agree that there is a big difference between feeling depressed and clinical depression. It can lead to those feeling depressed being overmedicated and those with clinical depression being undermedicated. I wish it turned out that I was in the former category but it is not lookin that way so far. perhaps we need a new word for the clinical, I have heard "brainstorm" suggested as many depressions can be quite agitating.
And no white knights for moi, I will consider off-white, eggshell perhaps. ;)
JJ, I think we used to date ;)
But you know what? I have no idea. I just know that the one ad about anti-depressant meds is true. Depression does hurt; true physical pain in my book.
Take care.
It helps. Find a good therapist that will help you get there.
And Closure, it is one of my favs too. I was reminded of it because Danny Boyle was being interviewed on Fresh Air yesterday and they brought up Trainspotting (also one of my favs) and then played Lust for Life.
sometimes support groups are free. maybe one after work somewhere?
and yes, the key is the RIGHT therapist.
Well... I am pleased to meet you. I suspect we will have a great deal more to say over time.
Please let me know if you write the post you mentioned above. I do understand about confidentiality. I almost deleted the mention of my friends in this post. I've told a few friends about the blogging and they want the link. I told them it's (I'm) not ready yet.