He's in the same damn zip code!

75229

Yeah, I know—granted I live on the other side of the tracks in that zip code, but still! I don't wish the man any harm, though I have no affection for the worst president in our history. However, I'm thinking if the retaliation is large enough, I get to be collateral damage. He's just a stones throw (or N-tipped mortar) away from some crazy ass driving down the North Dallas Tollway in a beat up '69 Toyota Hi-Lux used-to-be orange pick-up truck. They just need to cut a hole in the top of the camper shell and baby, it's all she wrote.

So, I have a plan. We make a public proposal that will provide a disincentive for any loony toon attack on the Presidential compound in my 'hood. (Actually, I live 4.2 miles away—3.3 as the crow flies—but still!)

Look at the map below. This is public information, by the way, I'm not giving up any State secrets—Google Earth and Dallas Central Appraisal District are free to the sane and wacko alike.

(Click here for a larger image.)

Bush's place is at the top center, on Daria Place. But note the big ass property just to the south of Bush's modest $2.1 million dollar home. Yeah, the one with the serpentine driveway. That's the modest abode of our own trickle up billionaire, Tom Hicks. He owns the Dallas Stars (hockey), some football/soccer teams in England (Liverpool?) and the Texas Rangers—hmmm, there's some sort of connection here that goes beyond just having a common backyard fence, you think? 

(Click here for a larger image.)

Now look at the Dallas CAD map above. Bush's place is No. 9 in the Daria subdivision off of Meaders Lane. The big bright yellow-colored property belongs to Tom Hicks. Don't worry at all about those two long rectangles that seem not to belong, they're his too; they're just in his wife or daughter's name—he's got that whole section wrapped up.

I remember when there was a For Sale sign out on Walnut Hill Lane for that property, before Hicks bought it. I drive that road a lot, remember, it's not that far from my home. You know how some For Sale signs have added little signs or stickers on them? Like "Spa" or "Pool" or "Gazebo" stuck on to make the property zing a bit more to the passers-by? Well, Hick's place had a For Sale sign with an added tag that I'd never seen before. It said "Lake." It's a big spread, and he's done a lot of work on it since buying the place, probably for cash. 

You see, Hicks is one of those modern phenomena in urban development. He's richer than God, and yet when he proposed building a new arena for the Stars and Mavericks along with his buddy and another neighbor Ross Perot Jr., he wanted the rest of us to pay for it—forever—in the form of tax increases, instead of pulling the wads of moolah out of his own pockets. (You pay too if you come to Dallas! You get increased hotel and rental car taxes! Thanks!) Our then mayor, Laura Miller, was firmly opposed, though there are some who think she eventually capitulated. It did get built after all, and we're footing the bill. Obama's new trade rep, former Dallas Mayor Ron Kirk was all in favor of the development and tax scheme.

Anyway, here's the plan to save my ass. Let it be known that there will be a tunnel dug from under the Bush's kitchen pantry running southeast to a spot on the other side of the Hicks mansion where a helipad will be built. (Ross Perot, who lives even closer to me, wanted permission from the City to build a helipad on his considerable estate, and was flat turned down since he was such a big eared loser—that, and his immediate neighbors objected.) 

I have no doubt that permission will be granted for a Hicks helipad, and for a secret (hah!) tunnel with an ever-charged-and-ready souped up turbo golf cart to whisk the former president to safety. In fact, Hicks has enough scratch to build an underground helipad with a bomb proof dome that will open in mere seconds. It's only about 500 feet from the pantry to the soon to be built Austin Powers bunker helipad—piece o' cake.

Please help me save my home and my rear end from all the whack jobs who want to do in the ex-President. You can help by distributing this little plea out into the wide internets. Really, we're talking about my ass here. It's not Lonnie quality ass, but it still gets my bride excited. 

I mean, look at how nice and modest our home is—I can't afford to start all over building from scratch, especially difficult with all those potential radiation burns:

I know!  Hell must have frozen over—it actually snows in Hades once in a while! (Umm...antenna's gone, I have cable now.)

Some additional data for the geek in you:

You can see the DCAD appraisal on the new Bush digs here. Note who the owner is! Robert McClesky is Bush's accountant, the same one who was part of Arbusto Oil Company, the same Oil Company that had as one of the principal investors a certain half brother of Osama bin Laden, Salen bin Laden, who died in a mysterious airplane crash. There are still some pending SEC investigations that haven't seen much light on Bush's old Oil Company, in the days he parlayed meager investments into a million dollar silver spoon used to buy an interest in the Texas Rangers baseball club.

You can see Hicks' DCAD appraisal here...which doesn't include the two fingers of property that are in some other Hicks' name. $35.4 mill! 12 fireplaces! He does get a nice homestead exemption of some $6.5 million. You'll note too that the "Building Class" of the Hicks home is "26." "26" is the highest that the DCAD goes in its house classes. Bush's is a mere "23." The city describes Class 26 as "the absolute best house made. They are of the finest quality and most elaborate finish out that there is. They are unique and extremely custom from start to finish. They are estate properties. Some have features that defy the mind; such as heated floors, heated flower beds, bowling alleys, racket ball courts, gold plumbing fixtures, materials made special for only this house, imported specialty items, etc." 

Our city describes some homes as "mind-defying"? Who knew?

(Our home is Class 18. "Class 18 is a brick veneer good quality house. It is a step up from the class 16 house. It is a new version of a class 15. It is typically a comp single roof house built on a slab foundation. It has a deviation for a pier and beam foundation."

Gawd, I'm so thankful we're a step up from that Class 16 home.)