Bella99

Bella99
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Texas,
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Wife to one, mother to one, friend to many. I am the Boss's Factotum, household CEO, perennial soft touch and occasional virago

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JANUARY 31, 2009 9:03PM

Epic Tantrum

Rate: 6 Flag

I am blessed to be the mother of Her Maj, my five year old girl.  Amazing, intelligent, well-liked at school, and perplexing.

 Thursday I picked her up early from school for her swimming lesson with her buddy, The Alligator.  We are in the locker room getting dressed and the Alligator is ready before her.  Wait a minute, let me pull your hair into a ponytail.  A fit ensues.  And escalates.  To the point where the much prized swimming lesson is withdrawn.  Which just enrages her even more.  Screaming, crying, physically resisting being dressed because of course I was not going to take her out in 40 degree weather in only her swimsuit.  I spanked her (for the 5th time in her life) - and have learned now that while it may work for other kids, it just magnifies her rage. 

 Yes, I was the mother that the other women going in and out of the locker room pitied.  I was the woman who could not manage to control her child.  Finally, she is dressed and we can leave.  In the car, I ask her what happened - turns out she had this idea in her head to be in the pool before the Alligator.  Alligator is a boy and does not have waist length hair, of course he is going to be ready first.

When we get home we retreat to neutral corners.  Her Maj is on the couch with juice and WonderPets, I'm in the bedroom with wine and my phone.  I call her teacher because I 'm wondering if this is happening in school and if some other issues are going well and because when I asked her to call me last week, she never did.

 She's doing fine, just not doing her schoolwork.  To the point where she will not graduate from kindergarten.  And if her teacher tries to get her to do her work, she cries.  Now Her Maj is in a massively expensive montessori school because she missed the kindergarten cutoff by one day and another year of daycare was not appropriate.  Miss H. is definitely not Simon LeGree - she is very kind.  Furthermore, she was reading by 4, and according to her teacher could do the work, she just won't.  Since she will have to repeat kindergarten anyway, graduating is not a big deal - but the tears and tantrums are.  It's not like we are afraid to discipline her and she has a predictable routine - dinner, bath, storytime every night, etc.  What gives?

 

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swimming, school, fit, child, girl, tantrum

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What gives? This was a pleasant read. My favorite chores is to take my four and one-half year old Granddaughter to her ballet lessons. She reads, and practices her ballet in front of me. She knows I adore her.
I've sat through hours of music, and she'll perform during an entire DVD.
She's been tearful visiting me in a hospital. I was bedridden with a bum war wound last summer. I've not worried about my Granddaughter in a caged jail.
If she visits me in a jailhouse?
She'd be polite, and love me.
She does because She senses,
I know I adore her Annabella
Thanks Bellla99.
Her name is Annabella.
I hate the jail sneeze guard? huh.
How does a inmate kiss with that?
huh. I'm not done jail Time. No yet?
O gitmo. The DoJ are worthless? huh.
O FBI? Federal Bull Institute, phooey.
It's a wild 'Weird' world a child inherits.
~To make the world safe, and better ...
Yes, read, dance, tell true stories, Love.
A child will reciprocate. Cultivate`Love.
Arthur James
January 31, 2009 10:58 PM
Thanks for the response.

Hoping we figure this out before school gets more intense...
Bella99
January 31, 2009 11:03 PM
Bella99. Thank You. I enjoy OS more than the so-called, bookish, the so-called educated who think they cab be a snob because they by chance...
read a book. Whoopee.
She will be greater than some so-called linguist who insist on being called a PhD. Or, a so-called writer "hunk" who acts like Xiao Xiang who attended Yale,
and insist on being
called Coo Coo Bob.
Keep talking to her.
Bob will end in jails?
He'll goose the cops?
Bob will fake the life.
Time for a bed read.
I'll read of Penguins?
They wobble to a bed.
I'll dress as a peacock.
Stay away from creeps.
Arthur James
January 31, 2009 11:27 PM
Hi Bella,

Honestly this sounds like a child who is a little willful/spirited who escalated and had a bad moment when she didn't know how to deal with her feelings and expectations. I don't see anything that qualifies as worrisome or pathological.

I think the most important thing to do is to find a way to handle her when these episodes happen again (and they will). I don't believe in spanking as I don't think it gives the message that you want in this case. Basically you want to convey that you get that she's upset, but she's gonna have to dial it down or there will be consequences. She is free to have feelings, but the freak out/resistance to getting dressed/misbehaving etc will not be tolerated. The consequence of this behavior will be that she will be removed from whatever it is she is doing at the time until she can regroup and behave in a less escalated way.

Obviously I am saying all this in adult speak, but the kid version of this is what needs to be conveyed. But the other factor is that you as her parent have to do your best not to escalate (something I struggle with as the parent of a sometimes willful 21 month old). My mother was of the shut up before I smack you school of parenting and I do not want to visit that school. Yet, it is important to make clear that the tail does not wag the dog. You are there to guide her carefully to adulthood. But if she gets out of control, there will be consequences. And it is important to enforce these consequences every time and not haphazardly.

There are some books on Raising the Spirited Child, and 1-2-3 Magic (positive discipline) that might offer some more concrete advice and guidance. Hope this helps.
teendoc
February 01, 2009 03:08 PM
Thanks for the response. I have learned from this experience to dial back a bit when she gets worked up. But that still leaves the breaking down in tears when she is asked to do her schoolwork situation. Feh. I'm hoping a more structured environment next year will be helpful. And I've made an appt. with a children's therapist at her teacher's suggestion.
Bella99
February 01, 2009 03:19 PM
Her Maj, that's wonderful. I wish I had thought of that when my little princess was younger. It fit her to a damned T.
Rated
coogansbluf
February 01, 2009 04:09 PM
Thanks Coogansbluf. I'm trying to find the line between drill sergeant and door mat. I'll send a map if I locate it.
Bella99
February 01, 2009 05:55 PM
My son has tantrums. At first, we attributed his outbursts to the "terrible twos", but his terrible twos continued into the threes, fours, etc. He is able to maintain self control at school, but at home he is very challenging. He has benefited from working with a family therapist ( a good family therapist will insist on meeting and working with the entire family. The acting out behaviors can be understood only if the larger family dynamics are examined). My other advice as a struggling parent would be to remain consistent once you have established the rules and structure. Hang in there, you are not alone.
ClosureIsaMyth
February 03, 2009 03:27 PM
Thanks Closure Is a Myth. She is a very sensitive child, but last week was a hurricane. I have learned a lot from last week - next time I'll try harder to not fuel her frustration. I'm almost more worried about the schoolwork. Her teacher says she does just fine until she has to work independently, then she spaces out and doesn't get any work done. Her teacher thinks as she grows more mature the situation will resolve itself. We'll see what the therapist says.

The other thing is she's had a persistent cough (for 3 weeks), finally on our 4th visit to the doc. he put her on albuterol. I've also told her teacher that until further notice, I want her to have a nap daily. She had been getting them, then without telling me, her teacher discontinued the daily nap. I suspect illness and sleep deprivation played their part in the Epic Tantrum, but I'm not going to use that as an excuse to not look further.
Bella99
February 03, 2009 04:26 PM
If she doesn't get ready for swimming she goes home and into her room AWAY FROM YOU where she stays for the time she could have spent swimming. Eventually, she should be able to connect the dots.
jimmymac1025
February 04, 2009 09:25 AM
Losing the swimming lesson was a fair punishment. From now on, throw a fit before your lesson - lose your lesson. Throw a fit getting ready to leave - lose the next lesson. I have reinforced this with some discussions about the behavior I expect at the pool.
Bella99
February 04, 2009 10:18 AM
It sounds like your daughter needs a more structured school environment than Montessori affords. I was in a school--not Montessori, but one with work stations, where we were supposed to go around and work independently. And I wandered around lost. She must feel stressed and like a failure when it comes to having to work alone--given that she cries when it's time to do so. Maybe just putting her into another kind of school until she matures more would help.
Pat Davis
February 05, 2009 11:27 PM
We've already decided not to do Montessori next year, unfortunately finding another private school slot at this point in the year is next to impossible and while I wish I could quit my job and stay home with her, financially that is not an option. The teacher is trying not to put additional pressure on her at this point since it is not helping anyway.
Bella99
February 06, 2009 03:47 AM
Ah, how did I miss this post amidst our other exchanges?! Interestingly enough, my son shares the tendancy to have wild emotions. Tears and tantrums, they've never subsided. The smallest of things still send him into fits, he's just completely unable to control his emotions, not even a little it seems. I wonder if this is a common thread among bright & creative kids? Seems like creatively inspired adults also tend to be more emotional & in tune with emotions, it makes sense that their emotions might be overwhelming as kids.

Do you think she's getting enough creative outlet in addition to the expectations to perform academically? We've had experiences with montessori, and ours was great, but I'm sure they differ like anything else from one school to another.

I so wish we had a magic ball....
AFreeSpirit
February 06, 2009 02:19 PM
I have one of those willful spirited kids. And that describes me too, which makes it hard to not worry, because you know the way it feels to be in the world like that.

Thanks for this. I appreciate it. And have much empathy for the challenges, as you already know (I think).
the stand-in
February 09, 2009 02:41 PM
I don't have any advice, only sympathy. I like what teendoc said, though. Although I resorted to spanking when our children were young, I never got the results I wanted and I believe now that it sent the wrong message to the children. When you are at wit's end, it hard even to think, much less to make the best parenting choices. I would be keen on knowing what the therapist recommends. Good luck to you!
Rich Banks
March 05, 2009 11:45 AM
Much, much sympathy. No kids myself, but I practically raised my youngest sister Drama Queen, and she sounds a lot like Her Maj. Absolute hysteria at the drop of a hat. It got so bad at swim lessons I had to hide in various strategic points around the pool, because if she saw me, she would start screaming at the top of her lungs for me to come get her.
AshKW
March 11, 2009 05:28 PM
Oh sweet Bella, we've all been there! Your baby girl had a firm plan, and you and your rubber band got in the way!

She sounds like a smart one. I highly second the book recommendation from Teendoc.
annette2009
April 15, 2009 03:05 PM