*an ongoing struggle ---and a series of stories

A Story of Personal

"Phar Laps"

I don't know very much about horses, except that I have always thought that they are very mysterious and beautiful.  My dear friend Allie loves horses.  This past week, when I went to the doctor and found out that I had a clot in my leg, attributable to the Factor V Leiden blood disorder/gene mutation that I carry, I cried for myself.  Another clot.  The third one in three years. It isn't unlike Allie to put me on a journey of the soul... and this is just what she did.  Two nights ago.  I had a Skype conversation with her from her home in London.  And she said something that changed my perspective on things entirely.

You must understand that we have been friends since college.  She knows how painful these health struggles have been for me.  She has a long ear and a big heart.  And she knows that the chances that I will be on bloodthinners for my lifetime continue to rise with each new clot.  Nevertheless, in a way very much according to her personality, right in the middle of a grave conversation, Allie made a mercurial comment about how racehorses have survived years of bloodthinners, and that I could be a racehorse too.   At first, I did not welcome her assertion. (Nevermind, Allie, that the number one cause of poisoning in animals is lead and arsenic, and for years, racehorses have died at the hands of their trainers because of arsenic poisoning.  But... remember... I am the serious one.) For once, I stopped to see the sun poking through the clouds. 

Yes. I feel like I am in a race. Why not see myself as a racehorse?  They are strong, and proud.  There is no limit to their potential.  This is a good metaphor.  We laughed.  And after we finished our macabre conversation about arsenic poisoning, coumadin, and survival, Allie mentioned that I had to see the movie Phar Lap-- if I didn't know it.   I didn't. This is where I began this personal journey. 

Because 99.99999% of Allie's movie suggestions are fantastic, I searched for a copy of the film, and found one.  The 1983 version of this Australian film was really worth watching.  Phar Lap is the true story of the legendary "Aussie Seasbiscuit" --a horse who went showing  little promise of ever winning a race to being nearly unable to lose one. (Okay... I connect!!)

The movie highlights the love between his groom (Tommy Woodcock) and his great red horse, much as Seabiscuit highlighted the love of Red Pollard for his little bay.  It demonstrates the the curiosity over his cause of death, as a topic that remained of high interest even some 75 years afterward. Incidentally, many tests were done on the hair and tissue of Phar Lap, but researchers were unable to separate the chemicals used in preserving his hide and heart vs. those that actually killed him, and they were never able to prove the arsenic poisoning-- until recently.  It wasn't until 2008 (using only six of his hairs), that scientists were able to prove that 30-40 hours before his death, he had ingested a massive dose of arsenic. The poisoning was sad. But, what a horse! What a story of survival and endurance! What a story to learn from!

Last Thursday, I was supposed to  go to a college reunion in Washington D.C. Allie should have been part of that reunion, too.  The fact that she now lives in London makes it a bit hard for her to pop on a plane and attend a reunion.  So, she understandably couldn't attend.  But plans were in the works a few weeks ahead, and I was able to go.  As I indicated in my last post, I began feeling unwell right before I was about to go...  the Hashimoto's was in swing, swollen legs and feet, pain in the legs, the fatigue.  Everything worsened.  I called the doctor.  He ordered tests.  Then... no discussions over the phone, just in person. I knew I was in a bad place. Before I could even meet with the doctor, the nurse with whom I spoke advised NO CAR TRAVEL right now.  Washington D.C. is a three-four hour car ride from my home.  I wouldn't be able to make it.  I began sending my apologies to my friends---- "I am so sorry that I will not make it this year. I know that you understand, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel very down about it."  Why did this have to happen NOW? 

Like Seabiscuit or Phar Lap -------out of the race.  

Man, I missed it.   Of all the things about being sick, this is the worst part.  Missing out. Not being able to participate. It is hell.

Missing that reunion was awful, but it put so many things in perspective, as well.  I missed seeing Ted and his wife and baby boy.  I heard that they are a darling family.  I missed seeing Lynne and her new husband Paul, and Richard and his fiance.  I missed driving down to D.C. with Noah and Tim, and it had been years since I had seen Wil-- and he was expected to be there with his new gal. Most of all, I missed seeing the Mighty Jo (my prof) and her hair-raising redesigned hairspace.  Short hair!  Wow! Cutting the hair was BIG for her.  I heard it looks tres-chic! And I bet the discussions at the table that night were full of energy.  I missed the chance to be there, being me. 

But you don't race with a clot. After the nurse called and told me that the doctor wanted to see me in person, it began a flurry of activity relating to doctors and radiology appointments, transferring medical records, keeping one doctor at pace with the other, researching what doctors didn't completely explain to me, worrying, waiting, and wanting, writing emails and making phone calls to friends about missing the reunion, and coping with pain and managing medication.  Finally, there was and is the dreaded "d" word:  DISABILITY.  I am looking into SSDI-- again.  Ugh.  This feels like a horror.  It has been granted to me before on a temporary basis, and now -- I must reapply and go through the dreaded reapproval process.  Waiting again. Waiting in lonely rooms has become my race today-- a race of patience.  I realized this when I began to have chest tightness, dry coughing, and shortness of breath... I could explain this as someone who used to be familiar with a quick run around a track.  I told my doctor, of course.  And the next day, I was in for an echocardiogram.  Pray not pericarditis, with all of the fluid buildup in my legs. Thank G-d, not.

When I got into the car after the echocardiogram, I breathed a sigh of relief.  Nothing wrong with my heart!  If there was something wrong, they would have kept me in the room for "bad news"... the room with the telephones ... where they ring especially for you, only you don't want to pick up the receiver, because you feel like you have been taken aside like the bad child, to be punished for something you never ever did.  I didn't have to do it.  OHHHH! The Superone above... gave me another chance.  I would drive away, and I would get another chance.  And I would get back into the traffic, like a horse on its highway in its race, only this time, keenly aware of the prize.  Horses seem to be in a contest of their own, against a time that is apart from human time, against an opponent we cannot see -- because the opponent is not along side them.  It is within them.  I've lost sight of that. I've lost sight that the race is only about me,  and it is one of patience and deep personal investigation.  I make very deep connections with Seabiscuit and Phar Lap. What I am learning is that this race is a race with all of my demons and dreams. 

It is a race with myself.  And the prize is only about my life. No one else's.

Thank you, Allie-- for this, and for years of carving incredible new personal insights for me.

Seabiscuit (2003) Movie Trailer

During the Depression, a former bicycle repairman, Charles Howard (Jeff Bridges), owned a small, knobbly-kneed horse called Seabiscuit. Howard teamed up with half-blind ex-prize-fighter Red Pollard (Tobey Maguire), who became the horse's jockey, and former "mustang breaker" Tom Smith (Chris Cooper), who became the horse's trainer. People around the country became fascinated with the story of Seabiscuit, who won Horse of the Year honors in 1938.

film summary from netflix.com

Clips from Phar Lap (1983)  (Australian)*

*now available in a new 2 disc DVD with extra footage

After launching his career as a dubious contender with no pedigree, Australian racehorse Phar Lap stunned the world as he began winning. But when scores of professional gamblers started betting on his long-shot reputation -- and he faltered -- they lost hundreds of thousands of dollars. The thoroughbred's subsequent death after winning a key race sparked debate about whether foul play was involved and whether gambling interests were to blame.

 film summary from netflix.com