"Once teenagers have had sex, trying to convince them not to do it again is like trying to convince a dog that chicken bones are dangerous. It's impossible."
That's what I told my friend Mary Tom when she called to ask for advice. Her daughter is sixteen and has her first serious boyfriend. Her son is fourteen. She knows she has some rough years ahead. Among my group of girlfriends, my children are the oldest – 24 and 21 – and my parenting experiences have provided everyone else with examples, good and bad and very bad.
"What did you do?" she asked, after I'd given my solemn, definitive edict on sex and chicken bones.
"I chased them around the house yelling ‘Drop it! Drop it!'....Oh, you mean the teenagers? Nothing. At that point there isn't a whole lot you can do. Not legally."
She wailed in despair.
My children are now young adults and they don't share their sex lives with me, but I know they have "sex lives" and have had them for a while. Even before they had sex lives, I understood they would eventually have them, and set about preparing all of us, knowing ultimately I wanted them to feel comfortable with their bodies, free to explore and express themselves without shame. Those years of awakening sexuality are heady, exciting times and the last thing I wanted was wind up the main topic at their adulthood therapy sessions, blamed for their sexual dysfunction along with everything else I'm legitimately on the hook for. Besides, there were other teenage pitfalls that seemed more serious -- One of my son's classmates died in a drunk driving accident. One of my daughter's classmates committed suicide after failing to kick a heroine habit. That kind of serious. -- and while abstinence is an admirable choice if it's freely chosen, I never liked the idea that "purity" is a method of judging character. In short, if they could avoid the drugs, I'd be mostly okay with the sex and rock'n roll, especially the rock'n roll. How about that Elvis and his quaintly writhing pelvis?
That doesn't mean I bought them tambourines and a Hair soundtrack and let them loose. It doesn't mean I kept quiet about the responsibilities and complications that come with sexual relationships. I made sure they knew reproductive system physiology and all about the sin tax diseases, spirochetes and external crawlies. I wasn't above using humor and reverse psychology. At the breakfast table I primly told them, "Sex is dirty and disgusting. Unless you're married...."
"Then it's just disgusting," my son interrupted.
"Hey, Mister! You were born with a nine pound forehead. You need to think about how that happens."
He choked on his cereal.
"That's right. Until you can imagine standing at the business end of your girlfriend ready to accept whatever comes out as ‘the best thing that ever happened to me,' you'd better be very careful."
My daughter said, brightly, "Birth control. It's the shit!"
"Thank you for that word from our sponsor," I told her.
As often happened, I lost my buoyant attitude rather quickly, needing to close on a very serious note. "Just...Please...Don't be a cautionary tale. That's just about the worst thing you could end up being. Like your friend Jay. He missed out on a full scholarship and had to go straight from high school to work, and his girlfriend has already moved on to another boyfriend..."
By then, they'd stopped listening and had wandered off. During their teendom, I often felt like I was performing the world's longest and least appreciated one-woman show, re-enacting the Death of Vaudeville, impersonating myself in cheesy variety acts, looking for the one that would return me to my former glory as the center of their universe -- a big-time star. They'd already moved on, replaced me with themselves, leaving me with my spinning plates and an old-fashioned magic routine. I reeked of flop sweat.
I had faith in them and their choices anyway. It helped knowing – now, twenty-five years from high school – the experiences that seemed to have such weight, have floated away in the face of more important, far-reaching, mistakes. I regret Eddie, shoulder pads, teased "rooster" bangs, Rick, and harem pants with the same light recriminations. With much heavier sorrow, I regret being so careless with Mark's heart, all the sarcastic, hurtful things I said when I was trying to be funny, and worrying too much about what people thought of me. Those are the memories that burn and itch like an untreated STD, many years later.
And I know for a fact Mary Tom doesn't regret her high school boyfriend Felix nearly as much as she regrets Daniel, the man she married in her mid thirties, when she was recently widowed and vulnerable, the man who left her and her children emotionally and financially flattened.
At a recent reunion, I spoke with a girl who'd had an abortion in our Junior year. We were close then and I was a confidant, witness to her turmoil. I made the appointment for her because she was too upset to do it herself. "It's just an appointment," I said. "You still have time to think about it." She seemed to bounce back quickly and we remained friends through our Senior year, until she left for college in Georgia. It was wonderful see her at the reunion and catch up. We hugged tightly and bounced side-to-side in a gleeful dance. She's an accountant, married, with three sons. I suspect sometimes she wonders "what if..." but she's clearly happy with her life, not hollow-eyed and tortured by guilt. Then there was the girl who got knocked up in her first year of college, had a baby and dropped out for a while. The first night of the reunion she drank a few beers and annoyed everyone with pictures of her kids. (I think that was me.)
We were, all of us, sexually active and good girls. Good students, good daughters, good friends who became good mothers, good wives or partners. Which confirms my belief that sexuality shouldn't ever be labeled "promiscuity" unless you have made that distinction for yourself, about your own behavior.
I reminded Mary Tom of these experiences, survived or forgotten, or remembered in the here-and-now with fondness for our foolish younger selves. She continued to fret. She wanted practical advice that would halt her daughter's sexual maturity in its tracks, and I had none to offer, other than -- "Don't buy her a car she can lie down in." and, borrowing from my daughter, "Birth control. It's the shit!"
After I hung up the phone, I called her right back. "I thought of something," I said. "The next time you eat chicken, keep the wishbone. Save it for a time when you really need it, and I'll come over and pull it with you."
I already know what I'll wish for, closing my eyes as I pull. I'll wish for Mary Tom to be happy, and that will take care of everything.
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Comments
This was hilarious and honest and true. You did get the tone right, absolutely right. "The first night of the reunion she drank a few beers and annoyed everyone with pictures of her kids. (I think that was me.)" Ha!
My girl just had her twentieth birthday this past weekend. Before she blew the candles out on her cake she said, "Now we can celebrate no teen pregnancies!" She got laughs all round and maybe a few sighs of relief ( especially from the older relatives!).
Note to self: Good advice.
{[R]}
You just have to have faith in them and I did with mine.
Just like yours..
It is what it is :)
Rated with hugs
"Don't buy her a car she can lie down in." Not a good strategy to forstall sexual activity. I had a VW beetle as a teenager and although you can't lay down in it, you can have sex in it. You have to be limber though...
Rated.
Lezlie
After my son got pierced [again, and again] I was showing my husband and my cousin his little tin box he keeps all of his piercings in. And there were....his condoms! Oh my! I carefully put them back where I found them. I knew I had done all the preparatory lectures for years and now he was becoming a man.
He has a girlfriend now and I don't know what their sex status is but I am confident in my son. After reading this, I may call with the reminder of "until you can imagine standing at the business end of your girlfriend...."
Linnn -- It won't prevent them from fooling around, but at least they won't be comfortable.
Alysa -- Yes, the going crazy is the part we all fear. It seems that the more you try to control them the likelier it is that they will go off the rails.
Larry -- I'd love to see you in Hammer Pants. Oh...I forgot one. I regret fluorescent t-shirts.
Linda -- Have faith in them. It sounds so easy. We both know it isn't. But we survived!
Boanerges -- Thanks to you and Red! I'm glad you saw the humor in it.
Owl -- Yes, a lot of knowledge is a very good thing when it comes to teens. I know they got tired of me talking, but I never wanted them to come to me one day and say, "You never told me about ___!!"
Jonathan -- Thanks! I really enjoyed your Fetus post yesterday. I got there after you closed comments, so I just wanted to let you know.
Gratefuldan -- Ha! The images I'm coming up with are hilarious...and disturbing.
Lezlie -- Rooster bangs are never pretty. It is good being past those years, and being the one who survived them without going crazy. Now I'm onto other parenting challenges!
Deborah -- At least you found condoms instead of a pregnancy test! Those first signs of sexuality are indeed a shocker, even if you expect it and think you are prepared.
Schmoopie -- Thank you for the encouraging words. It's good to be on the other side of it. I can laugh about it now.
It does help knowing, as you said, that the things which seemed to carry so much weight then were really only minor obstacles. It may have felt like the sky was falling when we had to call our parents and tell them that I was pregnant just one year out of high school and not yet married, but here we are, still in love and with four beautiful children. All those eyes I felt continually in the early years of our marriage probably weren't. What's more, I no longer care if they were.
Even so, it isn't easy finding condoms in the console of your son's car when you're looking for the current insurance card. Or when you have to explain that heat may compromise rubber. Then there is the question of what else you should say. The best thing I've figured out is to handle it all with honesty, love, and a bit of humor. Then, too, I have to constantly remind myself that we've raised them well. We aren't done, but our role as parents changes as they get older. It's important to remember to "hold on loosely but don't let go."
It was never spoken of in my home growing up, or even as I got married, and never after I had kids. I guess they figured I'd read a book someplace. So, since it worked out so well for me, I did the same with my kids. ha! (although I've since discovered the door doesn't swing one way and now, they talk too much). ::fingers in ears:: nannnanananananna
Cartouche said it best.~r
I read this and choked on my tuna fish....from pure laughter!
I, too, love the 9# forehead. My mother was junior high school health teacher and I look back fondly on all the times before I went out in high school that she would lovingly say:
"Michael, have a good time tonight. Call if you're going to be late. Here's $20 . Remember that if you wind up a teenage father, it will only happen once, because your dad and I will subsequently remove your testicles and put them in a jar of blue juice on a shelf in your bedroom for you to admire for the rest of your high school career. Have fun, honey."
I DID have a fun adolescent life. I never became a teenage father.
LOL! The "too much information" tactic probably works pretty well, I'd imagine. Rated.
R
And required reading for my teenage daughters.
B.C. - it's the Shit! Indeed.
In case any of your friends like to read parenting books (I turn to them in desperation at times!) I have been reading a great one, Between Parent and Teenageer, that was written many years ago but has some great advice.
My oldest son and his girlfriend were going at it. She was on top riding for all she was worth. I guess that is why they didn't hear the call to dinner. So I went up stairs to get them and found the bedroom door open several inches. As I pushed it open a little bit more to tell them to come (no pun intended) down for dinner that's when my brain caught the last train to Memphis.
Out of my empty mind came the second dumbest thing I've ever said in my life. Nice Tits.
Dinner that night was so quite you could hear the chicken bones crunch. I kind of wish they had worked out. She had the cojones to come back around the next day. She would have been good for him.
I have to save this post three times over.
Older -- You've expressed some of the same feelings my husband has felt. I'm sure his viewpoint would be a a little different from mine, even if we reached the same conclusion.
Stim -- You should do a post about that. It would be interesting to know how a parent's approach to sex-ed impacted your life. I hope my kids would have something positive to post, but you never know.
Kate -- He was huge. Mostly forehead. Even I can't imagine how that happened.
Aim -- Thanks for the kind review! I think those of us who have grown up during these years do need to remember what we experienced and bring it forward as we raise our own children. In the thick of things (dealing with our teens) it's hard to remember that we survived and thrived.
PrairieAir -- Exactly! I think you've achieved it, that magical compromise between love and knowledge and...just wanting the very best for them, and figuring out how to get them there no matter how uncomfortable that makes you.
Linda -- I have a feeling you'll do just fine when your children need guidance. I'm not sure I handled everything perfectly, but I know I did the best I could, what felt right.
Sophieh -- Conversations are so important. If you don't bring it up, you can't brainwash them.
Hugs -- Thank you. I tried to be true to my experiences and to the atmosphere I gave to my children. I think every family is different and no one approach is right for every child. I hope my approach was right for mine.
Cartouche -- That's so...great...that you would say that. Some posts come easily, and this one didn't, so I'm glad you liked it.
Gabby -- My parents didn't talk much about sex either. Which might be how I ended up pregnant at 18! It turned out well, but it could have been a bad situation. I kept that in mind when raising my own children. I probably talked too much. If that door swings, and they begin to talk too much, I'll use my finger-ear plugs a'la Gabby Abby.
Rated.
Joan -- I know you have your own stories too tell on this subject. No one escapes teendom without STORIES.
Susan -- I admit to having guilted my son with stories of his birth, which was without pain meds, little me and big him. Maybe I scarred him forever, and now I won't ever get grandchildren and when the time comes to guilt him for that I will have lost all purchase!
Blue -- I think having a boy almost makes it worse, because in the case of an unintended pregnancy he has no control over the decision, when either choice will impact his life very heavily.
Michael -- Have fun honey! While you think about that blue juice. No wonder you delayed fatherhood.
Caroline K. -- Imagination is your best friend when dealing with teens. Imagination is the only thing they have that's stronger than hormones.
LittleWillie -- That would be a great band name! I love it!!
ConnieMack -- Yeah, it is kinda the shit. Too bad we don't acknowledge its awesomeness enough.
Mia -- I can't say my playbook was right, only that it seemed right for us. My mom wasn't as forthcoming, but I know she did what seemed right for me at the time. As moms we always backthink and guilt ourselves.
Libmomrn -- That's great, especially that message for your daughter. It does seem like there's a certain culture of possession and expectation among some teens. Good thing you've armed her (and your sons).
Karin -- I love parenting books. When you find a good one, they are worth their weight in gold because they tell us we are not alone, and that we have options. Sometimes it feels like we have none.
Lisa -- Now that's a party! I wonder what the cake would look like?
Cranky -- We all had those "preacher's kid" friends who were suffocated as teens and then went wild once the pillow was removed from their face.
Geezer -- I'll take a laugh. After living with teens, I deserve it!
Trilogy -- Yes, sex wasn't my scariest scenario. When you think of all the ways you child could get into trouble or killed, even an unplanned pregnancy doesn't seem so bad.
Lea -- I'm collecting wishbones. I hope I never need them.
Catnlion -- Oh my. I hope your son's girlfriend tells that story at their wedding reception! Now that would be a family legend.
Scanner -- I've heard (and believe) that grandchildren are just the most amazing creatures ever invented. I'm looking forward to that discovery, whenever it happens.
Vanessa -- I know your children are young and you have a while yet before you have to think about it. I know you'll handle things perfectly.
By the way, I think you might want to do a slight edit -- "One of my daughter's classmates committed suicide after failing to kick a heroine habit." Sick bastard that I am, I couldn't help but laugh.
Okay, it's a little creepy to tell your kid to masturbate, and I certainly wouldn't introduce the topic to my 8 yr/old daughter, but if she ever asks me about it, I certainly won't discourage the practice.
Now that I'm in my 50's I have an inner peace about many of the things I did as a parent. My memory is fading and I don't remember all my mistakes so it worked out on my end. Thanks for the reminder and the smile.
By the way, if you love horses, I heard from my grandmother that the products from Abler
Equine Pharmaceuticals are good. You might want to check it out also.
I aas rapt from beginning to end. "People don't make babies on motorcycles" is coming to mind as a money maker for motorcyle companies.
But then parents don't want their kids to ride motorcylces either. The wishbone thing might be the best way to go.
Brava, Ms. Vance. You are a one talented mama.
Get real idiot -- that's not the 2ND dumbest thing you've ever said. You beat that "quip" nearly every single day.
-R-
"During their teendom, I often felt like I was performing the world's longest and least appreciated one-woman show, re-enacting the Death of Vaudeville, impersonating myself in cheesy variety acts, looking for the one that would return me to my former glory as the center of their universe -- a big-time star. They'd already moved on, replaced me with themselves, leaving me with my spinning plates and an old-fashioned magic routine."
That is my life. How did you know?!
rated
Fusan -- You know I actually thought of you when I was writing this piece! I wondered about the differences between your parents' cultural views and the views of their adopted country. I have no doubt they and you had a difficult time of it.
Tom -- A spellcheck fail! But...maybe it was a "heroine" addiction that killed her.
Bluestocking -- Exactly right. I had to laugh because as I was reading your response I thought about how bringing up masturbation was a lot harder for me than bringing up intercourse. I wonder why? That doesn't make sense.
l'Heure -- Oh I tried both -- the short sentences and the long ones -- just hoping something would stick. I think you're right that the short, punchy statements over and over work the best.
Lucy -- I have no doubt that you will give your daughters exactly what they need when they need it.
DrWilliam -- Yes, but I think they need a little guidance too.
vzn -- It is difficult to read anything positive about teenage sexuality, probably because we (or parents) feel so protective of our children and we want the best for them, and we want others to see them in a positive (unsullied) light, that it's hard for us to even have conversations about our teens and their sexual activities.
Renatta -- Thanks for the compliment!
Elza -- Devil's Apple. Now that's a cool phrase for "sex." I'm going to start using that one.
Fernsy -- That would be a wonderful slogan for a motorcycle company! I'm viewing the ad in my head right now!
Ladyslipper -- I do have a thing for wishbones.
Cindy -- I'm sorry to hear of your migraine insomnia (which must be so much worse than mere insomnia!) but I'm glad you liked the piece.
Christine -- I appreciate that more than you know.
Denise -- It is a hard topic. I hate "going there" -- thinking of my children as sexual beings. Or I used to. It's gotten easier as they've grown older and have proven themselves capable of making good choices.
Annie -- I imagine you are much better at all of the Vaudeville routines than I am!! You'll do fine. Sam will do fine. I know it. You don't even need the wishbone.
Writerguy -- Thanks!! It's always good to see a new face in the comment section.
Kate -- Two daughters? Sigh. You know, yes you do.
Susan -- EXACTLY!! At that age keeping them alive seems so much more important than worrying about their purity.
Gabby Fox -- Thank you for reading! I'm glad you liked it.
Matt -- Just two nickels and not a penny more. You make me blush and want to be a better writer, when those complimentary words come from a writer such as yourself.
Bea -- I don't blame you for not wanting to think about it. I don't want to think about it. Now that I've done this post, I'm glad I won't have to think about it for a very long while....or until tomorrow when my daughter comes home from college for the weekend...with her boyfriend.
".....last thing I wanted was wind up the main topic at their adulthood therapy sessions, blamed for their sexual dysfunction along with everything else I'm legitimately on the hook for." Brilliant!
Also loved the part about the vaudeville act. You are one cool mom. Your kids are lucky. Your friends are lucky.
My then-future-father-in-law once invited me to the basement where he had me help load bullets. "Dad" is one of the nicest guys I know, so it probably wasn't his intent to scare me. I've never felt brave enough to ask, though.
My daughter is 5, and I don't own a gun, but I will definitely be loading bullets with her boyfriends, and I won't be as subtle as my father-in-law.
Nice Post -r-
k
Rated