The streets of our neighborhood are clear; the driveways contain cars I recognize, no out-of-state plates. The visitors -- the parents, the children, the college students, the grandchildren – have all gone home.
On my morning walk I follow their scat: Spent bottle rockets and twined rows of firecrackers, flattened on the roadway. Christmas tree carcasses, stacked like massacre victims; the bits of tinsel clinging to the branches call to mind metal amid bones -- dental fillings and knee pins and jewelry buried with the dead. Rain-soaked cardboard boxes empty of their advertised contents -- already obsolete flat-screen TV's and gaming systems, assembly-required furniture I'll see on the curb a year from now, listing drunkenly, born for rehab.
I step on a box that once held a "Bathtime Barbie." Two weeks past Christmas, she's probably stripped of clothing, tattooed with marker, shorn for military service and marching toward the bottom of the toy box to join an army of naked dolls that used to be a Special Kind of Barbie and are now indistinguishable from one another.
On the next morning's walk, it's all gone. As if December never happened.
As you can tell, I'm in a January state of mind – that sad calendaric void between the "most wonderful time of the year" and Valentine's Day, a void which naturally includes some of the dreariest, coldest, slushiest, loneliest days imaginable.
I feel the darkness in my chest, an ache dead center. My son has returned to his sailboat, with the horror of his earlier trip not fully behind me, and my daughter is back at college. Upon leaving, she discovered she couldn't fit her rat's cage into her backseat. "I'll be back next weekend," she said. Something came up, and her excuses now hint at some date that might be never, but could be today. So every afternoon we -- the rat and I -- have "rat time." I crack open a beer, cut a few pieces of avocado for Rat and we sit on the front porch, looking toward the driveway, expectantly, until the sun goes down.
It seems everyone else feels it too, a miserly curling in, the sense that expectations will not be met. In the paper, a local food bank begs for food. They're empty, after a glut of holiday goodwill. Our city put up new signs on the panhandler's corner, signs which might as well read Don't Feed the Bears. A cop car sits a few yards away making sure we don't feed the bears. Meanwhile the panhandlers carry on unperturbed.
A larger male, bulky as a Grizzly from layers of clothes, holds up a handmade sign that reads – "Jesus was homeless too," which I don't think is technically correct, but, already belligerent, I say to my husband, "If his sign read - ‘Jesus loved wine too' – I'd give him some money. I don't care what the cops say. I'd go to jail for my right to give him money. If the sign said that." (Thinking of the four dogs we acquired once I took up homeless animals as a cause, he wisely refuses to encourage my outrage, and remains silent.)
Just when I think this moroseness will be unyielding, on yesterday's walk I see these in a neighbor's yard:
Kumquats, one of the few citrus fruits that will grow in a freeze zone. With a sour, bitter pulp and a thick, chewy rind, they are virtually inedible. Old timers will swear you can eat them whole. "Just pop one in your mouth and chew. You can eat ‘em, seeds and all," they'll say, but don't be fooled, Yee Yankee Visitor, into eating one. Yet these awful fruits bring me hope, because – miracle of miracles, bizarre beyond bizarre – kumquats are necessary to make the best pie ever! I'm convinced they're put here to remind us that January has its own charms, however improbable and unexpected.
Kumquat Pie (Improbably, The Best Pie EVER!)
You can find variations of this recipe all over the web, including kumquatgrowers.com. Some recipes call for a flour pie crust, but I think you need a graham cracker pie crust or a pretzel pie crust, something very crunchy with a hint of salt, for a refrigerator pie like this.
Also, Cool Whip is one of those products I eschew because there's a natural alternative available in the form of real whipped cream. With this recipe, however, real whipped cream creates a pie that's too heavy, with a milky/fatty mouth feel unsuited to the kumquat's unique citrus tang. This is just one of those cases – a January case – where you have to give up and go with, trusting in the outcome. Come spring, kumquats will be gone and you can blame the Cool Whip on the madness of winter.
The crust:
1 and ½ cup graham cracker crumbs
4 Tbsp sugar
½ tsp kosher salt
7 Tbsp butter, melted
Preheat your oven to 375. Combine the graham cracker crumbs, sugar and butter and press into the bottom and up the sides of deep-dish, 9 inch, glass pie pan. Bake for 10-13 minutes, or until the crust looks dry rather than greasy. Cool completely before filling. (If you want to go the lazy route, the filling will be enough for two smaller grocery store graham cracker crusts.)
The filling:
1 pint (or about two cups) kumquats
1 can sweetened condensed milk
8 oz container Cool Whip, thawed (I always forget about the thawing time)
½ cup fresh-squeezed lemon juice (approximately two large lemons)
Wash the kumquats and remove any stems. Cut them in half latitudinally and squeeze gently to express the seeds, using the tip of a pairing knife to discard. Puree in a food processor on an armageddon setting for three to five minutes.
In a large bowl, whisk the condensed milk and cool whip until combined. Whisk in the lemon juice and then the kumquat puree.
Pour into the prepared crust and refrigerate for at least two hours.
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Brunhilde
Mary Stanik
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Comments
I sure love these Bell.
Yes, December is gone away under the yesterday file.
As if it never was.
ated with hugs
I know I'm rather ummm obtuse, but I kind of like January. There is nothing looming that requires me to think of creative gifts, figure out ways to avoid cooking, :( attend gatherings I'd prefer to skip and stare at things like fabulous cream pies while I argue with myself about the calories. Now that I live in the allegedly sunny South, I no longer dread the winter months.
Lezlie
a) Without a doubt, "kumquat" is one of the most fun words to say in the English language.
b) I inherently trust every word you say, so I will simply deny, no matter the evidence, that you suggested that Cool Whip could ever be preferred over real whipped cream.
c) If you can spend a January afternoon sipping beer on your porch, with or without a rat (and with a rat is much cooler), well, let me say that it's been lightly snowing here all day.
d) I wish you had mentioned your "January state of mind" last week. A perfect solution would have been to buy me a ridiculously expensive birthday present (b-day was last Sunday). In the interest of relieving your doldrums, I will still accept your gift.
And rat time is happy time!
g*
Rita -- Now that's a Cool Whip flavor I could get behind!
Linda -- It shouldn't be over so quickly.
Bea -- Rats are very social animals. They need a lots of time with their people. I've never been a "rat person" but she needs me, and I've found I enjoy spending time with her too.
Matt -- Now you know what to do with that left behind box. It's odd how in this pie they just taste delicious, with none of the bitterness or chewy texture.
Catherine -- Morning, noon or night. I always want pie!
Owl -- That armageddon setting scares the crap out of my dogs. When they run and hide, I know I'm doing it right.
Mypsyche -- I'm a poor substitute for my daughter, but Rat puts up with me. Her favorite food is avocado and my favorite food is beer.
Lea -- I'm thinking about it. I wish I had more of my family's recipes and history. No one was big on writing anything down. I guess my kids won't be able to say that!
Sarah -- Good to know I'm not the only one feeling this way.
Joan -- I know you know what I'm talking about. When the house is quiet again (except for the squeaky rat wheel and dogs barking), it's an empty kind of silence.
Christine -- IPA is my favorite, but I ain't picky!
Fay -- How did you eat them when you were a little girl? We ate them ONCE raw and never again. I've heard of kumquat preserves and kumquat cake, but I've never tried it. The growing season isn't long enough to produce so many that we have to struggle to find things to do with them.
Sophieh -- Those Barbies are such a scam. They all look the same naked!
Oryoki -- I wish we had a Trader Joe's. No such luck. I hope the ones at Trader Joe's are sweeter than the backyard variety!
Scanner -- My bunion is acting up. Damn you January!
Alysa -- Yes, the little things help. Any sign of color and life is appreciated.
Lezlie -- I don't much mind the winter months in general (they are pretty mild here most of the time), it's just these first few weeks after Christmas. Working my way back to ordinary life takes time, though there is also a paradoxical sense of relief to be free of obligations!
Blue -- Lots of us grew up eating Cool Whip and have a lingering fondness for it. Nothing wrong with that!! I avoid it mostly because it has some not-s0-desirable ingredients in it and because, usually, you can avoid using it. (Don't they have kumquats in Texas? I would have thought they'd be all over the place there!)
Maria -- In times of trouble, many of us head for the kitchen. Feeding people is the one thing you can do when it seems there's nothing else that can be done. It always makes me feel better! Thank you for your sweet words. They make me feel better too.
Irritated Mother -- From your past post, I'm willing to bet you know your way around a kumquat pie!
Sheila -- Shows you what I know. It didn't occur to me that they grew in California. Doh! Of course they do. I think of them as a Florida thing, mostly Miami.
Stim -- Happy Birthday. I hope you enjoy the package I'm sending you. Don't shake it too much, or plug the airholes. Your gift loves avocados.
Jeanette -- Yeah, I don't think an older models go to "armageddon." And you made me laugh, the thought of that two-year-old sitting on the porch glider with a beer and a rat!
Felicia -- They are adorable fruits. I've seen them used as Christmas tree garland, or in potpourri. I gave one to Rat to see what she'd do with it. It's now pushed into a corner.
Singlegrl -- Let me know if you make the pie. It's not really "my" recipe (I wish I could claim credit -- even with the Cool Whip) but I'm happy to promote it. Even kumquats deserve to be delicious once in a while.
Kathleen -- Sea salt? Eaten whole?? You are HARD CORE!!
Gabby -- I can feel myself coming out of it. I hope you feel that too.
Now I just need Ratso to share a beer and a slice of pie with.
(you are SO getting my Bake It Forward box)
I agree w/Stim--such fun to say! And the only jam I have in my fridge just happens to be--Kunquat! Just because I saw it at our local Ocean State Job Lot (i.e. warehouse of cheap weird but often great food & other things you need or think you do). And I thought, hmmm...an adventure awaits! I will look for fresh ones...and I will use real whipped cream. Sorry, Bell...we part ways there. I've read too many ingredient labels for too many years, and CW gives me the heebie jeebies.
(R)
Greenheron -- At least it's vegetarian, right? And you can enjoy it with a rodent of your choice.
Flower -- I had to look up chinquapin!
Fernsy -- I think the homeless need a new marketing campaign. Their signs should read: "I'm not homeless. I'm a stray." with a picture of a cute puppy. Because people will give all kinds of money to puppies.
Dirndl -- Ya mean if I served you the pie you wouldn't eat it!? Awright...I get it. I read labels too. There is a product called True Whip that's supposed to be a natural alternative to CW. I can't find it here, but it's probably available in larger cities, and it would make refrigerator pies a possibility without the CW.
Theresa -- The rat is spoiled! I don't mind using the CW in this instance, because I use it so rarely (like ONLY for this pie) and because I'm pretty culinarily conscientious otherwise, but if I needed to create a refrigerator pie on a regular basis, I'd have to investigate the alternatives.
The recipe looks soooo delicious...we are caught in a blizzard, no kumquats in sight, but I can dream about them. :)
I missed this :( earlier this week. Here as soon a xmas is a recent memory we're right into the Icewine festival for three weeks, hence for me less time to read. Loved your descriptions of the roadside detrius and felt the ache with you as my girl has gone back to school too. Thankfully, nature always serves up some beauty as in the Kumquat for diversion.
p.s. rats eat avocado?
I envy you your rat time. When we were kids, my sister had a pet rat. Contrary to all expectations, Archie came to be a beloved family member whose antics we still reminisce about, 40 years later. Rats don't live long, so I hope you enjoy her while you've got her.
Grace -- You'll have to make this pie! I wish I had a kumquat tree. We're looking into getting one. I keep passing by the neighbor's tree and NO ONE is picking them!! I'm getting very frustrated.
Dirndl -- I wouldn't feed you headless shing shangs!
Linda -- Yeah. Cool Whip. Maybe this pie is the "best pie ever" because the kumquat season is so short that it makes the kumquat pie a rare treat. If we ate it every day, it might not have the same appeal.
Clay -- He's not home yet, but he should be headed our way soon...before he heads out again. I wish I could take his anchor and drop it here!
Felisa -- Rat time is very relaxing. My daughter came to pick Rat up this weekend, but I call just about every day to check up on her (both daughter and Rat).
Franish -- I've never had a pecan pie with kumquats. I'm intrigued...
Lucy - I know you survived the snow days and that you trudged your way through the snow, uphill both ways, to procure some Cool Whip or an approximation and were able to put those kumquats to good use. (There are other recipes on the kumquat growers site that look good too. If I get more kumquats I'll test them.)
Scarlett -- Rats LOVE avocado. It's her favorite favorite thing. I gave her a piece of carrot with a smear of peanut butter and she was perfectly happy with that until I gave her a piece of avocado. She literally THREW the carrot/peanut butter aside in her hurry to get to the avocado.
Sheba -- Thanks!
Maryway -- I think February will be better. There's Valentine's Day (and my daughter's birthday and our anniversary)...and the promise of spring is that much closer.
Freethinker -- I don't think key limes would work because the key to this pie is the unique texture of the rinds -- the kumquat rinds are the oddly delicious feature of the kumquat fruit -- and I don't think you'd get the same effect with lime rinds. Your grocery store might be able to get ahold of kumquats if you ask....I love that you had an adored pet rat! I'm not really what you'd call a "rat person" but rats are very social (which I didn't realize) and our Rat needs her people time. She's funny and sweet. It's been an eye-opener, interacting with her and watching her personality develop.
I have a blip of a childhood memory. My mother and I were walking down the street in my grandmother's neighborhood, and I saw little orange eggs hanging off a tree. I asked my mother what they were, and she told me they were kumquats, and that you could pop the whole thing in your mouth. I didn't really believe her, but I did it anyway, and ugh. Oh, how she laughed! Then she told me that kumquats were what she called "too much work for too little reward."
Your line about the armaggedon setting had me laughing out loud. :)
I have been experiencing something similar to your "rat time" in recent weeks. Somehow, my littler boy talked Santa into bringing him pet mice for Christmas. There are three of them...Whiskers, Crumble, and Shaun, and while they are very cute in their little rodent-esque way, they are not really my style. I'm more of a lap pet person, as opposed to pocket pets. But, we put up with them (and their nocturnal P90X wheel sessions that make the whole house shake), and I find myself making tiny mouse salads every night while I'm cooking for the rest of the family.
The things we do for love, right?
I am not a Cool Whip lover, but the three men/boys in this house could eat it by the tub.