One of my husband's long-time friends – Jimmy – has ALS, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, also known as Lou Gehrig disease. Well into middle age, he's kept his boyish appearance; he's lanky and tow-headed, with eyes that promise mischief. You have to be on your toes around Jimmy. He and his wife Pam live in another state and it's been a while since we've seen them. When we met up recently Jimmy's deterioration was shocking. His joints are coming unhinged. His fingers dangle. His jaw swings open. He's having trouble talking, eating, swallowing.
I can't look at my husband. I'm afraid if I see him struggle to hide his dismay, I won't be able to hide my own. Their grief is like a sunburn the third day in. Everyone else winces at the painful redness, but they've been through days one and two, and so day three seems remarkably better – a low level throbbing. I try to hug them with normal force. I know they don't need me to handle them gingerly, and yet I can't bring myself to squeeze hard enough to convey my affection, and instead convey my sorrow, which they graciously ignore.
My husband and I are quiet on our way home, each of us coming to grips with what we know – despite his unfailing good humor, his vast intellect, his kindness and his generosity, Jimmy is going to die slowly, awfully, and there is no purpose or sense to be made of it, no bright side, nothing uplifting or even bittersweet. We pass a large church with Gothic spires, clad in expensive stone. Its sign is regularly updated with inspirational messages. That night it reads, "Let go...and let God!" I am momentarily stunned by the shocking inadequacy of that bit of advice, the chirpy banality, particularly in light of Jimmy's condition, and what's going on in the world – Libya, Haiti, Japan.
I say, "The last time I let go and let God, the laundry piled up."
My husband says, "Well, I going to try it. I'm quitting my job on Monday."
"I'm going to let go and let Godzilla," I say. We share a laugh as we imagine Godzilla seriously pondering tricky situations and every time coming up with the same solution – Destroy!
"We're going to hell."
"You are," I say. "I've been practicing saying ‘IacceptJesusChristasmypersonalsavior.' really fast. I'm down to two seconds. As long as I have a two second warning before I die, I'm golden."
"You really are going to hell."
Probably so. I am a terrible Christian. When it comes to prayer, I'm all desperation and no devotion, very little God Bless and a lot of Goddamn. I lack patience, humility, the willingness to tithe and, most importantly, faith. That might come with time. Perhaps following a near-death experience, or after the loss of a loved one I'll have an Anne Rice-type turnaround, but I don't know if I can ever be the kind of follower Christians actively recruit. While it may be true that there are few atheists in foxholes, I'd counter that there are few Christians in rabbit holes. Faith demands a denial of chaos and confusion, belief in a plan, however impenetrable, and a blind eye to the absurd. The absurd is my craft. I adore rabbit holes. (It's telling that Anne Rice turned around again, denouncing Christianity – but not Christ – in 2010.)
If my religious views veer toward the profane and heretical, there's a reason for it. Our family tree is full of nutty snake-handlers and folks who considered "tongues" their first language. My Uncle Odie actually did let go and let God.
In1999, Uncle Odie, junkman and prophet, sold his house because he didn't want to be close to the road when the Y2K apocalypse hit. He bought a truckload of MRE's from another holy man with government connections and hid several thousand dollars in the door panels of his Geo.
Preventing the world's demise is certainly stressful, and a couple of years later he suffered a heart attack at home and refused to go to the hospital, saying he'd prayed for God to heal him and he was going to sit right there in his chair until that happened. By the time he consented to see a doctor – three agonizingly painful days later – it was too late, and in his last hours he was consumed by shame. Not shame for the years he had neglected his mother, his sister, his wife, his children while on a selfish quest for personal salvation, but for not waiting long enough for God to heal him and giving in to the pleas of Satan and modern medicine.
Then yesterday I read Glenn Beck's comments about the Japanese earthquake, how it might be a message from God, telling us we'd better follow the Ten Commandments, or else! My first reaction was anger, then I had to laugh. Glenn Beck and his ilk seem to vastly prefer Old Testament God, before God became a parent and went all soft. Old Testament God is stridently authoritative, punitive and vengeful. So...God is Godzilla? Destroy! Turns out I had the right idea all along – Let go and let Godzilla! (If you need me I'll be down a hole with Alice, getting smaller, then taller. That makes more sense.)
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Comments
These evil doers kill me with their apparently not good words.
MOST X CELLELLENT AS USUAL
I expect to see it on the front soon.
Bring on the Martinis.:)
rated with hugs
terrific piece, grand and hilarious writing. except for the terribly sad part about your friend, of course, who is facing a particularly unpleasant way to end a lovely life. here's to godzilla.
Since we are in the middle of a similar prognosis and a similar madness, I can attest that your analogy is most apt. For the moment, we are beyond tears and beyond fears, being all out of the former and unwilling to contemplate the latter.
As for the Faith, I am a Doubting Thomas with good reason, and one of those reasons is Kindergarten Kristians like Beck -- tho he is in fact a Mormon, a faith even more preposterous than Kindergarten Kristianity.
But tho I am a doubter, I maintain the hope of a hereafter, if not in the next world, then in this one. And if that is so, the Glenn Beck's and Pat Robertson's of this world will have to answer for their sins one place or another and one way or another. That is the faith I cling to.
Great post.
This piece really hits home for me. Loads of brilliance to be found here, Bell.
Preventing the earths demise is stressful indeed. Great work, pal.
Since the days of my religious upbringing, my beliefs have (d)evolved into whatever they are today. What hasn't changed is my disgust at cynical manipulation of religion. The day I saw "Jesus, CEO" in a bookstore, I wanted to hit my head against the shelf.
I'm looking forward to martinis in Hell.
Linda -- Whenever I hear them speak I think "false prophets."
littlewillie -- That is a scary thought.
Harry -- What a remarkably insightful statement. I know there are churches and religions where faith isn't so narrowly defined as it has been in my life and region (Southern Bible Belt), and maybe the onus to redefine it is on me.
Femme -- It is indeed a tragedy. They live in a different state so we go a long time between visits. I think we need to make an effort, now, to see them more often.
Tom -- I'm sorry that you're facing these same health problems and having to contemplate difficult questions. I don't want to be a Doubting Thomas merely for the sake of being doubtful -- I want those doubts to lead to further spiritual development. Like you, I hope that there is a hereafter if only so that those who do harm in the name of religion will be called to task for their crimes, which makes me more Old Testament than New, I guess and which highlights some character flaws.
Lamm -- That's a lovely way of looking at it. I hope one day to have a more positive relationship with religion, one like yours.
Fernsy -- Who knows what might have happened on 1 -01-00 if not for Uncle Odie's intervention?
Stim -- "Jesus, CEO?" Does that mean he's going to appear on the next Celebrity Apprentice? Wouldn't that be something!
Thoth -- Thanks, Stranger! Fernsy's right...
Christine -- I think the drinks are better down here.
Alysa -- It's really not my usual kind of piece. I'm not super comfortable digging into areas that are so personal. I'm glad you found some truth in there.
Matt -- Wait! Wait! There's still hope for my salvation. I might make it to heaven after all. I'm fairly young and I probably have years to make amends, especially since I'm so afraid of a smiting that I'm not leaving the house today.
Maybe Grace was right when she sang, ...
"When logic and proportion
Have fallen four feet
And the white knight's talking backwards
And the Red Queen Says off with her head
Remember what the dormouse said ..."
Sheila -- I'm glad to know I'm not the only one in religious crisis. Most everyone else seems so...sure.
87king -- Thanks for the link. I'll check it out!
Cedar -- It is awful simply to watch. I can't imagine what it must be like to experience it daily. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I'm glad you like the piece.
mhold -- We'll start an OS room! The coolest room there. "Coolest"...get it? Arrrgh. I'm so screwed.
Scarlett -- Grace is my hero. Tragedy does seem super prevalent these days, yet with the ability to keep my head above (non-tsunami water) and work my fingers across the keyboard, I try to remember how lucky I am. Even when you feel the tragedy of others at a personal level, you hold some relief back, for yourself.
You're right Belle. I try to always than my lucky stars; right now this sense is heightened.
These A'holes who profit of other people's misery are certainly the lowest lying ilk I know of. How dreadful. What's worse? They've probably never set foot in Japan.
"I am momentarily stunned by the shocking inadequacy of that bit of advice, the chirpy banality"! LADY! You have no idea how many times I've wanted to shove that phrase up someone's ass who dared to chirp it at me. Lose a child; then you'll experience the true hardship of what platitudes can do to your psyche.
GAWD! You've made me miss OS. Glad to hear from you.
I seriously laugh out loud with each of your posts: "...before God became a parent and went all soft. "
But one of my mentors Carolyn Myss, a true mystic, teaches the hugeness of God and not to worry too much about the church-missing.
On ALS: 10 years ago a good friend of a good friend got ALS. My friend created a group of people who were on a schedule to take care of her until she went into hospice. Once a week I was there either cleaning, cooking or just hanging out with her and talking. Visiting her in hospice was excrutiating: it's a terrible death. Whenever I hear that someone has ALS I cringe. God bless him.
The last time I let go and let God, my jeep ran out of oil.
I'm sorry about your friend. I hope he and his wife laugh together a little like you and Mr. Vance. You two keep one another smiling through an awful lot. Laughter can take some of the edge off.
Second, the rest. (Well, the writing here, too: "before God became a parent and went all soft" is brilliant.) . . . . I have a real hard time with religion. Not spirit or faith, but religion. And with people who use it as a bludgeon. I'm just pleased with the thought that when we're both burning, I'll finally get to meet you.
I will say a prayer for your friend. rated~
I'm a terrible Christian too. "I'll be begging you for help next time I'm in big trouble, Lord, the rest of the time, scram."
rated!
But Godzilla? I don't think the universes is destructive at core. It is at least equal parts creative. Maybe Shiva got it right.
(Are you and Christine Geary having a meet up?)
i really don't think there is a hell, unless it is one you make for yourself during your life. same with heaven. if it looks like hell, then turn around, eh? but maybe .... watching an old friend suffer and know that his future is gonna be a long drawn-out painful one, maybe that feels like hell. i expect he can read letters and would love to hear from you, the way you can make a smile come out of the seriousness and tragedy, i bet he could use a little of that ... thanks, bell.
Hope all is better there too.
Sparking -- It's so good to see you around as well! It's been a while. I know you know what grief feels like and how inadequate traditional platitudes can be, especially when delivered cavalierly, by people who don't KNOW.
Clay -- As a polite Southerner, I hate sticky topics, but I can't seem to resist going there and feeling bad about it. Glad you enjoyed the piece.
Robin -- Godzilla is THE MAN!
Deborah -- God isn't that handy is he? You're right, ALS is especially sinister, burying you inch by inch, day by day. I know you're going through a similar struggle with your husband's MS...I hope he's having more good days than bad.
Kathy -- Borrow away!
Greenheron -- Mr. Vance and I do have laughter; our shared,perverse, sense of humor has carried us through the years. And no...Glenn Beck doesn't suffer. You have to feel to suffer. Which isn't fair at all.
Lilly's -- Shunning is too good for him and his brethren, but it would certainly be a start!
Lea -- I know. The apologizing is a bad habit. I can't help myself. I see a hand reaching to clutch pearls and immediately want to make it stop.
Pilgrim -- Oh my. If I see YOU in hell...I'll look around for Ghandi and Mother Theresa.
Gail -- I've been on an absurdist kick these days. Not much makes sense.
Susie -- Thanks. Prayers of any sort can't hurt. I'm continually offended by Fox News Christianity as a brand. It's nothing I recognize.
Shiral -- Glenn Beck's rage is definitely as mindless as Godzilla's, so your bizarre vision makes bizarre sense!
Dirndl -- I was thinking of making bumper stickers...
Geezer -- I don't think so either. We overlook so much beautiful construction, simply because destruction is more noticeable.
Gabby -- The power would go to my head and I'd turn into an asshole. It's better that I type into the void.
Joan -- Wouldn't that be a hoot? To look around and go...Damn! I mean...Damn!! These aren't the folks I expected to see.
Gabby Abby -- I'd welcome an arm about my waist, as I'm as afraid falling as I'm intrigued by rabbit holes. (I think Christine was talking about meeting up in hell. But I hope it won't come to that. A beach resort somewhere is a lot more inviting.)
Diary -- Through it. Got it! I guess through it is a shorter route, and I'm lazy.
Dianaani -- I've made plenty of hells and heavens along the way. Neither one lasts. Our friend is such a funny person himself, he makes all of us laugh and for a while we forget. I have made an effort to communicate more, keep in touch.
Lucy -- It's good to see your lovely avatar in the comment section! Thanks for popping in and reading.
Lorianne -- At least our cult will have good food. Nothing like those bland Krishna meals.
Algis -- Thanks for your good wishes.
Lorrie -- Glad you stopped by and took the time to read and comment!
Hope you're great Bell.
I'm so sad about your friend. One of my good friends died of ALS years ago. Nobody deserves to go that way.
Maria -- Old Testament God was scary. I think it would be hard to sign on new believers these days without the New Testament offering something a little less fiery.
Franish -- I'm not above wishing Smite upon Glenn Beck. Bless his (cold dark) heart.
hugs -- It's been truly painful, watching Jimmy deteriorate. And of course I see myself, my future, my husband and my parents...we'll all face it, to varying degrees. I know some people find great comfort in handing things over to a higher power, and I don't wish to take that away from anyone. Any kind of comfort in the face of pain is a good thing.
Freethinker -- Your kind words are so appreciated! And, yes, ALS is an especially vicious disease. Our friend Jimmy is, still, one of the funniest people I know...and more than watching his body go, I'll mourn watching his dark and twisty sense of humor go.