I hope I never get a total on the number of hours I spend watching awful television. Utilizing that time productively I could have cured cancer with lentils (it is possible!), mastered another language, or at least learned to order off the menu of our favorite Thai restaurant without cracking up the waitress. Instead, the list of shows I've watched regularly ticks off all the danger boxes on the intake form for Imbeciles, an inpatient facility for the stubbornly ignorant.
My husband appears, hovers, over my shoulder while I'm watching television. I hate that. I don't need witnesses to my depravity. He asks, "What are you watching?"
"Cupcake Wars," I mumble, figuring out too late there's no way to effectively mumble that combination of letters.
"Ha. Ha," he says.
"Seriously. That's the name of the show."
He frowns. "Is it supposed to be funny? A funny show?"
"No," I say. "It's cupcakes and wars, together, unironically. After this, Pudding Feuds comes on."
He brings a hand up to his chest to signify an oncoming heart attack. I quickly assure him, "I'm just kidding. There's no Pudding Feuds."
He continues to stand behind me, watching, while the cupcake soldiers scurry about in a panic, arming themselves with spatulas and confectioner's sugar. The losers will be sent home to make more cupcakes. The winners get to stay and make more cupcakes. "Don't watch this," I snap. "You won't like it. It's a stupid show."
"So why are you watching?" he asks.
I take a big gulp of beer to top off the vat where lentils and language lessons should be brewing a better me, where there are only fermenting good intentions. I answer truthfully and with a ladylike belch, "Hell if I know."
There is no reason in the world I should be watching a show about cupcake bakeries. Bakeries are for eclairs and baguettes. Cupcakes are for elementary school birthday parties, as school rules prohibit cake knives – for good reason. I've never been with a large group of children for longer than an hour without thinking wistfully of hari-kari.
Additionally, in the epic battle of pie vs. cake, I march for pie. In the mismatched fistfight of creamed rutabagas vs. dessert of any kind, I pledge allegiance to rutabagas. Three lives ago I was a babushka in rural Hungary and in my subsequent lives I haven't yet adjusted to the abundance of white sugar in The America.
Creamed Rutabagas (with lots of pepper)
Regarding cupcakes, my lingering babushka distinctly dislikes swirly dollops of terribly sweet frosting atop pucks of dry cake, and the frivolity of sprinkles when so much is wrong with the world.
As so often happens in my life, once I feel comfortable taking a firm stand against something – sex before marriage, sardines, cupcakes – I'm proven wrong.
Needing to make cupcakes for the birthday party of an adult woman I call "a friend" despite her questionable taste in baked goods, I dug up a frosting recipe sent by email from another friend who swore the recipe was to die for. I didn't believe her, and I should have. It's everything a frosting should be – rich but light, creamy but not greasy, and exactly sweet enough. The first taste was revelatory, revolutionary, the shot heard round the rutabaga, signifying the end of a long civil (cupcake) war. I lost and I won. As I expired from my mortal battle wounds, I whispered, with sprinkle-studded lips: I regret that I have but one life to give...
The Ultimate Frosting
The email from my friend contained no provenance for this recipe. I have seen similar recipes for frostings that use a flour/granulated sugar mixture rather than confectioner's sugar, but the technique used here is different from those. Google brought up a jumble of confusing results. I'd like to give credit, and a medal of some sort, to the original creator, so if anyone knows his or her name, please pass that information on to me.
The original recipe calls for 1 cup of whole milk, but I rarely keep whole milk on hand – we drink skim milk; I cook with heavy cream – so I use ½ cup heavy cream and ½ cup skim milk. The recipe will work either way.
1/4 cup flour
1 cup sugar
pinch of salt (if you're using unsalted butter)
½ cup cream
½ cup milk
2 tsp pure vanilla extract (the best you can afford)
1 cup (two sticks) butter – salted or unsalted – slightly softened but not at room temperature and cut into ½ inch cubes.
In a heavy saucepan, mix the flour, sugar and salt (if needed). Whisk in the cream and milk. Whisk constantly over medium heat until the mixture comes to a slow boil and is thickened like a loose pudding, about 7 minutes.
Pour the hot pudding into the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment. You can use a hand mixer, things will just take a little longer. Beat on high speed until the mixture is cooled to room temperature and fluffy (about five minutes). Lower the speed to medium and add the butter a little bit at a time. Crank the speed back up and beat until light and fluffy. Add the vanilla and blend to incorporate. If the frosting is too loose, put it into the refrigerator for 10 minutes or until it reaches spreading or piping consistency.
Coffee Chocolate Cupcakes
1 cup buttermillk
1 cup coffee at room temperature
2 cups sugar
2 large eggs
½ cup vegetable oil
2 tsp vanilla extract
3/4 cup cocoa powder
2 cups flour
2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
½ tsp salt
½ cup chocolate chips
Preheat your oven to 350. In a stand mixer the whisk attachment, mix the buttermilk, coffee and sugar on medium speed until they are blended. Add the eggs one at a time. Add the vegetable oil and the vanilla extract. Turn the mixer to low and add the cocoa powder. Blend until everything is smooth, scraping the sides down now and then.
In a small bowl mix the flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt. Use a sifter or a whisk to make sure everything is well blended.
With the mixer on low speed, add the dry ingredients to the wet and blend until the flour is incorporated. The batter will be thin, and there might be a few lumps.
Line 2 cupcake pans with paper liners and fill each cup 2/3 full. Bake for 15-20 minutes or until they pass the toothpick test.
Makes 24 cupcakes
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Comments
Build it and they will come with these shows. I can't believe the things I've watched in the last year. Some guy fixes up loser restraurants( and he's Welsh for heaven's sake), a show where chefs have to use twizzlers as an ingredient, and some cake show where there is too some military aspect.
Add that to the fact that I have seen the housewives shows, for New Jersey and Beverly hills, and it becomes fair to just euthanize me NOW. Mix in that I avidly watch singing competitions, and the bachelor too and shooting me is a charity.
Loved this. Laughed from beginning to ..... Well, I didn't laugh at the frosting recipe. I am sure it's wonderful.
I bet you do have some Hungarian in you. Ask me why and I'll tell you, privately.
r.
In the meantime, Mr. Vance should get his butt into the kitchen, sit it down at the table, anticipate the fruits of your research, and cease with the Mr. Judgypants. God knows if I lived in your house, that's what I'd do.
I watch Real Housewives but I don't apologize. ~r
Miguela -- I guess they are an old fashioned vegetable, but to me they are like the Auntie Mame of root vegetables. Much more exciting than potatoes.
jlasthre -- The Bachelor? You poor soul.
Fersny -- I'm sure I'd love Jello Hostilities! There would be wrestling involved, of course.
Jonathan -- My Nannie and I used to watch Perry Mason. I never knew he liked cupcakes.
Jane -- Toddlers and Tiaras is on my list of transgressions as well. And I hate most frostings too. This one is different, and divine.
Greenheron -- He wasn't judging, really, he was just confused as to why I watch such things when they only make me feel cranky and guilty. If you want to fault him for something, fault him for disliking rutabagas. I can't even...
Joan -- We have a few cupcake bakeries here too. I just don't get it.
What? Hell if I know : )
HUGGGG
If reality TV shows weren't such a hit there wouldn't be so many, appealing to our rubber necking at the train wreck loving selves. Definitely have a few favorites of my own. And I am not ashamed! dammit...
Lezlie
"Through cupcakes, seemingly innocent little ‘treats,' we can project fantasies of who and what we desire to be. Instead of connecting us to others, however, cupcakes keep us separate and add to our sense of isolation. ... [C]upcakes evidence the narcissism born of the Internet by feeding us in shallow and un-nutritious ways. Similar to the way we cruise the Internet looking for bite-size and delicious bits of information, cupcakes enable us to cruise the sugary world of self-indulgence," - Paul Hokemeyer, psychotherapist.
(From the "Poseur Alert" on the Daily Dish.)
and i'm with you on the savory over dessert and not particularly liking cupcakes. except the ones from the adorable tiny shop in SF that are like eensy bites of pure heavenliness. i'm *totally* intrigued by the frosting (which i usually just leave off) recipe procedure. i may try it just to marvel at how that works. great piece, bell, as always.
Right now, I'm heavily into the HGTV and DIY channel rotations.
The beer break was awesome too. Nothing like beer before lentils..
But I love the Chocolate Coffee recipe. Done my own variation many times, with marbled cake, brownies, even as a savory rub for filet mignon.
OMoM
Today was my volunteer day. I spent it with four year olds....... five and a half hours. If I had seen this when I walked in the door, I would have been chewing the monitor!
Chicken -- But do you LOVE me?
Midwest -- Aww. Your little boy will always be a Cupcake to you. As for the paddle attachment, I don't see why it would matter, except that the paddle is the standard attachment -- so I wanted to specify you don't need the whisk attachment. It's not a touchy recipe. My daughter, who is a beginning cook, had no problem making it with her standard, cheap hand mixer, although it did take longer in the phase where you're getting the pudding mixture to come to room temperature before you add the butter.
Trig -- Why do I think those were the good old days, when that makes no sense!?
Ann -- The phrase is yours, but I bet you can come up with something funnier. (And the flour frosting is totally improbable and just amazing.)
Linda -- Cornstarch? I sent you a PM.
Asia -- No reason to be ashamed. I don't judge others for watching. So why am I ashamed? Arrggh.
Cedar -- Yeah, I think coming up with several versions of pudding would be quite a bit more challenging, and worth watching.
hugs -- I don't bake bread. So bread is magical to me. Especially sourdough. And with the time and expertise it takes to make excellent bread. Excellent bread is art. Cupcakes? Even great cupcakes aren't art.
Lezlie -- Intervention is at least informative. I don't see how Cupcake wars is contributing to society, but thanks for trying to make me feel better!
Bea -- You! :)
Sarah -- You sure you're ready to sign up for a root vegetable diet? Pureed turnip roots are on tomorrow's menu...
Owl -- I know I'm not alone in shameful watchers society. Otherwise why would they proliferate? I cook to make up for all my other sins.
Femme -- I marvel at how this frosting works too. It's strange. I like strange.
Mary -- It's easy enough to know who Snooki is...I don't need to actually WATCH the show to remain current.
Sophieh -- You'd get a pass because NASCAR is a sport. The drivers and crew train for years and years, and people die if something goes wrong. It's like actual war, in some respects. Cupcakes? Not so dependent on training and not, ever, deadly.
ccdarling -- I remember that muffin tops episode! Even if I don't love cupcakes, there's nothing wrong with cupcake trailers. They bring frivolity to a woeful world.
Razzle -- There are others I'm proud of not watching -- then I wonder how I know the titles of the shows I'm proud of not watching.
keri -- I DO like ganache. (And I'm OMG at the quote as well).
Tom -- That's why I drink while I watch. Get to the "self destruction" part sooner.
Stim -- I want to read that police report!
Rita -- Beer with lentils. Guaranteed to support longevity if not lucidity, and who can say (while on beer and lentils) which one is more important?
Erica -- Mob Wives? I wonder if they have a good cannoli recipe?
divorcedpauline -- ME TOO!! I'm a Law and Order junkie. There just aren't enough Law and Order episodes out there...and so I resort to substandard fare.
Clay ball -- I do have a pureed turnip post up my sleeve.
jmac -- I'm a Bourdain fan as well. Given his opinion of Paula Deen, I'd love to hear his thoughts on Cupcake Wars.
Jane -- My mother was a "bad" cook (I think she merely disliked cooking) and my daughter is a beginning cook, testing the waters....unsure if she wants to like cooking...and she had no problem making this frosting. If you don't like to cook, skip the homemade cake and use a box mix. Everyone will remember the homemade frosting.
Chrissie -- Ha! I don't really dislike children. Just large groups of them. In a zoo...I mean, school...environment. I actually founded and ran a humane society volunteer program for children, but they were older children in small numbers.
Scarlett -- Rutabagas are sometimes called "yellow turnips" but not because they are cowardly. I always add butter and cream. The trick to a great root mash is to boil, drain, then return to the hot pot and cook over high heat, while mashing with an authoritarian utensil, until the roots release all their water and it evaporates. Then you add the butter and cream and salt and pepper...OH MY!
mhold -- I watch the recipe shoes for you. Will you watch Jersey Shore for me and let me know what happens?
I've never watched any of those shows either. (In fact I thought the latter was a blogger here)
R♥
All right, fine, I confess. To my utter shame and degradation, I have a certain awful fascination with watching Florian Bellanger eat strange baked concoctions, and trying to read from Candace Nelson's face whether she thinks it's great or wants to spit it out. But I do want to slap Justin Willman around as Food Network's next most irritating host after Guy Fieri.
And Sardine Cupcakes have never been tried for a REASON. They would be a Weapon of Mass Disgustation. (Is that even a word? Only in the case of Sardine cupcakes.)
Pudding Feuds might have a point, especially if the contestants wrestle in it while naked. I'd watch that at least once!
rated
I bet that frosting would be killer on rutabaga cake, too.
~R~
"Regarding cupcakes, my lingering babushka distinctly dislikes swirly dollops of terribly sweet frosting atop pucks of dry cake, and the frivolity of sprinkles when so much is wrong with the world."
Only thing? I thought a babushka was a hat. Is that maybe the origin of the phrase. . . "or I'll eat my hat."?
(Oh...and once your husband retires, it gets harder & harder to watch trashy t.v. Sure, HE can watch the Military Channel & pretend it's about history even though you're going, Snipers? Again?...but try to watch E News, or Hoarders & it's like, What's that crap?)
.(¯v´¯)....☼...HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY !..(¯`(●)´¯)
. (_.^._)......ƸӜƷ
.....||..................(>)"(
I tried in vain to comment.
As soon as you posted, huh!
I got that "square" `gin dang!
I always relaunch and heehaw!
`
I saw the name "bell-weather"
I browse:
Shakespeare After All.
She clears minds/souls.
author:
Margarie Garber -
`
"To him raising sheep is earning a living
by
"the copulation of cattle," since he is required
"to be bawd to a bell-weather, and to betray a
she lamb of a twelve-month to a crooked-pated
old cuckoldy ram, out of all reasonable match"
( 3.2. 70-72 )
`
It's comparing 'cultured' city court folk and rural.
Rustic folk are pastoral and learn Nature nurtures.
My Sister has a sour-kraut German cabbage recipe.
The cake is dark chocolate with dark chocolate icing.
You make me hungry. My Sister visits today. Leeks!
Today is a Welsh Leek Celebration Day. Leek Soup!
St. David Day was heavy boozing and shut window!
Leeks and closed windows kept out the spring fleas.
Those who were short-tempered, obstinate, vulgar,
...
They were told the sad truth . . .
Henry V
`
"Hee is come to me. and prings
me pread and sault yesterday;
looke you, and bid my Leeke."
`
I think:`
`
Leak. Welsh speak strangely.
It was the day to wear Leeks.
Leeks were put on hats. Leak.
Leeks kept fleas out of pants.
`
`
I got a nice Oikos Tree Crop email.
Get 'Huron' Beach Pea. and more:
`
You can order Earth Peas & Trees.
Order Red Raspberry. Huckleberry.
Google `www`Oikostreecrops.com/
I was browsing and thought it's good\
Love your first sentence, and the ladylike belch.
Cupcakes, it seems, are the new "it." I'm not big on frosting, myself. I'll take my chocolate in a cookie or a brownie and be happy with that.
I'll pinky swear that I'm with you on the Jersey Shore and whatever that other crazy sh*t is. I mean it, let's form a club. The I'll NEVER Go There Club. Now I gotta go watch Houston Animal Hoarders, or something like that. See ya later.