I have always feared an ironic death. A vegetarian with mad cow disease. (That has happened, I think! Or fear...) More recently, there was a time when I was certain my obituary would read, "Bellwether Vance died last night after a long and courageous battle with her teenage daughter." No death… Read full post »

When my friend Mary Tom got married, her mama got into it with the caterer over the reception menu. The caterer had sniffed at the proposed menu, which included pimento cheese sandwiches.

Mary Tom’s mama told the caterer that he may have come to Mobile lately by way of New York,… Read full post »

She asked, Do you want them over easy?  I said, Nothing’s ever over easy. Her mouth turns but doesn’t smile. Her head is filled with just her things. Like all those  boxes in the hall

I wasn’t trying to make her laugh. Though I could always make her laugh. Her… Read full post »

"There’s something in the attic. I can hear it moving around. It sounds big!" my daughter says.

We have had squirrels in there before. They nibbled a hole under the eaves and slipped into the attic above our master bedroom. Like a Goldilocks gang, they drank from the child’s tea set… Read full post »

I read a lot. I read anything. Everything! These are the books that stick with me. I remember scenes, character and dialog. There are others, of course (so many!), but I picked these because they are a little unexpected and off the beaten path.

The Other Side of Midnight, Si… Read full post »

I can section my childhood by the colors of my dad’s banks. His banks. Where he worked. Back when corporate ladders could be scaled from the very bottom all the way to the top, my dad – the least-favored, middle child of a reformed bootlegger – was a repo man, a… Read full post »

Sue’s marriage fell apart and we became best friends on the same day. A St. Patrick’s Day. Maybe it didn’t happen that suddenly, but the tickets for both trips were purchased then. Planes were fueled for a long-distance flight.

That year we were new friends with daughters in the sam… Read full post »

I had lunch with three of my best friends last week. Since we’re approaching our mid-forties, we’ve been talking about milestones.

I said, "I think you know you’re a grown up when you stop opening things with your teeth." They laughed, but I was serious. I distinctly remember the f… Read full post »

I have no shortage of friends. In fact, I’d say my best talent is that I cultivate strong friendships. Some people have heirloom tomato plants. I have heirloom friends. Many from before my good haircut and fenced-in teeth. So, when I met Dr. Mary one evening at an Introduction to Sociology… Read full post »

It happened at a fast food restaurant. The proposal that was not a proposal. I was pregnant. I’m pro choice. I chose. My boyfriend said, "I guess we’re getting married." There was no bended knee, no satin-lined ring box, no upturned, expectant face waiting for an answer. We are not unwed… Read full post »

I grew up along Florida’s Gulf Coast, but my summers were largely spent at my grandmother’s farm further inland, up toward the Alabama border. June was for the butterbeans – white and speckled. Late July for the corn. Tomatoes, okra, squash and watermelon throughout.

Very early in t… Read full post »

 DON’T SCROLL DOWN! Read this first:

At the end of this year, I will have two children with art degrees. My son graduated in December of 2008, with a degree in Studio Art. He is working as a cook in a top-rated restaurant, and starting a screenprinting business in the barn… Read full post »

We have this exact same fight every three years.

In my corner: 1) You are not my crying shoulder. 2) You are not love suicide. 3) You are not the greatest fan of my whole life.

In his corner: 1) You never want to have sex with me.… Read full post »

There is an office in Tallahassee on Winewood Road, full of beggars letters. This is where we write, abandoned children, for non-identifying information about our adoptions. For an extra thirty five dollars you can register to be reunited with your kin. If they pay, and if you pay, and if dates… Read full post »

In the family album, there’s a picture of me in a high chair, with a raw oyster in each hand. Which is only fitting since we live amongst oystermen, near the harvesting fields of Apalachicola, where you will find the best oysters on Earth. Small, velveteen, supremely salty.

My winter childhood… Read full post »

Loveless is a place: A county animal control facility, a functioning Auschwitz for pets, on the edge of town.

They – the staff – do not want me here. I don’t know why I stay, except that maybe punishment of your own choosing is, in itself, a reward. These are hard… Read full post »

My brother is a fish. Silver and bronze. Reckless rather than brave, as if that matters to flesh. A show-off fish. He is fascinated by the bears that wade along the river banks. Their feet like tree trunks planted beneath the shallow water. Their claws the size of tightly closed pine… Read full post »

Dear God: Before this begins, I expect chopped peanuts for the use of "sodomite" in an unaccusing sentence.

Jesus meets me at the gates of heaven. He is magnificently robed and emanates light. His eyes are moist and gentle. He says, "Bell, you have been a faithful servant. Here is your… Read full post »

Every now and then, when I get tired of singing to myself, I like to recreate my favorite scenes from Coal Miner’s Daughter. Where Sissy Spacek, as Loretta Lynn, is singing to her babies, and then her husband Doolittle "Doo" Lynn, who is a complete asshole (at least in the movie)… Read full post »

I am afraid of everything. Airplanes, roller coasters, food dyes, poultry (alive or dead), improperly repaired chairs. I am probably afraid of beach balls. I like to blame it on my children, because once you have children you are never fearless again. They are walking aneurysms; my life could blow at… Read full post »

I was six when Baby Alive was born. I can still sing the commercial jingle:

Baby Alive,

Soft and sweet.

She can drink,

And she can eat.

Although I hated alive babies, I wanted nothing more than a fake alive baby. I begged for weeks, and I usually got what I… Read full post »

I feel weird telling this story. It’s the kind of story only your mother is allowed to tell. If you tell it, it’s braggy. "Listen to what I did! I’m a really good person." But I’ll tell it anyway. Because I am a really good person. Because I’ve also been a… Read full post »

First, the stew: Cannellini Bean and Kale Stew

1 lb cannellini beans, soaked overnight and drained

8 cups kale, thoroughly washed, stems removed and chopped into bite size pieces.

4 Tbsp olive oil

1 large sweet onion, finely chopped

1 large carrot, finely chopped

1 medium parsnip, finely chopped

1 la… Read full post »

My boss is an alcoholic. She’s late stage -- vodka. She has come close to losing her business, her home, her child, and each time has staggered back across the line to function, for a while, as a near-sober woman. Visibly worse for wear, and wearing far worse invisibly. I’ll call… Read full post »