I got it, sort of.

Raised in something resembling fundamentalist Christianity, the idea of converting to another religion seemed unthinkable. Apparently, former believers got it worse in hell than those who had never believed. Time passed and things changed, and I lost the faith of my youth.

Easter has recently proved to be a frustrating holiday as I am surrounded by loved ones who proclaim their honest love for Christ as I sit and wonder how I got into this position. They talk about Jesus as if he was serving coffee in our living room, and I see him almost purely as an unknown variable.

I believe in God, and I'm emotionally attracted to Christ as I was raised with him. That attachment exists on a primal level which I doubt can be reversed. That said, a rational analysis of my beliefs would place me near to Reform Judiasm. I began to think about converting once I could leave the direct influence of my family. As a (sometimes) practicing Episopalian, I began to wonder if I would be a more committed and faithful Jew than I would be as a Christian.

There was one problem with my analysis. I'm heartily accepted at my church as I am now. If I converted, I'd just end up finding a synagogue which is theologically liberal enough to fit with my beliefs and characteristics. Yes, it's a different religion, but I'm looking for the same thing.

At the end of the day, I want to hear that we cannot honestly fathom the afterlife. I don't want to hear cocksure confidence. I want to be accepted as I am, even with my faith being what it is.

At my church, I'm blessed with those things now. I now need to let go of this sad theological pressure which plagues me and rejoice in it. 

It's time to have a happy Easter again. I wish you the same.