Beth Mann's Blog

Beth's Urban Tales of Wonder and Decay

Beth Mann

Beth Mann
Long Beach Island, New Jersey, USA
November 11
Hot Buttered Media
I'm a writer and creative consultant. I have years of experimental comedy and strange theater under my belt. I surf. I cook. I love wine, men and song. And puppies. I effin' love puppies.

"1200 dollars? You gotta be kidding me."

"Beth, the rust damage is too extensive. If we try to fix your brakes, it will be like opening a whole can of worms. Fuel lines are rusted...calipers...its just not worth it."

"But...what will I do with it?"

"We can… Read full post »

APRIL 7, 2013 10:12AM

You and your Dumb Mental Illness


Let's say I had a highly communicable disease. Let’s we call it mondocrazyitis. This disease is so contagious that if you stood in a room with me, you might catch… Read full post »

JULY 31, 2012 10:25AM

Mentors I Haven't Met



Most of my life, I've waited for my mentor to come along. You know, that magical, mystical (and hopefully hot) elder who would gently yet firmly instruct and guide me down the yellow brick road of life.

But alas, nobody. Sure, some… Read full post »


(Originally appeared in Freedom is Green, a medical marijuana advocacy site.)

I've been a long-time fan and Internet friend of Mr. Dan Carlin, a Libertarian-leaning journalist, commentator and historian who painstakingly crafts some of the best podcasts in podcast history.

Hardcore HRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
JULY 15, 2012 6:07PM

Life, Not Like the Movies...Again




In the movies, I’m at my dying aunt’s bedside, a band of loving cousins surrounding me. I’m singing a song she used to sing with my mother and other aunts and uncles a long, long time ago. When they’d sit around the kitchen… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JULY 6, 2012 1:23PM

I Want to Be Micromanaged by Tom Cruise








I don’t have the movie star hots for Tom Cruise. I don’t even like him much as actor. He seems like a shiny little alien. But a while back, in a crowded line at the grocery store, I read about his controlling behavior… Read full post »




Okay, I had to laugh when I first saw this anti-sex trafficking campaign from the Demi and Ashton Foundation. Some Hollywood heavyweights bandied together for a cause. Not unheard of. A good publicist makes sure his or her client has a sturdy cause…

Read full post »

JUNE 5, 2012 4:53PM

The Story I Told you in Bed





So you and I were groggy, lying in bed, waking, touching one another. My thoughts were sleepily wandering from one topic to the next. I started telling you a story from my past that I never finished.

 It… Read full post »


The Good Weather Glee Club

The Good Weather Glee Club: I can't stand this rain. It's supposed to be 85 degrees tomorrow and sunny. Can't wait.

Me:'s March. I find those temperatures disconcerting this early.

The Good Weather Glee Club:  Really?? I LOVE it.

Me: Do you

Read full post »
MARCH 22, 2012 9:24PM

When you Look at Me that Way

When you look at me like that, I don't know what to do. It's too stimulating, too exciting.

For such a shy man, it's such a bold act, the way you stare. Audacious. It makes me admire you. It makes me think you're a surprise. And I like surprises.

I try to maintain… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 8, 2012 10:24AM

Lowlifes and HotSprings


A final blow to the head and he was out cold, face down, glistening drool seeping from his cracked, nicotine-stained lips. And I was the one whoRead full post »

FEBRUARY 19, 2012 6:26PM

That was the Best Funeral Ever!

Man, I was hungover on Saturday. I went surfing with my friend in the a.m. but after I came home and took a hot shower, I was done, kaput.

So when I saw that Whitney Houston's funeral would be viewable online, I thought, "Perfect, Beth Mann. You have a plan. You could… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 14, 2012 10:08AM

How John Cusack Ruined Valentine's Day for Me

When I saw the stupid scene years ago, I knew I was in trouble. Tears welled, heart expanded, etc. Romance did exist and John Cusack was living proof. Sure, it was the movies...but it could happen, right?

Say Anything came out… Read full post »

 Some musicians are a little too smart for their own good. They're not bad or anything. Just could stand a little lightening up occasionally. A little...self-serious, perhaps. This is because they "smarted the fun out of music."

WARNING! Do not defend the band to us or you'd be seriously… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 8, 2012 11:28AM

Drug Dust Fairies and Fizzy Blue Seas

I walk by the house on my way to the beach every day. It's a massive, faceless house but it overlooks the ocean. And here, that means everything.

Last week, I noticed several cars parked in the driveway.… Read full post »

It doesn't take much to excite me at this point of the winter. It's cold, dreary and desolate at the Jersey shore and I wear pajamas and my "suicide robe" (as I affectionately call it) entirely too much. Teeth are brushed only if they're lucky. And one day… Read full post »

JANUARY 12, 2012 10:05AM

Unhinging the Bitch

“The cabbage is 69 cents a pound.”

“Well, I’ll have to have someone check it…”

“You can’t just trust me on it, huh? I don’t tend to lie about cruciferous vegetables…just a rule.

“Well if I took your word for it, I’d… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 22, 2011 12:30PM

The Only New Year's Resolution that Doesn't Suck

My good friend Peter and I

Take my New Year’s resolution. Please. It doesn’t require fasting, gym memberships or less porn (shew). It’s simple, right at your fingertips and you can use it year after year.

The resolution?


Touch people more.Read full post »

DECEMBER 22, 2011 9:02AM

The Only Good Holiday Tune

[This is a repost from last year. Happy holidays, all! ]

Okay, there's actually a small handful of good holiday songs and the rest should be candy caned to death. (The rest will be revealed at the end of the piece. Don't peak.)

Do They Know it'sRead full post »

DECEMBER 17, 2011 7:24PM

7 Things I'm Suprised I DON'T Like

Because of the popularity of our last Open Call, Alysa Salzberg (of Alysa Salzberg fame) and I decided to join forces once again and compose a complementary list to 7 Things I'm Surprised I Like.

Here goes:

1. Zebras

I love animals. LOVE them. They make me believe in God and everything… Read full post »

DECEMBER 16, 2011 9:52AM

The REAL Jersey Girls

Click on funny NJ map to enlarge.

Jersey. No, not like the show The Jersey Shore. That bears no resemblance to the South Jersey existence I'm tethered to. Mine is the Jersey shore that's entering a long… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
NOVEMBER 28, 2011 2:36PM

The Evolution of a Rock Star Dream - An Online Love Story



I'm going to give away the punchline: I fell in love with a fairly well-known musician after developing an online relationship with him. Best to justRead full post »

NOVEMBER 23, 2011 7:36PM

7 Things that I'm Surprised I Like

1. Southern Rock

Musically, I never saw this one coming. Born and raised on 70's pop, I should dislike this kind of macho heavy-handed, long-jam rock whose lyrics can lean toward bigotry and closed-mindedness. But play a little Lynyrd Skynyrd, The Allman Brothers, Marshall Tucker Band or ZZ Top and ou… Read full post »

 Ruby Lawrence, one of my closest friends and co-host to 11/11/11 party.


I met Open Salon's Cartouche last year. It was as natural as the breeze. We hugged and proceeded to spend a glorious weekend in Florida together, as if I'd known her my whole life.

So strange,… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 25, 2011 4:50PM

The Ghosts of Broken Glass

The dollhouse? He broke my dollhouse too?

In my early 20’s, I naively thought someone had to hit you to constitute an abusive relationship. I didn’t know that breaking all of your shit was also a form of abuse. And that’s what Bill did.…

Read full post »