Beth Mann's Blog

Beth's Urban Tales of Wonder and Decay

Beth Mann

Beth Mann
Long Beach Island, New Jersey, USA
November 11
Hot Buttered Media
I'm a writer and creative consultant. I have years of experimental comedy and strange theater under my belt. I surf. I cook. I love wine, men and song. And puppies. I effin' love puppies.

Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 8, 2009 3:35PM

I Want to be Micromanaged by Tom Cruise

Rate: 44 Flag

I don’t have the movie star hots for Tom Cruise. I don’t even like him much as actor. He seems like a shiny little alien on Scientology overdrive. But while in a crowded line at the grocery store, I read about his controlling, obsessive behavior toward his wife Katie Holmes and I begin to wonder if Tom Cruise would mind micromanaging me as well.

The headlines claim that Katie (or Kate, as Tom would have her called now, since she’s a “child-bearing woman”) is stuck in a Cruisian prison. As I struggle to manage my many bags of groceries, I wondered how I could become a fellow inmate with Kate.

I bet you I wouldn’t have to fumble with all these bags if I was stuck in a Cruisian prison. I wouldn’t have to break out in a cold sweat as the cashier processed a credit card that’s just about maxed.

It’s easy street with Tom and me. He tells me what to eat and how many bites to take, when to bathe, what to wear, how to wear my hair. He tells me how long to sleep, who I can talk to and where I can go. When Katie, I mean Kate, pulls me aside to plan our great escape, I break free of her bony grip and run back to Tom, asking him what he wants me to do next.

He tells me firmly and with authority how to manage a number of situations in my life, like my health insurance denying my recent claims and my molar needing fixed and my car desperately requiring repair (it’s making some weird whistling sound that gets louder each day.) I ask him how I should handle the juggling act of my credit cards and overdue bills and unreliable cash flow. Tom would have the answers. Tom Cruise would know.

Of course, there’s the Scientology issue. That would be problematic. There is nothing I find more abhorrent than having some whacked religion shoved down my throat. But Tom would like the challenge. Everyday, he’d try to convert me and every day, I’d be this close to letting him. Then I’d say, “Let me think about it.” He’d remind me that he thinks for me now. Okay, fine. So I convert to Scientology. Egad. It’s what he wants! Whaddya want me to do? Who am I to question the ways of Tom Cruise?

I purposefully do things to upset him, like wearing scantily clad outfits and acting garish in public. He feels the need to lecture and punish me. Heck, maybe he even grounds me. I’ve never been grounded in my life. I think it’s high time I was grounded for a couple of weeks. Put me in my place. Give me time to think about my behavior.

Of course, I’d love this controlling behavior to translate into kinky sex, but unfortunately, it doesn’t. He withholds sex. It’s part of his master plan for me (and his whole sexuality issue…shh.) I beg, plead, cajole…but alas, I secretly have sex with my somewhat militant Cuban personal trainer Paulo instead (I have my needs!)

Tom catches me in the act and I’m back to being grounded again, this time for a whole month. I lay poolside, crying every time Tom walks by. “I’m sorry, Tom Cruise,” I sob. “I’m sorry!” He walks away abruptly and I pull out the margarita I have stashed under my lounge chair. It’s a peach margarita. Made with real peaches! My personal chef Kenneth makes them for me on the sly.

My well-managed fantasy life is ruthlessly cut short by one of my over-packed grocery bags breaking open as I leave the grocery store. The contents spill all over the icy cement. Of course, the effin’ eggs have to be in that bag.

As I chase rolling eggs around the parking lot, I look up to the heavens and whisper, “Tom Cruise, help me now. Please!” And you know what? He appears by my rusty 1990 Toyota truck with that eerily dazzling smile of his. I begin to cry with relief. He says, “It’s over. The struggle is over. I’m here now.”

A bodyguard grabs the bags from my arms and leads me into the passenger seat. Tom takes the keys from my coat pocket and starts the car. The whistling sound is gone. It’s gone! Tom Cruise’s mere presence has fixed my car. As we drive home, he tells me to cross my legs. I look like a slut, he says.

My pleasure, Tom Cruise. My pleasure.

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LOL! He can do to me whatever he wants to!! There is a rumor, he likes boys anyway!
This is hilarious, Beth. But does it have to be Tom Cruise?! Really? Couldn't it like be anyone other than Tom Cruise?
LMFAO at this! But would he let you write on O.S.?
I think this is the best post I've read on OS, to date. Kudos!
Ha Ha Ha! "I'm sorry Tom Cruise!" Snort cough sputter giggle pee a little in my pants! "I'm sorry!"
You make life worth living. Just sos ya know.
You made me twinge for him, something about a whole Cruise ship. I never thought i would have feelings like that for the man. eeuw.

well done.
Laugh, jesus Beth, convince me to get a root canal next- I really need one of those :D
This is one of the funniest columns I've read in ages, Beth!
I hope my blog doesn't make me sound like I'm attracted to him, Michael Rodgers and Brakajima. Oh contraire. I'm decidedly unattracted to him. My movie star crushes are far more strange. I like Michael Moriarty (Ben Stone) from the early years of Law and Order, for instance. Donald Sutherland. Malcolm McDowell. All crushes. Tom Cruise...eek, no.
What a great read at the almost-end of a long day. Thank you! (but, watch the Scientology thing! No good will come of that!)
Extra funny.
So funny! I wouldn't mind the movie-star treatment myself once in a while! Thumbed.
When they do the OS anthology, this'll be in it.
I find this first rate in subject matter, style and humor. Thanks for your good work.

Thank you Beth Mann, for a 4.15 giggle at my desk. I'm sure he would find your portrait of him as The Svengali Life Coach both glib and reprehensible.

Which only makes me laugh more.
This link is going out to friends.
"He seems like a shiny little alien on Scientology overdrive." Best description of him I've seen yet.

I love your writing, Beth. Sly irony. Really funny.
It says something about the Merican public that he is as successful as he is. Nice Beth.
this is hysterical, i think i just convered to bethtology!
I've despised the man ever since Risky Business. Does anyone else get the urps when they hear that deviated septum delivery of his?

But if he could micromanage my life just long enough that I could write a nice long book (with a fat advance) about it afterward, I'd be fine with that. I think you're on to something here.

And on a side note, you have a special talent for being very readable and quite funny. I really enjoy your posts, even when they aren't funny.
Remind me never to be a famous movie star...
-- I look up to the heavens and whisper, “Tom Cruise, help me now. Please!” -- HA! I'm gonna try it...
(P.S. I love your all of your stuff. I'm composing an email of adoration, might take a while)
This is so funny...not a word placed wrong and comedy is the hardest thing to write other than poetry. At least for me. And to think that Katie Holmes was once a good actress and a thinking person. I've interviewed her a couple of times and she was remarkably unaffected. But money talks....
well, that was JUST what I needed before wrapping up this gawd-forsaken day and calling it a night. THANK YOU!

Now let's go and rescue poor Katie and pry that bottle out of Suri's hands.
There are days, whether you are a man or a woman, that it would be nice to just have somebody who has their shit together be the boss of you.

I am unfortunately, my own pointy haired boss every damn day. I should give myself a raise, but we are having cash flow issues at the moment, and I just increased my I gotta go.

Thanks for the laugh.
Wheeeeeeeheeheeheeee! This is hilarious!

hilariously excellent, excellently hilarious
OMG I love this so so much. Can I come and live there, too? It could be like Big Love. I'm sure Tom Cruise could handle 3 wives! I have a broken tooth and my house a/c isn't working and I'm sick of working (at work!) and someone hit and ran my car today and most of the time, I can't bear the thought of making another decision. But Tom Cruise could make them. Would make them! Can make them! Ahhhh, dreamland Beth. You've made my day!
I'm with you. Cruise gives me the creeps. But I have a strong desire to relinquish responsibility. My significant other and my son keep threatening to have me committed to the state mental hospital, but they are all talk. Me? I'm looking forward to it. Please. Lock me away.
"It's a peach margarita. Made with real peaches!" This whole piece is so funny that I'm JEALOUS! A perfect piece of writing! And I SO get the Donald Sutherland's the voice, I think. Soothing yet with a hint of sexual threat...the GOOD kind of sexual threat. I had a boyfriend once who was deeply flawed, but had Donald Sutherland's voice. Also, when my husband has a cold he sounds like Kris Kristofferson.
This is hilarious but, not Tom Cruise! Poor Kate.
Fuck! You have just made Tom Cruise sexy.....

Well..for a millisecond...

....and I'm a big pervert anyway..

Genius...thumbys and friendied....
Can I be micromanaged by Gabriel Byrne?

That's too hot to even contemplate, really.

I read that women who are having their period like men who look effeminate, like Tom Cruise, but between periods prefer hunks like George Clooney. (Or was it the other way around?) Anyway, George Clooney doesn't even marry, nevermind take his wife hostage. But think about it. It's your daydream: is Tom Cruise good enough for you?
Hawley, you are right on! Tom Cruise is not sufficient for my fantasy. I'm much prefer it to be this well-known musician I used to love...but he's married. I guess in my daydream, he doesn't have to be married, does he? I know I'd want to be his only Katie Holmes.

But this piece was a weird little dedication to him. Wish he knew!
Can I have Paulo's cell number please? Please?
"I'm much prefer it to be this well-known musician I used to love..."

Hmmmm.... An unnamed musician who is the control freak equivalent of TC... I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess Sting.
Very nice. Change Tom Cruise to Nicole Kidman and I am soo there. I too would need grounding, me thinks.

I've always envied woman for that fact that their fantasies are so much better developed than ours. I picture someone I think is hot and... well, that's pretty much it.
Some of the best writing I've read on this site. Funkily conceived and wonderfully realized. I want to write like you!
Zip-bang! Commenting in the year 2012 and so much of what you wrote in '09 is downright prophetic about Katie, I mean Kate, plotting an escape. This is really perfect...I am sharing it.
Zip-bang! Commenting in the year 2012 and so much of what you wrote in '09 is downright prophetic about Katie, I mean Kate, plotting an escape. This is really perfect...I am sharing it.