Beth Mann's Blog

Beth's Urban Tales of Wonder and Decay

Beth Mann

Beth Mann
Location
Long Beach Island, New Jersey, USA
Birthday
November 11
Title
Presidente
Company
Hot Buttered Media
Bio
I'm a writer and creative consultant. I have years of experimental comedy and strange theater under my belt. I surf. I cook. I love wine, men and song. And puppies. I effin' love puppies.

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 26, 2009 12:51PM

The 16 Most Overrated Sexual Acts of All Time

Rate: 181 Flag

 

 
crazy-cabbie-caveman-dragging-woman-by-hair-in-hoboken

 

 

Oh yes, baby…yes!!

 

These acts seem like a good idea at the time. Until someone loses an eye. Not so sexy anymore, is it?

So think twice and think hard before you attempt the following:

1. Sex on the Beach
Sure it looks great in the movie but in real life, sand enters crevices you didn’t know existed. Temperatures vary. Mosquitoes bite. God invented beds for a reason. Even the cocktail named after it sucks.

2. Sex in Watery Places
Taking a shower with your lover should be sexy but there’s a constant power play going on. Who stands under the showerhead and for how long? Then there’s that awkward changing of positions.

Or how about hot tubs with chemicals and lord-knows-what swirling in and out of you? Natural lubrication is washed away, making it not always the most comfortable experience (just being honest).

3. Porn Style Sex
Porn sex is the extreme sport of sexual acts. Lots of head tosses, loud moans, frenzied flesh pounding. Getting banged hard and repeatedly has its perks, don’t get me wrong, but women lose sensation from too much slamming. (Men take note.)

It also feels like more of a performance than a sexual act. Like you should hear sideline cheers or the clang of a ringside bell when you’re done.

4. One Night Stands
Okay, I’m not throwing out the baby with the disgusting hot tub water. The occasional one-night stand can be just what the doctor ordered. But usually there’s too much drinking involved and the high probability that you’re going home with someone who will seem quite different when the morning light and boozy spell of delusion has worn off.

5. Orgies
Orgies are a little too diplomatic. You can’t just say, “Get your damn hands off me, dude. But you over there, come to mama.” There can be hurt feelings, big bellies and overall 70’s pervy weirdness.

Besides who holds orgies anymore? Didn’t they fall out of vogue when Rome collapsed?”

6. Sex Involving Food
Some guy blindfolded me once and poured hot fudge all over me. It got all over my new sheets and blankets. I could’ve killed him. (Now had he fed me a hot fudge sundae prior to sex, that would have been hot. Pillows covered in chocolate? Not so hot.) 

7. Drug Addled Sex
Drugs make you feel like the Superman of sex. Unfortunately they can also be your kryptonite. Trying to have an orgasm on drugs is like a mirage in a desert. You keep reaching for it. You want it soooo bad, but…you…just…can’t…get…it.

8. Sex in Tight Quarters
This would include cars, bathroom stalls and coffins. Ultimately sex needs a little breathing room. And cars can have stick shifts—you can only imagine the dangers there.

9. Sex with a Really Hot Person

Hot people are notoriously lazy in bed. Just ask Nicolai in Paris, who had everybody’s head turning. I was so excited when we finally were in bed together but he soon assumed this corpse-like position, as if to say, (in a French accent, of course) “You are lucky to have me. Now do what you may. I am sleepy. I am pretty.’”

10. Sex involving Clothes Ripping
Every once in a while, the caveman routine works. But most of the time, I think, “Ass, you just ripped my good shirt. Ass.”

11. Sex Involving Cameras
Two words: INTERNET. ETERNITY.

12. Sex on a Waterbed
A little dated at this point, but man, what a design backfire. The whole raison d’etre behind a waterbed was hot sex yet it eluded you at every awkward oceanic turn.

13. Tantric Sex
This is when white people do a lot of hair stroking and face-cupping. And scented candles. No thanks.

One guy I was with prided himself on never coming. He called it a circular orgasm or something ridiculous. Cut to 4 am when I finally said, “Hey there, remember me? There’s a person underneath you who needs some sleep.”

14. Sex with a Large Member
Yes, size does count but the all-female jury (or the four friends I polled) declared that width counts more. A really large penis limits positions (“Ouch, that hurts. Not that way!”) And bladder infections are never sexy.

15. Sex with a Rock Star
Well, first there's the height factor. It’s a well-known fact that rock stars are 5 feet tall, tops. There’s also the ego element [see Sex with a Hot Person]. Interestingly, rock stars are fantastic masturbators due to their extreme self-involvement. You can leave the room in the middle of it all, make yourself a sandwich, watch TV. Good chance you won’t be missed.

16. Sex with the Legal but Young
Young guys can be pretty clueless…but you know what? So can many of their more “mature” counterparts. It all comes down to tuning into someone. “Getting it on” instead of one person “getting off”. If you can do that, age doesn’t matter. And if you can’t, then getting older probably won’t help.
 

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It's a must read and rated. But then I slow down for accidents on the highway too, because I don't want miss anything. Number 14 was particularly reassuring to me and 99% of the male population.
"“Orgies are a total free-for-all and a little too diplomatic for my tastes. You can’t just say, ‘You get your hands off of me. But you, come here.’”

EXACTLY.
Great post! I was literally saying to myself just a few minutes ago... "I'm bored. We need another Beth Mann post!" And here it is!

What I've found that I find interesting in the sexual department is reading about other people who do stuff I would never do. It still doesn't make me want to do it--just happy that they're doing it and not me. If that makes any sense.
“Two great tastes that don’t taste great together.”

Brilliant....and AAAAAAMEN.

I agree with every single one of these. I wish everyone would quit pretending it's otherwise.

That and James Joyce. Can we all agree its a collective hoax?

(and the Pretty People thing is so spot on...incredibly, alarmingly gorgeous men are useless as anything but eye candy...give me straight up wholesome handsome or uglysexy and I am in heaven, but 1980's era Baldwins?...forget it.)
Oh, that was hilarious!
Gonna have to disagree with #13, though. Some magical tantra-- in moderation-- is pretty damn hot.
Incredible collection of comments. great post.
Excellent list and number nine is true....they don't think they have to work as hard, you should be able to get off by looking at them. I would have to add Adultery to the list. AIDS will kill you slowly, but a pissed off husband or wife will kill you quickly!
“Every once in a while, this caveman act works. But most of the time, I think, ‘You ass, you just ripped my good shirt. Ass.’”

Perfect.
I want to rate this a million times. Once just isn't enough (and that's not an innuendo). I've had much of the sex you describe and you are absolutely right (and hysterically funny - I have to come up with a new word for things I find very very funny, but it just fits here), with perhaps the exception of good marijuana-fueled sex, which I recently rediscovered. You MUST, however, be attracted to the guy and wanted to have sex with him before you got high. Getting high just makes it amazing (but I'm not promoting getting high every time! Just special occasions).
I had what some guy told me was "tantric" sex, during which he was panting like a dog who's just played an hour of frisbee, as he told me this would heighten the orgasm. At his insistence, I tried panting too. Then I started to cough. Then I started to laugh. Then I got out of bed and made a sandwich. I'm not 100% sure he came - I was in the kitchen.
I once walked in on my roommate in college having sex with his girlfriend on a waterbed. MY waterbed. Needless to say, there wasn't enough bleach in the world to get that image out of my head. So...much....sloshing.
Oh my god, I can't stop laughing. And relating.
Rated, rated, rated.
Great post! Adding 5,9, 11-13, 15 & 16 to my Bucket List.
#14 - ouch.
This is one of those things that should be included in sex ed, in my opinion. I'm really glad you said all this stuff, because when I think it to myself, I feel like a big party pooper.
Not much to say, other than "Word." to this entire post. Sex in the shower is #1 on my list of "Yeah, sounds sexy, but totally isn't" sex acts.
Wanna hear something funny? I sometimes make easy to tear clothing for people. Simple, loose stitches, etc. I'm just here to help the kink community.

Modern fabrics are hard to tear.

If someone tore something I loved....he would be in pain shortly.
Highly entertaining and very accurate list. I am in agreement with dcv dickens, nothing wrong with marijuana fueled sex as a special treat now and then. Other drugs? Not so much, but not keen on other drugs at anytime, outgrew them twenty years ago.
Sex in the shower is definitely overrated. But taking a shower together before sex as foreplay, and also as a way to insure your partner is "clean" in the event of a one night stand, is priceless.
Perfect. Beyond perfect.
Loved, loved, loved beginning of #13. Busted out laughing.
Have a few things to add but I'm rather new to OS and feeling shy.
I'll, um, slip it in somewhere later.
Uber rated.
Bethm where was I when these contributions were made, and who are the contributors?

When I was dating as a young girl, making out without resolution came close to tantric sex. Girls loved it but the guys were hurting.
Good stuff, although the coffin thing kind of freaked me out.

Rated.
this is brilliant!!! i would only add sex with a siamese cat lying between you and refusing to move. love love love.
Where's the felching? I thought that was the direction this post was gonna go.

I agree with most of these (esp sex in water - uh hello, water washes away lubrication, too). but don't knock tantric sex until you've been with someone who really knows what they're doing. (Most people saying they're having it have no clue.) And it's not something that lends itself to casual encounters. It's something to do with someone you love and want to savor.
I'm a recovering Catholic.... I kinda always wanted to have sex in a confessional... but on second thought... maybe not.
This was phenomenally funny and spot on on almost all. I think sex in a tight spot (rim shot), erm, tight quarters is fine on a rare occasion if it's a tiny bit dangerous and just for fun. Wouldn't want to head for a linen closet every time. GREAT list and well explained. Loved the rock star thing. You could apply that to most actors too. Rated
I'm not sure who you interviewed for this, but thank God for them. Now I don't feel so unadventurous. This needs to be required reading for both sexes. Excellent, Beth!
"overall 70s pervy weirdness." That phrase alone caused me to rate, let alone the rest of the stuff you collected.
You know the really sad part is how many of these I've done.

Got to say #9 is bang on - I was once lucky enough to walk out with the prettiest man in the room, a professional bathing suit model - and boy was he a jerk in bed! Not only lazy but definitely not "vanilla" in his tastes and he had a real sense of entitlement to his kinks. I get the feeling not too many women had ever said no to him.

The other bad thing about hot tub sex is that I once had a guy pass out from the heat...
Allie, on number 9 I think the looks thing is secondary to the ego of the person. My wife is gorgeous and well, I won't elaborate but it doesn't hold true for her. I'm sure the French thing had something to do with it. I could see Antonio Banderas (no offense to him, just chose him as he seems kind of macho) saying like Zorro "here is my sword, come sit upon it!" :-D
Very funny, rated of course. Sandra knows about orgy sex? She's got a new fan!
Sex with a Really Hot Person

My best male friend, Tom, had the best comment on this one I've ever heard. He hated getting blowjobs from beautiful women because they were always more worried about messing up their hair and makeup. He said that the ugly ones were way better at it:)
Pretty much spot on! I'm so stinkin' amused right now! Kind of Blue's comment of, "saying like Zorro "here is my sword, come sit upon it!" " made me snort.

Here is my sword indeed ...
Well, where was I when this questionaire was passed around? Fabulous post but man/Mann, do I have experience in these matters and have you givien me some thought-food for posts of my own.
All in all you're probably right, Beth. But push come to shove (no puns) I'd do 1, 2, 6, 7, 10 and maybe 5 again.
i was cracking up because pehaps what is more telling is what you don't list. i get you. you little devil.call me(kidding).
"the olympics"???

this whole thing is so funny i spilt my seeds. sunflower. in a dish to the right of my keyboard. seriously.

then it came to me, as it were, the joke of it.

Here's another joke:

A woman goes into a bar and says to the bartender "give me a Double Entendre". So he gave her one.

(ba-dum-tsh)
Still laughing... and at dcvdickens comment, too. great work.
Rated . . . but I MUST comment about # 10. I have a rule with my Hubby, the only thing he can rip off of me is undies, :) For me, that NEVER gets boring, I love it. LOL
L-O-L! Thank you for this roundup. Hilarious, yet some fantastic perspective!
Well, I'm now fully aware I'm a grown-up. I've done every single one of these and most of them make me roll my eyes now. But I have to agree with dcvdickens on the pot. Certainly not necessary but really awesome when it happens! And the rock star wasn't exactly famous but toured with a hair band. Oh geez, I gotta Google him now....
Beth

Yeah, that is a great photo ... Perhaps you could have added, as #17 - Gross Threesomes - Outdoor Sex with Caveman (weilding a "big" club), including hair-pulling, and his scary monster friend ... So One Million Years B.C ...

Peace
JTD
True. except for some tantric, in my experience. Yes, Virginia, there is such a thing as too big-and too tiny. When there's food, there's "cleanup on aisle 13!"
I lost one of my only good dress shirts when my girlfriend decided to play Hollywood and tore all the buttons off. Thanks a lot Kathleen Turner....
Great and funny list.
I tried video sex once, years ago. The act itself is nothing different, but...
Video camera 499.00
Blank tape 3.99
Close up of my pecker filling a big screen TV - Priceless.
I still, sometimes, pause to reflect.

Consider this post masturated.
All the things mentioned are glamorized in movies and take their palce in the mythology of "WHAT'S HOT" that so many inexperienced people come to believe is proper. Expectations are always squashed.
Great funny post!!
oh what fun this was reading today!! Very creative. I sometimes think OS is better than any blog site out there. Very entertaining posts and comments too! Thank goodness I gave up watching mainstream media. Thanks for the post!
Ladies, PLEASE reread #9.


Then maybe I can get laid.
Beth. This is a good one and brings back many memories - one in particular.

"“It works in the movie but in real life the beach is sandy, the temperature unpredictable, the mosquitoes, the jellyfish, the police"

Agreed. My wife and I tried it on a deserted beach (Leucadia, CA) one time. But one HUGE problem. We chose a site much to close to the water's edge and hadn't been smart enough to check the direction of the tide. Just as we were about to go from here to eternity, we wre engulfed by a goddamned, merciless wave.

I've never, before or since, been so damned mad at Mother Nature. I was so pissed off, I wanted to emancipate myself from that bitch. I still hate her for that, 34 years later.

RATED for failed attempts
The coolest sex video of all time:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU

13,715,942 people agree. The Wisdom of Crowds.
Oh Bobby G... too hilarious!! loved the video
Large member of what?
1. Sex on the Beach – sex and sand are like oil and water
2. Sex in Watery Places – showers are for before sex
3. Porn Style Sex – never try to compete with professionals
4. One Night Stands – The pleasure is usually negated by the morning after
5. Orgies – never done it, never had any interest in it
6. Sex Involving Food – crackers in bed
7. Drug Addled Sex – alcohol can turn a 4 into an 8
8. Sex in Tight Quarters – I’ve had Kharmann Ghia sex
9. Sex with a Really Hot Person – I’ll take my chances
10. Sex involving Clothes Ripping – no thanks
11. Sex Involving Video Cameras – absolutely not
12. Sex on a Waterbed – only if you’re into seasickness
13. Tantric Sex – Oh, I thot you said Tantrum Sex
14. Sex with a Large Member – Wrong plumbing
15. Sex with a Rock Star – As a 6 feet tall former small-time rock star, au contraire
16. Sex with the Legal but Young – Hey, Nineteen
As an addendum to porn sex, I guess that I'd add fetish sex and that would include latex, bondage and "plushies", ( they like to dress up like cuddly animals ). I have no personal experience with any of this it just always seemed to me that if you find yourself wearing a ball-gag while brandishing a riding crop whilst your "partner" is tethered from the ceiling, trussed up with nipple clamps and wearing latex bermudas with a vibrating butt-plug, you have to ask yourself whether or not the spontaneity hasn't gone out of your love life.
Oh yeah, and great post, by the way.
You forgot sex in a sleeping bag. Man, sex in a sleeping back sucks. Well, maybe not in a double. But in a single, it sucks. Might as well climb a tree and do it.
Too damn funny.

I think laughter is as good as orgasms.

I'm smoking a cig now!

Thanks! That was great!
That was hilarious.

And the stuff about rock musicians ... completely true.
My husband is wondering what's wrong with me as I shoot soda out my nose from laughing!
The only addition I would make is to combine any 2 (or 3) of the above and you're in for a REALLY awful time!
OK, I guess I'm the odd one. I've done many of these things and have greatly enjoyed them. Some of the best sex I ever had was in a swimming pool. Whipped cream used lightly can be enjoyable but chocolate shell doesn't work as well on body parts as one would hope. I admit that I don't like having my sheets covered in some sort of goo so I try to use certain things sparingly. Sex on a waterbed admittedly got me seasick. I've had some incredible tantric sex but also had a guy go into seizure because he had tried the method of holding his bodily fluids. He admitted learning to do that really ruined sex. I admit watching him frothing at the mouth put a damper on the evening. Porno style sex? Hey, I like a little drama in bed sometimes. It can be sexy. I had sex with a guy who thought he was really hot (he was English and had that whole accent thing) but it was boring beyond belief. He acted like he was doing me a favor by having sex. Um, dude, I'm the chick and you're they guy. Penis is free, pal.
I loved this list and absolutely funny, funny, funny.

As an addendum to the hot tub experience: if you drink while you are in the hot tub, especially a warmed alcohol like saki, chances are very high that you will vomit in the next 1/2 hour. Not exactly a turn-on.

I briefly went out with a rock musician. Never have I met someone as narcissistic and megalomaniac as he. First time after we had sex, after 'the act', he put his clothes back on and left! Whoa!
RE#14:

I'm not saying one thing or another about the veracity of this. I'm remined of an experience however, that revealed to me just how American is the idea that bigger is better. I was riding the SE4 train from Ha Noi to Sai Gon last summer when I found myself in a dining car at night drinking rice wine and 333 with the men of a family travelling to a football match somewhere in the central highlands. The grandfather was a Vietnamese expat who lived in Michigan and had made a fair dollar in the manufactoring of drill bits. Anyway, we all drank and drank and at some point the grandfather asked me if I wanted to marry his sister, who was apparently quite a bit younger than him.

"You like Vienamese women?" He asked me.

"Sure," I said. At that point I was drunk, in love with idea of it all, and not really thinking straight. Anyway, we arranged a meeting in the city the next day. Soon enough though, he seemed to remember something he'd forgot to discuss earlier, something of great importance.

"Let me see your cock." All the men started laughing, but he was serious. "Let me see your cock," he said.

"What?"

"Grandpa, leave it alone," came the voice of the teenager I'd been giving advice on the foriegn exchange ESL test.

"He's drunk," said the boy's uncle. "Don't worry about it." But grandpa wasn't finished. He grabbed a coke bottle. He grabbed a plastic cup. He put his finger in the mouth of the coke bottle.

"Vietnamese cock fits Vietnamese pussy," he said. "You," he pointed toward my crotch, picked up the plastic cup, and pushed it up against the rim of the bottle. "No fit. Too big." Everyone broke out in roars of laughter. "Never work," he said. I wasn't sure how to respond. Don't belive the stereotypes? He surely would have wanted evidence. Anyway, he shook is head, ordered another round, payed the bill for us all, and headed off to his sleeper.
Really hot people are notoriously lazy in bed.

People who THINK that they're "all that" are nearly as bad - and you enjoy the experience far less.

And Food + Sex? Eeeeew.

Thank you for the opportunity to vent.
Glad to know I'm not missing anything by not having sex with rock stars. This was a fabulous post.
Oh, Beth, I had way too many of those encounters in....

Barnegat Light

Loveladies

Surf City

Ship Bottom

Beach Haven

Beach Haven West (don't ask)

Manahawkin (I went to Southern)

Rrrrrrrrrrated! cuz we're shore chix!
terrific post as usual...and i'm glad that sex in a public place was not included on the list...the sheer naughtiness... the danger of getting caught...the memories still so fresh and exciting 25 years later

hey, eyes on the road mr city bus driver!!...nothin to see back here!!

you perv!
Sex with food is so overrated. As a guy, I would rather not have to get up as I'm ready to go to sleep to shower chocolate off my body.
Oh rock stars aren't THAT bad. I'll take one over a writer any day.
the sex with hot people and rock stars are great... and its true about hot people..they think they are so perfect they dont even need to do anything to be good in bed..
Sex in any location where the lights are bright enough to perform surgery: no thank you very much. Showers typically fall in that category. M. Chariot prefers the mood lighting.
Right on about the pretty guys. Great list - AND we have the same 11-11 birthday! Rated.
Amazing and true list, Beth, and I mostly agree about pretty boys -- except for M. Chariot.
Is there some Puritan revival going on that I don't know about?
#14 with a polite, cooperative partner works (gay male here) and #9 works too, state of mind depending...
typo: #14 with a polite, cooperative partner works (gay male here) and #7 works too, state of mind depending...

#9 is true too though, lazy c*nts
Everyone of the 16 are either overrated or unknown to me. Very good post... funny and on the money.
I can't believe 69 isn't on this list. Maybe it looks spectacular, but it's the most unsatisfying, distracting, irritating sex act ever.
heehee i love this list. all true!
Great list. I will say that the waterbed idea can work depending on the bed. Full wave is tough, I'll give you that. Oh memories... lol.

Also, the young but legal is a great point. But unfortunately, us men are dealing with about 100k years of evolution on that one. Old habits (and I do mean "old") are tough to break.

I've always enjoyed a little weed-buzz during sex. So I sort of disagree with that one.

Signature: Adult Toys almost always make sex more fun.
Out and out hilarious! And so, so very, very true.
Knee slapping hilarious. Please, do a list of overrated sex positions - start with 69.
Great post! But, I have to agree with Chronica. I kept waiting for 69 to pop up on the list. Can't focus on you, can't focus on them. Too much going on for my single-minded brain.
"Oh rock stars aren't THAT bad. I'll take one over a writer any day."

Amen. As a writer, I can say that as a whole we are self-absorbed, whiny little bastards who just may broadcast our sexual encounters with ex-lovers in blogs and books. When we do, the ex-lovers are generally described just well enough to be recognized by associates. All in all, not a real good deal.

"I can't believe 69 isn't on this list. Maybe it looks spectacular, but it's the most unsatisfying, distracting, irritating sex act ever."

Especially unsatisfying if the pre-sex shower has been neglected by either partner. I have to say though, a clean 69 can be a wonderful experience for those of us who love to give head as much as we love to get it.
Thoughts of an old man:

1. This can be mutually painful when the sand moves indoors!
2. Nothing wrong with a shower, but a hot tub? Any guy who trys
this can tell you there is something unique about sliding into a
wet cool pussy.
3. Well, if you're making a home video, you can put on some porn
and set the mic by the tv,,,, instant professional soundtrack!
4. Sometimes when you get sober it seems to be the reasonable
course of action!
5. Just make sure you don't do your best friend's wife. They never
forgive you.
6. One of the easiest ways to get laid is taking a lady to dinner!
7. Hey! You're going to tell a 63 year old man he can't use drugs
to enhance his sexlife???
8. Good thing I read the description. I thought you meant this
little petit gal I dated in my 30's!
9. I guess it kinda depends on whether you think they are hot
or they think they are hot.
10. My ass usually rips pants not shirts.
11. See number 3.
12. Before the first time I was worried about getting seasick.
But the main problem was staying in the boat!
13. At my age it's all tantric, but my wife calls it gallant.
14. Well, if that's true, I guess I'm in luck!
15. Not likely to happen. But I once got a woodie thinking about
Linda Rondstadt.
16. One out of two ain't bad!
Hmmmm! At my age any of it sounds fun!
rolling with laughter, finished reading but just thinking of 3, 10, 13, 15 makes me laugh some more, wd remember this for a long time ... and posting link to friends, thanks.
This was great. I especially agree about waterbeds. (Just from sleeping on one, I mean. Um...) They are the devil.
I have to agree completely about the shower thing. I tried it with a college boyfriend. So awkward; we each ended up annoyed with the other due to accusations of hogging space. I've never done it on a beach, but I would add "anywhere outside, especially in summer". Call me boring and conventional, but pine needles and bug bites in sensitive places are not hot.

As for sex with beautiful people, in my case I've been lucky to have slept with a number of guys I considered gorgeous. Thing was, none of them thought of themselves as mind-blowingly beautiful. They knew they were attractive, but did not see themselves as any better than they rest of the population of average-attractive mortals-next-door. So they weren't egomaniacs and understood that sex is a collaborative effort, not their natural reward for being beautiful. Maybe this is because my idea of "gorgeous" is somewhat particular and unusual (slim, olive skin, big dark eyes, slightly-larger-than-average noses, pretty puffy lips--yummy), so the fellows on whom I bestow that label haven't gone through their lives applying it to themselves? I dunno. Thinking about this and the "Sex with Rock Stars" part, I wonder if the two shouldn't be combined as "Sex with Entitled Egomaniacs and Narcissists", because that seems to be the root of the problem. Sorry if somene else has already suggested this; I did not read all comments.

The size thing. I've always had a problem, er, accomodating larger guys. This can result in a lot of awkward changing of position, breaks in the action, and embarrassed hand-wringing on my part. If we need to stop every few seconds because it hurts me, we both lose the mood after awhile. I'm not into the stretchy, burny feeling, and unless he's the kind of guy I don't want in my bed at all, hurting me like that is going to turn him off. I somewhat get annoyed at guys who express too much size anxiety, especially before the act (and I've had this happen--an otherwise perfectly sensible ex asking "Do you think I'm big enough for you?"). Straight/bi guys can think of it this way-- it's a little like when the girlfriend whose curves you think are so wonderfully hot complains incessantly about how fat and whale-like she is. I'm like, "Please, honey, we'll both be lucky if it turns out you're merely average." The best sex I ever had was with a guy on the small side of average, who was confident and attentive and voiced no anxiety whatsoever about his length or girth. Apart from that, I'm more of an ass woman, so that's the first place I look when the clothes come off.

I'll also agree about the porn-imitative sex. I don't watch straight porn if I can help it, but it's glaringly obvious when that's where a guy gets his ideas. And it's pretty damned embarrassing for him, or it would be if he had any sense. It only reveals his lack of experience and imagination--and, often, in my experience, a disturbing misogyny and/or crazy-making stereotyped notions about women's sexuality.
I remember the days, er... nights, of whipped cream and sex toys. Now that I'm older it's great to not have to work so hard...

Plus the whipped cream gets sticky...

It's like when you are young, you try to work at it too hard, you impulsively fill gulp down your food and don't hesitate to enjoy the experience... It's a pity...
Brilliant!

The other drawback of sex in watery places is neither person can ever agree on the optimum temperature.

"Dammit! What is this, ice water?"
"Are you TRYING to scald me?"
"Shut up."
"You shut up."
"I think your Prell just fell on my head."
Hmmmm... I'm pleading the fifth on all counts!
Sex in a car. Sex with a famous person just because he is famous.
Rated.
Good one. I enjoyed sex with (not yet then) wife in the water against the wave-breaker. Sand is a problem tho. Hot tub can be enjoyed but is much more of a hassle than most people think when they try it...
I can't believe not one person added anal sex to the list. Every lover I ever had, from my first boyfriend to my current husband, has been obsessed with trying it "just once". No thanks; that orifice is exit only.
#10--Makes me think of that scene in Lost in Translation: "Lip my stockings!"
BTW, I would say that the #1 most overrated sex in the world is sex with someone you don't love because Satisfaction comes at least as much if not more from giving rather than receiving.
Wow. That read reminded me of the day I met a porcupine in the woods. She wore a porky-pie hat, shaped like a fedora. She had a moonshine 5th!
I was gonna say something, but e.e. cummings wrote:`may i feel?
`
may i feel said he. - e.e. cummings.

may i feel said he (i'll squeal said she just once said he) it's fun said she
(may i touch said he how much said she a lot said he) why not said she
(let's go said he not too far said she what's too far said he where you are said she)
may i stay said he (which way said she like this he if you a kiss said she

may i move said he is it love said she) if your willing said he (but your killing said she
but it's life said he
but your wife said she
now said he) ow said she
OH!!!! You are on front page of Salon.com!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go look.
I must disagree with #2... sex in the shower or in a hot tub is the BEST baby!
(Also I gotta agree with Aaron's comment. Better a little sand than nothing, right?)

(And as far as orgies go, I actually walked into one in 1982. that's a memory that I wish I could erase.)
rated for the coffee snorting. Thanks for a great morning pick me up! And so, so true!
You forgot the mention one last place, boss. Da plane, da plane....

Rated for the whole truth and nothing but.
My goodness, I'm so overwhelmed and flattered by the responses here. I must say Open Salon has done more for confidence as a writer these last few months. Before, I was writing in a vacuum, with a friend or two saying (in a lukewarm tone) "Oh yeah, sure, I like it. I mean...it's good."

In the same breath, your comments are so clever and well-put, that's its pleasantly intimidating (if that's possible!) Your comments are the real read of this entry, I think.

Yes, yes, yes to so many of the comments. Latex and fetishes (over the top ones...where you need them to get off) should definitely be there (you shouldn't have to have sex with a foot...period.)

Anyway, thanks again. I'm really happy to be part of this group.

And thanks to my friend Joe for suggesting topic (I have a small group of friends and we constantly come up with inane lists: http://www.sillylistsofnothingness.com )
"I think laughter is as good as orgasms"

BLASPHEMY! BLASPHEMY, I SAY!
You forgot sex with white women.
1. Exactly.
2. Personal hot tubs are fantastic. Pools really aren't that bad. Showers, hell no.
3. "Women lose sensation from too much rough sex. Most guys don’t realize that.” - what? Most guys gush like bludgeoned jelly donuts when things are slow and wet. It's the ladies who typically want "faster" and "harder."
4. These are actually fantastic and extremely satisfying.
5. As in large groups or just threesomes? Because large groups are kind of creepy, threesomes not so much.
6. Yes, it's disgusting.
7. I felt this way, too, before I started spiking my ex or coke with Viagra back in the college days.
8. Haven't done anything like that since I was a teenager. Don't remember it being too bad, but I think sex anywhere is amazing at 16.
9. Ugly and insecure, anyone? Really stupid comments.
10. Sounds silly.
11. Sex on camera is great fun, so long as you know it will be used exclusively for your own pleasure later. I.e., it's with your spouse.
12. True pain in the ass. Had a waterbed all through high school and was forced to have ultra-creepy sex-on-the-parents'-bed. Ugh.
13. Real tantric sex or cheesy Westernized yuppie stuff? Because I'm pretty sure the real stuff is amazing.
14. Back in the day, all the Vivid girls had in their contracts that they wouldn't take more than 8 inches. Just sayin'.
15. I could see this. Also agree on the point about writers.
16. Age doesn't matter at all.
What's the OS record for most "Thumbs Up" on a post? I've seen lots in the 70s and 80s, but I don't recall any in the triple digits like this!
LOL! simply wonderful!!!!
Viagra came out in what, 1999? Too late for me. But I used to use absolutist three-word statements on things like sex and drugs at that age, too.
I like laughter and orgasms Together!

Great post, Beth!
I think I did most of this, and I agree with you. Tantric boy was too self-involved to know if it was fun for me. Druggie sex, well it seemed good at the time, but I was too stoned to actually remember.

One thing that you neglected to mention, sex with someone so bony they leave you with bruises all over. Not at all fun.

Actually my husband is handsome and not at all useless or self-involved. But I did know the guy you're talking about years ago.

Funny, so damned memorably funny!
Effin' brilliant...! Love it, Beth!
I did not give you a release for the photo of me in the caveman suit. I intend to notify Kerry immediately.
Sorry, tom. This was worth stealing.

1. Sex on the Beach – Agree
2. Sex in Watery Places – shower sex rocks. Soaping up is the best part
3. Porn Style Sex – bores me. I hate talking during sex.
4. One Night Stands – I've had a couple of those that rated a monkey paw.
5. Orgies – too self conscious and don't have very good social skills.
6. Sex Involving Food – Reminds me of the piece of liver in Portnoy's complaint.
7. Drug Addled Sex – Pot is fun, but sometimes the munchies is too overpowering.
8. Sex in Tight Quarters – I once had a really small city apartment.
9. Sex with a Really Hot Person – The hottest girls are the ones who have no idea how hot they are. Especially ones that wear glasses.
10. Sex involving Clothes Ripping – Only ski masks.
11. Sex Involving Video Cameras – took a pix of a girl's shapely bum while she was sleeping. She made me tear it up.
12. Sex on a Waterbed – Like f-ing in quicksand.
13. Tantric Sex – F--k, Sting!!
14. Sex with a Large Member – Had a 6'2" GF once.
15. Sex with a Rock Star – Fantasized about Momma Partridge once.
16. Sex with the Legal but Young – It was Europe. Legal is the third trimester
What about Sex With The Geico Cave Man?

LOL! Great piece.

What's she saying?

Is that a club in your hand or are you happy to see me.
All wonderful advice! I love it!

Although, I can see a certain appeal to pastrami, mustard and sex...
Oh yes! And don't forget Yacht sex! And sex with a too small vagina! Believe me, girls, it exists! And calculated, emotionally committed fifth date sex! Ugh! And sex!
@Big Ed
Did you hear the one about the Frenchman acquitted of necrophilia because the woman was English, so how was he supposed to tell?
Go Jersey girl, Love the sarcasm
Writer Joke:

Writer 1: My wife walked in on my while I was masterbating.

Writer 2: Really? What's the title?
This is a great list, and I could use a good laugh right now, so thanks!

As to #6, sex involving food, you are right that food before and during sex is a bit of a drag. (OK, maybe before - I saw "Tom Jones" at a young age.) However, food AFTER sex tastes really good! I've only seen one media depiction of this - on a TV show which showed a couple happily raiding the refrigerator after a great evening in the sack.

I'm also going to propose a #17. Breaking everything in the room in the throes of "passion." I mean I think everyone has broken a bed or chair or table, but I'm talking about scenes where a whole room, or more, looks like it was trashed by drunken monkeys. Not hot at all.
Very amusing, Beth. Was this a real study of some sort you conducted? And if so, how does one get on the panel?
hahhaha....I agree on all counts! If you're going to do a "Best Sex Survey" lemme know, I'd be happy to conduct some research for you...

he he he he
Perfect. All. Of. IT.

I am so late to this---and if you collected these responses from OSers, I missed that, too. I sort of hope these responses came from my OS siblings---because these are hilarious, spot-on appraisals.

I have a friend, her parents were big Hollywood types in the 60's/70's. Hot tub orgies all the time---which the kids were not part of, but were witness to. She considers it a miracle she EVER wanted to engage in sexual activity after living through that.
I invite others to ADD to this list. And to build a list of truly positive sexual experiences.

1. Sex on the Beach – Sand in a woman's most private place? YUK!!
2. Sex in Watery Places – If the water's cold, his member shrinks. If it's warm, bacteria are a problem. Also interferes with natural lube.
3. Porn Style Sex – Porn is like going to a restaurant. Real sex is like cooking a good meal. When we want to please ourselves or others,
do we slavishly imitate some restaurant we admire? I trust you catch my drift.
4. One Night Stands – The first time with someone usually leaves a good deal to be desired.
5. Orgies – Sex is not a spectator sport.
6. Sex Involving Food – I hate food in bedrooms, for any reason.
7. Drug Addled Sex – Lust is best with a clear head.
8. Sex in Tight Quarters – A queen size bed is a strict minimum.
9. Sex with a Really Hot Person – If they know you see them as hot, that usually ruins it. Egocentrism takes over.
10. Sex involving Clothes Ripping – Wastes money.
11. Sex Involving Video Cameras – The video camera owner wants to humiliate me later, blackmail me later, or sell the result. All of this is no-go as far as I am concerned. If it's recorded, it can go to YouPorn. Once there, I have no control over what happens.
12. Sex on a Waterbed – Requires too much skill.
13. Tantric Sex – Too clever by half.
14. Sex with a Large Member – Pointless, pointless.
15. Sex with a Rock Star – They're egomaniacs, and do too much booze and dope.
16. Sex with the Legal but Young – Lust is wasted on the young. Women over 40 are best. They fear their looks are fading, and have a lot of experience.
Beth, Beth Beth, you forgot the caveats.

TWO circumstances insure that to that no sex act is overrated:

1. Be straight out of a longtime marriage and

2. Be a sixteen year old boy.
I've always found the idea of orgies kind of creepy. Taking what is the most intimate act and putting it on a kind of stage so it is reduced to bland mechanical animal acts. A meaningless athletic event.
Beth, what a unique and truly funny post. And the comments...what a great community OS is. And I don't know what's wrong with me but after reading the list and the comments...I need to go find my husband! Rated.
I would have to say that really hot guys in general suck in both relationships and in bed - which is why I started steering clear long ago.

However, I would have to say that the hottie 20-something boy toys in my 30's (when I went back to finish my college degree) were quite fun - if not taken too seriously. The older woman- younger man thing does have it's good points. That, and certain people around campus would start humming "Mrs Robinson" when I came into the room, which was very amusing.
On 16, denial is a sweet thing.

Beach sex... can anyone say cock chafing, not to mention the girl.

Rated for its insight and hilarity.
Thank gosh! you did not include "69"
Porn Olympics! It's a whole new craze! The twenty five yard carpet push! I could see myself specializing in the decockthalon. The marathon hump (#7 might have to be used in that one). Oh the possibilities. Dildos for medals! hard as rock gold, over fluffed silver, and embarassingly flacid bronze. Yeesh.
I believe you're right about all of these--not that I've tried them all--with the occasional exception of #1.

#7--Sex and pot don't mix, even though they seem like they should. I think smoking anything reduces oxygen intake, which has a negative impact on both hydraulics and endurance.

#16--I'm with you all the way. Maybe I'm different from a lot of men, but I tend to find women attractive who are at least in the neighborhood of my own age.
Thank you for contributing to The Cause: Being all up in water is all up in awkward.
I can so relate to this post as one who has had his fantasy world shattered by the realities that you've described... Almost all of those experiences left us feeling all kinds of awkward.

Advice to the young men out there: The quicker you absorb this list of things to avoid, the better off your life- and sexual relationships- will be. Trust!
Oh my gawd. #7.
Don't forget that it makes you insensitive to what the other person is experiencing because you are in your own drug induced haze...
Ok, I'll say it straight out...
Every time my bf smokes pot he nearly rips my nipples off.
Loved the list and totally agree but you might consider adding Sex with the Surprise Fetish. Everyone likes to mix it up from time to time but the surprise fetish needs to be mentioned before hand. Just a thought.
Hahahahaha... right on! :)
i enjoyed the list... but i also enjoy marathon sex with the on again, off again girlfriend... marathon sex consists of different rounds lasting between 1 to 4 hours per round... we're young and have the endurance (she's 19, i'm 23)- only we don't have the bodies for it... the next day- parts of our bodies we didn't even know existed would be in pain... ah... and if you're going to try my method- make absolutely sure you stretch first- cause nothing screams mood killer like a crippling leg cramp.... rated...
I laughed out loud several times - and I don't do that very often! Thanks - I really needed a laugh, and your post sure did the trick. Rated!
The only thing worse than an orgy is being there and not wanting to be there. Then you sit around or lie around and listen to groans and moans and exclamations of My God My God, and you just want to laugh and know that laughing will get you in trouble with your friends who are of course taking all of it so seriously.
Personally, I think oral sex is overrated - I know, I just haven't had it done right. Guys tell me that all the time, then don't do it right. I do agree with #14. The best lover I ever had was not well-endowed, but he had girth, much more important. As for orgies, I skipped them in college back in the early 1970s. They just didn't seem personal enough, but I have had some great one-night stands and some awful ones. Love the list!
Well, that pretty much leaves sex with a normal person of normal size in a normal position in a normal bed. Hmmmm. I wonder if that's ever been tried.
The United States is currently occupying two countries in Southwest Asia, and killing people in both of them every day, but there is absolutely nothing about war on the cover of Open Salon.

Narang, Kunar: "Death to Obama!"
Good Stuff. Especially the orgy one. I'm straight and did a threesome once with a bisexual couple. I spent the whole evening wondering how to get with the girl while avoiding her husband sexually.
Classic, hilarious post. I'm afraid I agree with the oral sex thing. I like the feeling, but I always feel I'm making a guy work, and that there's pressure being brought on me to . . . perform, so to speak. But I'm going celibate in 2010 anyway, so I'll just return to this list once in awhile to remind myself that people actually did have orgies at one time. Also eeeew.
You forgot sex in the rockin' chair on the front porch...but not with grandma. Cheers!
1. sex on beach -nope, but sex in a hotel at the beach is great.

2. Water sex - sure if you have a specially built shower with two shower heads and a bed

3. Porn Style sex is make believe, sex on stairs, really? why not sex on a stack of lumber or pile of gravel?

4. One night stands - Three words "Walk of shame"

5. Orgies - See porn style sex.

6. Food sex- Sex can be sticky enough without adding honey.

7. Drugs - Nothing like a cigarette afterwards. So what do non smokers do after sex?

8. Sex in tight quarters - Grew up in the 60s and 70s when it was possible to have sex in a car, in today's car forget it unless you are under 5 feet tall or want an air bag shooting up your ass.

9. Sex with a hot person- My wife of 33 years is hot and it's great.

10. Ripping clothing - After I hit 50 I spend most of my day not trying to rip my pants bending over.

11. Video tapping - Who knows I may run for the senate someday so will pass.

12. Water bed sex - It works as long as no one moves

13. Tantric - I think orgasm to sleep ratio should be 30 secs. to 7 hours not the other way around.

14. Large member - Can't relate. always been the pitcher

15. Rock Star Sex - Self absorbed people make poor lovers

16. With the legally young- Only if I want a heart attack.
beth, funny even hilarious and rather true (can't speak for female point of view) although i've experienced a few exceptions to your guidelines loved "you are lucky to have me do what you may i am sleepy i am pretty" thank you happy new year postscript i agree with oesheepdog never thought i had a small one until started viewing internet sheesh
You are SO funny -- I am so glad I found you because of these cover resposts.
These are a riot!

Sex with food? Haven't tried this. Mostly because I'm such a neat freak and the thought of food on my sheets just turns me off.

Now, sex with a large member is something that I enjoy. My partner is a classically well-hung Texan and after 16 years, I still can't believe how I managed to win the lottery in this department. I love his huge cock and can't imagine sex with an average sized male now,
I've never actually had sex on the beach, but I can understand why women would hate it. Considering that "she's got sand in his or her vagina" is a popular metaphor for irritability, it boggles the mind why any man would afflict his partner with the literal condition.
Damn, this just shot every unfulfilled fantasy I ever had right in the keyster. But, interesting, educational and totally pandered nonetheless.
If there were only a way to keep clicking the "rated" button!!!!
This pretty much made me laugh out loud in the middle of a VERY crowded book store.
Beth thanks for your suggestions, gives me some wiggle room for New Years explorations."MAKE LOVE NOT WAR" let go back to those 60's suggestions too. LOVE & PEACE Tim Nolan
I actually did the clothes ripping thing last weekend and it was hot. I ordered the cheapest dress with a lot of buttons I could find online from Target so he could rip to his heart's content. The secret is hating the dress. Oh, and cheap thigh highs are good with it. They run very satisfactorily. Glad to revisit this great post.
Drunk sex is not overrated, at least not in my opinion.
Exactly!!!! Except I would still take my chances with Billie Joe Armstrong, rock star or no.... ;-)
I always thought water was interesting. Showers, baths and swimming pools.
You're probably never going to see this because there are a LOT of really fun comments on your list, but my worst ideas were:
1. Sleeping bags - I actually climbed into a sleeping bag in a leotard (no snaps) to loose my virginity. Dumb.
2. Porn. Considering how ignorant I was (see #1), the first porn I saw was tremendously reassuring; I wasn't doing anything weird or odd during the act. Whew. Then euw. I couldn't look at my boyfriend for a week without strange images getting in the way.
3. Listening to Bolero. As we got to the climax of the music I started laughing so hard my partner fell out and we couldn't get started again until I had calmed down. Luckily we have been at it with each other for many years and he knew I wasn't laughing at him.
4. The problem with being young (19) with a significantly older guy (34) was that I really had no idea what he expected in the realm of love and affection. When I reached 34 myself I looked at 19 year old girls and said to myself, "What on earth were those 34 year old guys thinking?" This is not meant as an insult to the young or the old its just that sex isn't as much fun with someone if you have to explain who Lawrence Olivier is, while they are explaining why Twitter is so much fun.
5. Spent a long night in a huge waterbed trying not to laugh with three women friends. Every time we got quiet, one of us would start to giggle and we would feel the bed sloshing until we were all laughing again. I can't imagine what sex would be like under those conditions. See #3.
Tim Nolan, excellent point. If I could have any theme underneath this post, it would be that. No matter what the sex, it's a good, healthy and wonderful thing. It really is - sometimes even bad sex! Really. Because it reminds me of what you like, how to ask for it, what chemistry is about or even how lonely you feel (not a bad thing - it's important to know how you're really feeling.)

Sirenita, good point. That could be therapeutic. I just remember some guy tore off one of my favorite tops and I wanted to smack him! It was a big turn-off.

Max, so true. I was just telling my friend Clint how delicate the skin is around the vagina. Tread lightly, I told him.

Christopher, your "classically well-hung Texan" sounds like poetry to my ears. It really does. I've read it a few times. I think you should write a post that simply says that. I'll leave 500 comments.

Frogtown, its very frustrating, the oral thing. I think too many men go to town on the clitoris. And that's not the entirety of the process. Or they use the point of their tongue and that's not nearly as satisfying as the flat of the tongue.

Flat of the tongue, not too hard/not too soft and repeatedly, the same way, as if licking a pop-sickle. And no changing it up. Its the repeated element that really hits the spot. And it's not just the clitoris - it's from the bottom up, ending lightly on the clitoris. (Gosh, it may be too early in the morning for this! Ha...)

To all I haven't addressed, I've happily read all of your comments, rest assured. And thank you for revisiting this piece. I liked it too. I like talking about sex. Good thing.
You forgot to mention Sex with someone from a strange and exotic land. There's something magic about a man from South Africa pleading come tup w' me. In that amazing accent, but... in the end.
However, I beg to differ about water. I'll take a skinny dip with company any day, in a river, in a lake, in a hot spring containing a baking soda like substance so everything is sooo warm and slippery.
Rated!!! I agree sex is to be talked about, we'd all be a little more stable if we could speak more frankly and ask for what we need.
I must disagree, however, with the water and video comments-- enjoy both and find them exhilarating. Not the shower or tub-- but outdoors if nature has provide a great locale and there's a chance of getting caught. I am also a whipped cream junkie... And for the ladies who didn't care for 69 I'm lost-- find someone who does it right and I believe you'll change your mindset.
Those might be over rated but they are still very romantic for me.

http://stiffy.com/