You hear them everyday. And perhaps you utter a few yourself. But they're annoying and need to be stopped. This is a campaign. Climb on board or be left to the sharks.
Thanks to the well-paid staff at Silly Lists of Nothingness for their contributions (Ruby, Joe, Anthony, Andy and Laura)
And as a SPECIAL BONUS, we've also included phrases that even though they are technically annoying, you can still get away with them.
Smile.
(Said only to women. What do I look like, you're personal wind-up doll?)
Chill Out.
(Surefire way to make me want to bite someone's face off.)
Sweet!
(Frat boys invented this and it needs to die a fiery death.)
It’s all good.
(It's not. It's clearly not.)
Everything happens for a reason.
(Oh, shew. And here I thought it was unadulterated chaos.)
Don’t go there.
(Don't tell me what to do.)
Let's touch base.
(I still say this. But I cut myself when I do.)
Dude…
(Hanging around a bunch of surfers, I hear it constantly. Not your dude. Heard one surfer call his own mother a dude.)
You can’t (fill in the blank)!
(Said by people with teeny amounts of authority. "You can't sit there." Oh yes, I can. I might not be allowed. But I can. I can do anything I want. Watch!)
Could you not (fill in the blank)?
(Generally said by haughty, passive aggressive women.)
No offense but…
(No doubt an offense will directly follow.)
Classy!
(Just like "rock and roll", if you have to say it is, then it isn't so.)
You rock!
(Refer to above.)
Sorry but (fill in the blank)
(Sorry will NEVER go with BUT! Never! One or the other, man, one or the other.)
I’m not going to lie...
(Oh well, bully for you. Guess its my effin' lucky day.)
Um, can we talk?
(Cringing just typing that one out.)
Wait till your father gets home.
(My mother used this on me and it pretty much prematurely aged me a full decade.)
It is what it is.
(Really? Wow, deep.)
Not so much.
(As in: "I love heroin; my wife, not so much.")
Due diligence.
(Up there with "growing your business" and "leveraging.")
Just kiddding!
(Said in creepy, sing-songy way. Reply in same manner: "No you're not cuz it's not funny!")
NSA
(No strings attached - BULLSHIT!)
So what do you do?
(Always annoying when its the first thing out of someone's mouth upon meeting. I like to answer with "Wet myself.")
"You know what you should do?"
("Oh, PRAY tell! My very survival is dependent on it, I'm sure." Andy and I particularly hate this one.)
Well, that's different.
(As in "Well I guess your gonna think for yourself instead of following my path of mediocrity.")
To be honest....
(Usually followed by a blatant lie or a REALLY inconsequential personal factoid. "To be honest, I'd never wear a pair of red shoes at all no matter what season it is.")
Smooth!
(Said in raspy voice while inhaling really strong weed or drinking tequila.)
What you talkin’ bout, Willis?
(Timeless classic. Go ahead. Use it today.)
You’re not the boss of me.
(Say it to anyone. Especially the boss of you.)
Bitch, please!
(Like a string of pearls, it goes with anything.)
Color me there!
(Invented by gay men in the 1940's.)
Don’t tell me what to do.
(Perfect response to “Have a nice day.”)
Oh no you didn’t!
(With accompanying sassy head movement.)
That's what she said.
(It works for some many occasions, it's almost impossible not to use it.)
Kiss my big, black ass.
(Big, black ass or not, give it a try. It's funnier sans black ass.)
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill.
(From a horror movie...which one? Said in rapid, whispered, succession when you're angry and can't do anything about your situation.)
Word.
(Use by itself or "Word to the mother" or "Word to the mother ship" - all serve as urban versions of the dated "Right on, man." Also can be said in place of "Amen" at religious services.)
Whatever.
(A quick way to dismiss someone almost entirely.)
Shut your piehole!
(Weird but workable...and kinda strangely dirty.)
You're a rebel.
(Said just about anytime to anyone about to do anything. "Hey, I'm going to the carwash." Your response? "You're a rebel. They try to stop you but they cannot.")
Takes one to know one.
(Childish, sure...but it still holds its weight. Also included: "I know you are but what am I?")
My ass and your face.
(In response to “Do you have a match?” I like using the inverse of “My face and your ass” for added weird effect.)
What a square!
(From the 50's. Used with finger demonstration. I'm trying to bring this one back.)
Your mother sucks cocks in hell.
(Another timeless classic, thanks to The Exorcist. And it's so true.)
To the Prince of Darkness!
(Used at formal celebrations when glasses are raised for a toast. Sure to raise an eyebrow or two.)
Your mother does what?
(This needs to be said quickly and almost unintelligibly, after someone has said something you didn’t quite understand.)
Suck it.
(Short and effective.)
There. I said it.
(After declaring your dislike for something insignificant. "I don't like Coldplay. There. I said it.")
Christ Almighty!
(Passed on from the generations, this one.)
For fuck's sake!
Your mother.
(Short and to the point. Anthony wants to bring this one back.)
Screw you!
(Insert full name or "asshole"! We lost "screw" somewhere back in the 70's. Time for resurrection.)
Not today, Sophia Loren, not today.
(Insert "asshole" or name of a famous person of the recipient's cultural heritage. i.e. "Not today Sophia Loren, not today." This was yelled by my friend Kimberly at the Italian team during the World Cup.)
Well, pardon my sarong, Harold!
(This was yelled to me many years ago by a homeless woman in NYC. She stopped walking, turned around to face me and shouted, apropos of nothing, "Well, pardon my sarong, Harold." It may be one of the most random experiences of my life. Use it in an "Well, excuse me!" fashion.)
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Cassandra Berg
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Comments
No offense though, I really think you look a bit down and sad in your picture. You know what you should do? Smile!
Bwahahahahaha extra deep.
I want to think I use it well.
Does the fact that I use "shut your piehol"e often neutralize that at all?
Dude, to be honest, that's my favourite. *running away before Beth tells me to shut my piehole*
I'm going to play in a poker tournament Saturday.
BUT WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
or
DO YOU WANT THE TRUTH?
Well, no, not now....
I shall add my two favorite cringers:
Speaking "to" something. You can speak to another person, but you cannot speak to a topic. I start looking for sharp poker-like implements when I hear this.
"Going forward..." Oh, good gravy! What ever happened to "From now on"?
Rrrrrrrrrrated!
Long live "not so much"... I love that one.
"Shut your piehole," though. It's not weird if you're an eleven year old Tatum O'Neal saying it to Walter Mathau, after he's just told you to "never say that word again" (The Pill.) And then you have to grab his cigar and throw it out the window of his car.
In fact I'm going to go right now and teach that expression to my son, and then go buy some cigars.
Can we off those 2 as well?
To be honest, though, wathchew talkin' bout willis and you rock need to swap spots. just saying. can i say just saying?
"Whatever."
Using that word in the deeply dismissive tone that comes best from a world weary teenager.....is enough to make me want to take a bat to their skull.
I actually feel violent about it.
Clearly I have no such need. Had I such a need, I'd be acting on it. Since you apparently need me to do something, maybe you should ask. Consider saying "Please."
No offense but you can suck it because I was gonna do a whole damn post on "I'm sorry but_________". Although in my version the person must have a southern accent...and it usually precedes..um.. another statement.
WHATEVER!
I can't stand the filler phrases "at the end of the day" or "when all's said and done" or "at this moment in time". ugh.
As in "at the end of the day, when all's said and done everything happens for a reason and at this moment in time, to be honest, 'cause I'm not gonna lie, but sorry, dude, we are all going to have to chill out and smile.
There, I said it for fuck's sakes. Now screw you all assholes.
sorry, i'm caught up in a lexicon of idiocy i fear i'll never free myself from, and i loved this list, so "sweet!" popped out before i realized it.
i AM working on giving up most of these, including some of the ones you can still get away with, but i can't see ever losing dude. two people who know what they're doing can conduct an entire conversation saying only "dude," with it's various inflections and subtleties of emphasis. when used properly it's almost as versatile a word as "fuck."
personally, i can't stand " it wasn't meant to be"
I stood up for myself once, when I'd just woken up from a nap and the guy selling me tacos demanded that I smile. I said something to him about how ordering someone to smile is no way to make them happy, but then I was overly nice for the rest of our interaction, and since I'd used up all my gumption on that smiling thing, I didn't say anything when he put rotten lettuce on my taco.
Oh, and since I'm from the South, "God bless her/his little heart, but..." I've heard you can say anything about anyone if you say that first. Bullhockey.
And, can we please kill "bling"? Please? I'm running out of sarcastic ways to comment on it.
My favorite - a coworker uses "giddyup!" Sales numbers over forecast? Giddyup!
Pawed!
"Smile!" annoys me to no end. Don't ask me to perform. Next thing you know, it'll be "sit" and "stay."
dude, rated.
"They pelted us with rocks and garbage".
The proper response to "Smile" or "Smile, baby," is to smile tragically, quiver your lip, tear up a bit, and say "My mother just died." Gets rid of 'em every time.
(Said by people with teeny amounts of authority. "You can't sit there." Oh yes, I can. I might not be allowed. But I can. I can do anything I want. Watch!)"
My favorite response to this one has always been "And yet...." as in "And yet here I am doing it".
"You’re not the boss of me."
I actually had an underling say that once, I told her she might be feeling a little different when the annual review rolled around.
"Suck it."
That one works better if you tack on a "Be-yach" on the end.
And finally, not to be one of those annoying people but....
"Your mother." works better if you do it more street, "yo mama".
And just to cap being annoying, here's the smiley face : ) to show I am "just kidding..."
"The truth of the matter is" usually something else entirely. It MUST go.
Hysterical and rated, Beth. Seriously, dude.
Pretty girls
don't have to smile at the world.
Don't have to give - and give it all away,
just because somebody else
has been denied.
And pretty girls possess tears and philospohies
that don't account for
bared teeth
and bright lipstick.
So, go your way now, stranger.
I don't owe my smiles to you.
You'll never steal your mundane daydreams
from my body;
never chisel your sad tale
into my heart.
So, okay, the poem is juvenilia. I'm 46 now (almost 47) and wouldn't write it the same way now. I'll say this much, though. It wasn't pretentious. That poem was straight from my heart and gut. I was so traumatized by the ways that men treated me, on the New York City streets. I felt like a slave on the auction block. I was humiliated, terrified and furious. "Smile?" How about a grimace and a kick where the sun don't shine?
At almost 47, I still get sexual harassment on the street. I expcect it won't stop until I'm a wizened, white-haired octogenarian (and then there will be other threats to deal with).
SIGH.
consider "I love him to death, but ..."
Always used just before a hateful comment.
*hiding head in shame because I use "to be honest"*
"Pardon my sarong" especially elicited a chuckle, because it reminded me of a similarly nonsensical catchphrase that my best friend and I adopted for no good reason in high school: "After you, Hafez." (We got it from a news magazine headline about Syria one day when we were fucking around in the school library. I don't know why it struck us as so funny at the time, but we laughed so hard we got the boot. Can we still say "got the boot"?)
Thanks for reminding me that I should totally bring that back.
...and another vote for "At the end of the day..." nails on a chalkboard.
This is a fave post.
Rated.
You might like to add this site to expand your list of web bullshit phrases
(As in an interview with a sports figure, "Well hopefully I'll get to stop warming the bench soon, and hopefully get some playing time in, then hopefully the coach will like how I hopefully play that day, so that hopefully I can play in a few of the games that we will hopefully be playing and hopefully winning a few. But if we don't, then hopefully I'll get another shot at summer training so I can hopefully make a comback, hopefully before I hopefully retire with hopefully a hopefully good, hopefully pension.)
OK..... I kinda overdid it there. Hopefully you aren't pissed at me.
"Dumb as a sackfull of hammers" was used on construction sites a lot; usually referred to the boss.
Here's my ironclad rule for clichés: only I get to use them. Otherwise, they'll just get worn out.
WELL, HELLOOOOO, LIKE DUHHHHH
(yes, i should)
However, you covered most of the others. Any of these annoying phrases could be acceptable with a little inventiveness. For example: "If you're going there, please get a round-trip ticket and come back on the next bus." or "It's all mediocre."
I love Della Reese's version of "Kiss my big, black ass" in the movie Cotton Club: "Kiss my entire black ass!" I've used that one often since I have the backside to "back it up!"
My variation of "been there done that and have the T-shirt to prove it" is this addition: "and sold it last week at a garage sale because that shit is old!"
I heard the best use of WWJD from a friend of my sister's when my sister told her she had to forgive a friend she was upset with for some reason or other. Her response: "Do you see me wearing one of those WWJD bracelets? No, you know why? Because right now I don't give a f*ck what Jesus would do - he's not the one that bitch pissed off!"
Somehow - the few times this has been directed at me the (meaning my) response has been entirely (at least from the perspective of the speaker) disproportionate. I have spent a professional lifetime (as a lawyer in the courtroom) learning how to be ugly to other people verbally - without profanity. This is one remark which shouldn't be made - it is too dismissive, too disrespectful - unless you want to get into it with me full scale, ruin the evening for everyone else - just remember: you started it, and this is one I don't let drop
Think outside the box.
Been there, done that.
My personal hate on is "My bad." It makes me want to strike the person saying it.
to kiss my big black ass.
P.S. For Lent, I gave up being charming.
And 'Fuck a duck' was one of my mom's faves. I'll always like that one.
My Tennessee farmgirl mother was fond of "useless as tits on a boar hog." Nice! Especially when used to describe politicians and health insurance companies.
Oh, wait...
Equal hate to "back in the day" but still use "Your mama."
BTW, you need to check on the singular usage of "woman."
Just sayin'....
Hated it from the first moment I heard it (over 20 years ago). Why would an educated person choose to say something like that?
Thank you for this post!
How could you know if "Smile" is said only to women? Or is it only offensive if said to women? I, a man, have had it directed at me on several occasions, always by a woman. The subtext seems to be, "My life would somehow be improved if I saw you smile and I don't care if you want to or not, do it."
I always dead-pan, "I am smiling."
A few for the list: "Got____?" "Synergy", "Paradigm", "Vision Casting" and any of the other bullshit corporate buzzwords belonging to this group.
A couple of my fav keepers: Any sentence that incorporates "chaps my ass!" i.e. "You're really chapping my ass!", and "Please feel free to attach a lip to my hairy white nut sack!" - best delivered with a straight look in the eye and utmost sincerity.
My most hated include "pro-active"--I threaten homicide every time I hear it--and "added bonus"--you moron, a bonus is something added.
Love this post. . .seriously, dude. . .
1. "It's all good" can be countered with, "Suck it!"
2. "So what do you do?" = "Kill, kill, kill, kill."
3. "Smile." = "My ass and your face."
and on and on....
Here is the link to prove it.
http://open.salon.com/blog/z_bitch/2008/12/19/dont_dude_me_ever_again
I've been battling the blues lately and co-workers from out of state have mentioned that I don't sound as "chipper" as I normally do and keep asking what's wrong. I have two questions for these people. One, when have I ever sounded chipper? And two, why would you ask a near-stranger what is wrong over the phone? Next time someone asks I'm going to tell them I had an abortion last week and am having second thoughts. (Not true but it should shut them up.)
My #1 annoying phrase is "I needed it yesterday." Why don't you just come right out and admit you're a shitty planner and you're here to ruin my day?
Honorable mention should go to, Would you like to add a (blankety blank) for a buck more!
Where's the list of "25 most annoying lists?"
Another Pet Peeve: Using the word "grow" in ways it was never intended, designed to make the speaker seem modern, hip, and organic, as in, "Kristen and I are going to grow our family." You grow tomatoes, you idiot, not your family! Are your children some kind of vegetable? "We're going to grow our business." How are you going to expand your business if you're too stupid to know how stupid you sound?
Oh, and can we add, "I could care less" to the list? and how about "think outside the box."
* In THIS economy.
Does that make me a bad person?!
It worries me that you encounter, "I'm not going to lie," "To be honest," "No offense," and "Sorry, but..." often enough that they all ended up on your list. As you are well aware, these are phrases that people use to preface something which they know full well is going to offend you. So... are you surrounded by rude people, unusually touchy, or is there something really obvious that the people around you feel you really ought to be told?
"Not to mention" is the stupidest phrase in the english language. "My favorite actresses are Frances McDormand, Rachel McAdams, and Mia Farrow. Not to mention Meryl Streep." We're not supposed to mention Meryl Streep? Why not? She's awesome. Or is it so obvious it makes mentioning unnecessary? If so then why are we not only mentioning it, but drawing attention to the mentioning by saying that it's not necessary to mention it?
My least favorite phrase though would have to be "It was God's will." It's seems to be the state sanctioned response to a child coming to a bad end. "Your boy falling into the half-frozen lake only to die a painful and terrifying death, pounding at the immovable translucent ice, yeah, that was God's will. God was all about that. He was watching and approving. Laughing even. You know why? Your son was going to grow up to be Hitler. Hate to break it to you. Oh, I'm kidding, God was just having a bad morning and a small tortuous death really brightens his mood." I don't claim to know God's will, but I'm pretty sure child murder isn't high on his agenda.
What can I say, Beth? You . . . inspire me!
My favorite answer to "do you have a match?"
My shit and your mother's meatloaf.
Have to disagree on "due diligence" though. It's a term of art, I believe, and you are required to perform it when considering contracting in some contexts. Of course it has spread to mean ridiculous things.
I don't see a problem with "going forward". "From now on" doesn't have any obvious superiority.
For piehole, my sister uses this with her kid. Like this. Adrian! Your piehole! Shut it! Which I like very much.
Its not a daily basis - its daily; its not a personal basis, its personal; etc. This phrase is overused on an hourly basis.
"In my opinion".
Glad we have this one to distinguish your opinions from those of, say, the New York Times.
I love "Shut you piehole .." ... specially piehole .. it has pie which I love .. it has hole which sound dirty . I need to use it more, specially around the office to pretty much everyone including my biggerthanlifemoron boss of mine.
For some of the phrases, what I found is that also depends on who is telling the phrase for example ...
"Can we talk?" If its your doctor you are pretty much screwed or your boss telling you "You know, everything happen for a reason ... " you are so fired, or "Dude!" by your dad .. time to call a doctor .. you've lost him in the woods already.
Keep rocking with your posts! (said with rocking sign included)
Fuckin', eh! Man.-sometimes a question. Usually an agreement to whatever.
I'm a uniter
I also do not like when people call me 'sweet,' as in, "Aren't you sweet?" I know they so don't mean that.
Kerry!
Thanks for your smartyness.
Beth
"Yer killin' me." My 19-year-old says this to me when I ask her to do ANYTHING. It makes me want to prove just how literally I can take that stupid expression.
And my all-time favorite: "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Well you bet your sweet fucking bippy you're sorry I feel this way. You royally pissed me off and I called you on it. I'd be sorry I felt this way too if I were you. But I do.
But if someone says "things happen for a reason" I have no choice but to channel Monty Python and say "i fart in your general direction." and then try! (I'm getting good at it -- 7-year-olds are good teachers at the fart-on-demand thing)
never say it to strangers in Europe
the rest of your list is mostly childish
To wit:
Bonne journee! (All purpose, "Have a nice day!"
Bon fin du matin ("Have a nice late morning!")
Bon apres-midi! (Have a nice afternoon!"
Bon fin d'apre-midi! ("Have a nice late afternoon!")
Bonne soirree! (Have a nice evening!)
Etc., etc., etc., and it's all only said by salespeople or other service industry personnel. At least, I never heard normal people say it to one another.
In other words, Europeans are just as glib and meaningless as the rest of us.
Great ones.
It's a humor piece.
Another gem: When kids are talking about a game they've played, and they refer to it as "versing" or "versed" (as in past tense) another person or team. Drives me insane! It's not a verb!
My favorites: "Shut your piehole", sounds very British to me. Reminds me of Monty Python for some reason. "Shut it" is my new person favorite. Can't tell kids in school to shut up, so I tell them to shut it instead.
Add to you "Still can get away with", from Putney Swope, concurring when someone has a good idea;
"I can dig it Swope, my mousetrap is yours" ...
Peace
JTD
The Garlic
as, of course, a justification for intense homophobia.
Dude. You know what [i]you[/i] should do?
I'm not going to lie, chill out. It's all good.
On a more serious note, it's the obfuscating business speak that gets to me.
Let's leverage some assets to actualize some profit!
Hrm.....I think someone forgot to close a tag.
Thank you. I feel better.
Bitch, please! What you talkin’ bout, Willis?Makes me want to slap someone. Every time. Fortunately I mostly only hear it on TV.
Most of the second set makes me need to reconsider the first set. I mean, Oh no you didn’t! With or without accompanying sassy head movement. Dude. Lame. Lucy Liu did it well on Sex in the City what? 20 years ago? Since then, not so much.
On the other hand, Well, pardon my sarong, Harold! There's a touch of genius in that.
Whatever.
Just Hope that last one doesn't get me fired
Here are two that I HATE:
1. I can not stand it when people use the word "irregardless". IT IS NOT A WORD, please, please, please stop using it.
2. I knew a person who would end every phrase or sentence with the questions "Do you know what I mean". One day I broke down and just said "No, I'm a fucking idiot and I can't understand a word you are saying".
"Think outside of the box"
"Politically correct"
"Females"
I answer: "I *live* there."
O come all ye faithful - that's what she said
Great list
(Oh well, bully for you. Guess its my effin' lucky day.)
You sound like a person who's been to New York :)
Some of your explanations just seem like DeNiro quotes that were too awesome for the movies. Rated for truthiness.
But the "Whatever" for some reason is driving me crazy lately. I'm getting it a lot in my hear hole lately (daily!) from the minors in my house.
And of course I hate it when someone is describing a situation and says "literally". I always have to add "as apposed to figuratively?"
Other phrases not to use:
"You know what happens when you assume, right?"
That one should be punishable by caning.
"How would you like to be Mrs. (his name here) ?"
That is horrible!
Two things, if you're a female and you want a guy friend to stop calling you "dude," start referring to him as "dudette." It will stop oh so very soon after.
Also, my nephew tells me, "You're not the boss of me" all of the time. Except... I am, because no one else is around. So I tell him he can get some candy at the store. "Really?" Yeah. Go on. You can get it yourself. "Come with me?" AHAHAHAH, you're not the boss of me. PWND!
Anyway, you're not the boss of me. There, I said it.
For fuck's sake, will you add to the list "Nice (pronounced "Niiiiicccce", nodding) and "Each to his own?"
Your efforts are applauded from afar.
Word.
"Nothing."
(The classic reply to the question "What's wrong?" and you know damn well something's up)
"Level the playing fields" - I hate this one so much. There. I said it.
"At this moment in time" - because of course the word "now" is just way too long.
"The Youth" - as in: "The Youth of today"
"wot do u do 4 fun" - When asked this question online, I give answers such as this: "In my spare time I hunt down people who can't spell and I kill them".
Suggested response to "what do you do?" - "As little as humanly possible".
And I HATE being told to smile.
P.S.
To be honest (I'm not going to lie) and no offense but, I still use Dude. I think that word is righteous. There. I said it. Rock on.
There are responses to the command, "Smile", in escalating hostility:
Maybe later.
I'll schedule it.
When you leave.
When I hear you're dead.
My daughter says, "Kiss my shiny metal ass".
Was es ist, by Erich Fried. Any other fantastic love poems you want to pound on? Get some culture, you dumb #$@%*....