Shut up. Just shut up.
You hear them everyday. And perhaps you utter a few yourself. But they're annoying and need to be stopped. This is a campaign. Climb onboard or be left to the sharks.
Thanks to the well-paid staff at Silly Lists of Nothingness for their contributions (Ruby, Joe, Anthony, Andy and Laura)
And as a SPECIAL BONUS, we've also included phrases that even though they are technically annoying, you can still get away with them.
(Said only to women. What do I look like, your personal wind-up doll?)
(Surefire way to make me want to bite someone's face off.)
(Frat boys invented this and it needs to die a fiery death.)
It’s all good.
(It's not. It's clearly not.)
Everything happens for a reason.
(Oh, shew. And here I thought it was unadulterated chaos.)
Don’t go there.
(Don't tell me what to do.)
Let's touch base.
(I still say this. But I cut myself when I do.)
(Hanging around a bunch of surfers, I hear it constantly. Not your dude. Heard one surfer call his own mother a dude.)
You can’t (fill in the blank)!
(Said by people with teeny amounts of authority. "You can't sit there." Oh yes, I can. I might not be allowed. But I can. I can do anything I want. Watch!)
Could you not (fill in the blank)?
(Generally said by haughty, passive aggressive women.)
No offense but…
(No doubt an offense will directly follow.)
(Just like "rock and roll", if you have to say it is, then it isn't so.)
(Refer to above.)
Sorry but (fill in the blank)
(Sorry will NEVER go with BUT! Never! One or the other, man, one or the other.)
I’m not going to lie...
(Oh well, bully for you. Guess its my effin' lucky day.)
Um, can we talk?
(Cringing just typing that one out.)
Wait till your father gets home.
(My mother used this on me and it pretty much prematurely aged me a full decade.)
It is what it is.
(Really? Wow, deep.)
(Said in creepy, sing-songy way. Reply in same manner: "No you're not cuz it's not funny!")
So what do you do?
(Always annoying when its the first thing out of someone's mouth upon meeting. I like to answer with "Wet myself. Like now.")
"You know what you should do?"
("Oh, PRAY tell! My very survival is dependent on it, I'm sure." Andy and I particularly hate this one.)
Well, that's different.
(As in "Well I guess your gonna think for yourself instead of following my path of mediocrity.")
To be honest....
(Usually followed by a blatant lie or a REALLY inconsequential personal factoid. "To be honest, I'd never wear a pair of red shoes at all, no matter what season it is.")
(Said in raspy voice while inhaling really strong weed or drinking tequila.)
What you talkin’ bout, Willis?
(Timeless classic. Go ahead. Use it today.)
You’re not the boss of me.
(Say it to anyone. Especially the boss of you.)
(Like a string of pearls, it goes with anything.)
Color me there!
(Invented by gay men in the 1940's.)
Don’t tell me what to do.
(Perfect response to “Have a nice day.”)
Oh no you didn’t!
(With accompanying sassy head movement.)
That's what she said.
(It works for some many occasions, it's almost impossible not to use it.)
Kiss my big, black ass.
(Big, black ass or not, give it a try. It's funnier sans black ass.)
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill.
(From a horror movie...which one? Said in rapid, whispered, succession when you're angry and can't do anything about your situation. Scares everyone into submission.)
(Use by itself or "Word to the mother" or "Word to the mother ship" - all serve as urban versions of the dated "Right on, man." Also can be said in place of "Amen" at religious services.)
(A quick way to dismiss someone almost entirely.)
Shut your piehole!
(Weird but workable...and kinda strangely dirty.)
You're a rebel.
(Said just about anytime to anyone about to do anything. "Hey, I'm going to the carwash." Your response? "You're a rebel. They try to stop you but they cannot.")
Takes one to know one.
(Childish, sure...but it still holds its weight. Also included: "I know you are but what am I?")
My ass and your face.
(In response to “Do you have a match?” I like using the inverse of “My face and your ass” for added weird effect.)
What a square!
(From the 50's. Used with finger demonstration. I'm trying to bring this one back.)
Your mother sucks cocks in hell.
(Another timeless classic, thanks to The Exorcist. And it's so true.)
To the Prince of Darkness!
(Used at formal celebrations when glasses are raised for a toast. Sure to raise an eyebrow or two.)
Your mother does what?
(This needs to be said quickly and almost unintelligibly, after someone has said something you didn’t quite understand.)
(Short and effective.)
There. I said it.
(After declaring your dislike for something insignificant. "I don't like Coldplay. There. I said it.")
(Short and to the point. Anthony wants to bring this one back.)
(Insert full name or "asshole"! We lost "screw" somewhere back in the 70's. Time for resurrection.)
Not today, Sophia Loren, not today.
(Insert "asshole" or name of a famous person of the recipient's cultural heritage. i.e. "Not today Sophia Loren, not today." This was yelled by my friend Kimberly at the Italian team during the World Cup.)
Well, pardon my sarong, Harold!
(This was yelled to me many years ago by a homeless woman in NYC. She stopped walking, turned around to face me and shouted, apropos of nothing, "Well, pardon my sarong, Harold." It may be one of the most random experiences of my life. Use it in an "Well, excuse me!" fashion.)