Shut up. Just shut up.
You hear them everyday. And perhaps you utter a few yourself. But they're annoying and need to be stopped.
This is a campaign. Climb onboard or be left to the sharks.
Smile. [Said only to women. Not your wind-up doll dude.]
[So condescending and dismissive it almost justifies a bite to the face.]
[Frat boys invented this and it needs to die a fiery death.]
It’s all good, man.
[No, silly, it’s not. It's clearly not.]
Everything happens for a reason.
[And here I thought it was unadulterated chaos.]
Don’t go there.
[Just did. So there.]
Let's touch base.
[I often say this but cut myself when I do.]
Could you not (fill in the blank)?
[Generally said by haughty, passive aggressive women.]
No offense but…
[No doubt an offense will directly follow.]
[People who aren’t tend to say it the most.]
[Refer to above.]
Sorry but _____.
[Sorry should never go with a “but.” Defeats the whole purpose.]
I’m not going to lie to you...
Um, can we talk?
[Goodbye good times. Hello lecture.]
Wait till your father gets home.
[Yes even this phrase from childhood can still fill me with frozen anticipation.]
It is what it is.
[Wow that’s profoundly…nothing.]
[This “easy out” phrase that allows one to say whatever they want then blame you for your lack of humor.]
So what do you do for a living?
[It seems innocuous enough but you are now forced to come up with a short answer that will be instantly judged or followed up by a series of boring questions.]
You know what you should do?
["Oh, pray tell, authority figure.]
To be honest....
[Usually followed by a lie or something that will make you feel like shit.]
[Said in raspy voice while inhaling really strong weed or drinking tequila.]
You’re not the boss of me.
[Say it to anyone. Especially the boss of you.]
[Like a string of pearls, it goes with anything.]
Color me there!
[Coined by gay men in the 1940's.]
Don’t tell me what to do.
[Perfect response to “Have a nice day.”]
Oh no you didn’t!
[Said with sass, of course.]
That's what she/he said.
[Use liberally. Mechanic: You’ll need your front end replaced. You: That’s what he said. See? Easy.]
[A quick and cold way to dismiss someone almost entirely.]
Shut your piehole!
[Weird but kinda works. And kinda strangely dirty.]
You're a rebel.
[Said just about anytime to anyone about to do anything. "Hey, I'm going to the carwash." "You're a rebel.” You can also add, “They try to stop you but they cannot."]
To the Prince of Darkness!
[Used at formal celebrations when glasses are raised for a toast.]
Your mother does what?
[Needs to be said quickly and almost unintelligibly, after someone has said something you didn’t quite understand.]
[Short and effective.]
There. I said it.
[After declaring your dislike for something insignificant. "I don't like Coldplay. There. I said it."]
[Short and to the point.]